Let's Talk About This Rapture Thing

Gustav Doré, The Last Judgement

So, we’re supposed to have a Rapture this Tuesday or that’s what the Jesus screamers are oh so boldly claiming. One of these god grifters pops up with a predicted all-us-REALLY-special-folk-are-goin'-to-heaven-and-leaving-you-dirtbags-behind date about once a year.

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 
~ 1 Thessalonians 4:15–17

So, the dead are the first to go flying? Isn’t that gonna be kind of gross and messy? I mean, for those who’ve been buried, that’s a lot of bones, dried skin, hair, time-shredded clothing, and miscellaneous coffin crap zooming upward. 

What if you’ve had an ugly death? Car crash? Violent murder? Fell off a mountain? Perished from something horrid like necrotizing fasciitis (flesh-eating disease), neurosyphilis, or leprosy? Wouldn't that be kind of a nasty way to live out forever, even though you'll be in the mega awesome digs of Heaven? I mean, nose falling off, constantly leaking blood and pus? Ewwwww!

What about all the folks who were cremated? If their ashes were scattered or buried, what happens? Take The Amazing Bob fer instance – some of his ashes were scattered and some were buried within the roots of a cheery tree in our yard. He’s part of the tree now and, presumably, the fruit of the tree. Those cherries have been eaten by birdies, squirrels, bunnies and what have you. So, if TAB were to be raptured (and, if this fairy tale comes to pass, why the fuck wouldn’t he be?!) would the cherry tree and a bunch off random wildlife go too? I mean, seems logical, right?

How about folks who’ve been buried at sea? Dead humans in the ocean are just fuel for the ecosystem. Crabs, lobsters, and shrimp usually show up to the banquet early. Hagfish and tiger sharks will join in. Will the Rapturing sky look like an after Sunday church Red Lobster lunch-fest?

I’m not expecting to look like Gina Lollobrigida in the after life but, c’mon, I don’t want to be a talking pile of ash or a shrimp munched pile of animated body parts either.

With all the Rapture scares I’ve lived through, you’d think I’d have won some kind of a prize by now. I mean, fer reals and shit. A set of cookware maybe? Frankly, I don’t even know what that might be. Pots and pans? I don’t cook so that’d be useless. A set of encyclopedias? Naw, I’ve got internet access and the Britannica site isn’t paywalled. Round trip tickets and endless spa days and nights at the Silica Hotel in Iceland? NOW we’re talkin’ baby!

Gotta say, you’d think these christians would know what what their very own sacred book states about this Rapturing business.

Fer instance, in their New Testament book, Matthew 24:36: 

But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only.

But, HEY, why let theological consistency get in the way of a slick scam, eh?

Take a tour through the sewer
Don’t strain your brain
Paint a train
You’ll be singin’ in the rain
I said “Don’t stop, do punk rock”
Rapture – Blondie