Soap

Note to self: PAY BETTER ATTENTION in the book store. I was in the used book basement at Brookline Booksmith the other day, cruising for something light and fun. I found True Confessions by Rachel Gibson. Never heard of her but the synopsis hooked me. The protagonist is a tabloid journo:

Hope Spencer knows wacky: as a writer for The Weekly News of the Universe she's "spotted" Bigfoot, Elvis, and the face of Jesus on a tortilla. Arriving in Gospel hoping for some peace and quiet and normal . . . she quickly figures out that there's nothing normal going on in Gospel. From the Barnes sisters with their color-coordinated hair, to the toilet-tossing sportsmen . . . to the murder victim whose body had been found in her house years before, the Gospel truth really is stranger than fiction—even tabloid fiction. Hell, she should have stayed in L.A.

What double plus hooked me was the cover plug by Jane Anne Phillips, an author I’ve really enjoyed.  Yeah, Phillips is more of a dark, brooding, thoughtful writer but hey, she could like and recommend wacky stuff too. right?

Ah, not this time, no. The praising blurb was from Jayne Ann Krentz -- a romance novelist.

Sigh.

I’m just not the romance novel type. Nothing wrong with them. I understand the appeal but they seriously don’t do it for me.

I think the mega watt enmity I carry for them is similar-ish to my knee jerk antipathy toward TV shows like Dallas and Beverly Hills, 90210.

What’s the similarity between romance novels and lame ass TV shows?  I can’t relate to either at all.

The shows -- I’ve never been rich and powerful, will never be rich and powerful nor will I ever be so spectacularly fashion impaired.

I've never had issues like this:

Beverly Hills, 90210 The Final Proof, Episode 16, 2/9/00
Shane demands a one-million-dollar ransom from Dylan. Noah, the kidnapee, points out that it may have been smarter to kidnap someone whom Dylan actually likes.

OK, a bad example -- that ep sounds pretty funny.

Dallas, season 4, episode 10: Executive Wife
Pam feels neglected by Bobby's increased preoccupation with Ewing Oil; J.R. pressures Jock to complete a deal that conflicts with Bobby's interests.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And more ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Yeah I know, it’s make believe. It’s a soap opera but still -- terribly hard to relate to the trials and tribulations of the dramatically wealthy and sartorially challenged. Possibly I could have watched either show had there been 25 fewer popped collars, a tenth as many giant shouldered power suits, 5 pounds less blusher per cheek, per person and zero levels of big hair.

Nah.

As for the romance novels -- the female protagonist is always model thin, beautiful and busty. She’s a bit ashamed of her ‘assets,’ we’re told, as she dons her sports bra and shorts for a run over to the local bar.

She’s always bold, independently minded and has just suffered some heavy emotional (never physical) set back -- her husband left her for the younger woman, the fiance jilted her for the younger woman, the boyfriend kicked her to the curb, (on her birthday yet), for a younger woman. If there are multiple set backs, the main one, the fire starter is always the ignominious dumparooni.

The fairy-tale man prize is always blazingly good looking with some minuscule flaw (a crooked tooth, a persistent but charming cowlick, one eye dark chocolate brown -- the other bright sky blue) to, ya know, humanize him. He seems, only to our heroine, to be uninterested. Then he is but now she’s feeling nervous, scared and petulant over some perceived slight.

Three quarters of the way through the book they face some trauma together, realize they’re made for each other, drop into the nearest bed/field of clover/Jaguar and play St. George and the Dragon.

I think, generally, fluorescent sunsets, cranes taking flight, fireworks and trains entering tunnels ensue.

Spare me and pass the John Scalzi, please. I like my fiction with a dash of realism.