Strange Doings

Strange doings on Facebook recently and I can’t quite figure out what to make of it. Found in my inbox was this:

John Dolt
Hi, Compliments my dear and how's life? saw your pretty profile and wish we could be friends and probably know each other well. John

See, I should’ve known RIGHT here that the dude was looking for a girlfriend as opposed to a plain old, doesn’t-matter-what-gender-you-rock friend. The ‘pretty profile’ business is a dead give away.
Why didn’t I ignore and delete? Eh, I guess I’m always looking for new stories and readers. So, I replied with this:

Hi John,
Tell me more about you. I'm, pretty much, an open book -- see my blog Donna-TellMeAStory
cheers, Donna

See? I was distant yet welcoming at the same time. Cool?

Not cool enough.

John Dolt
Hi Donna,
Thanks for your response. I am John Dolt from Huddersfield West Yorkshire United Kingdom. I was in search of an old colleague of mine before i came across your profile picture. Am 5.8m tall, a marine engineer by profession and i work as the engine unit control supervisor in my ship. I am very happy to meet you and would also like to know more about you like your hobbies, likes and your kind of person. I will waiting for your response.

The next hint as to what this fellow is after and it not being in line with my path -- ‘am 5.8m tall.’ 'the fuck I care how tall my friends are?

Still, I’m after a story so, silly me, I ignore that clue and push on.

What does a marine engineer do? And are you always on ship -- that is, do you live on the ship versus on land?
I'm a painter and sometime ceramic artist, print industry worker bee, blissfully married, deaf broad. I live just outside Boston, Massachusetts. I'm also a storyteller.
And a reader -- currently finishing up Robin Sloan's 'Mr. Penumbra's 24 Hour Bookstore.' What do you enjoy reading?

 Yes, again with the blog pushing. I’m insufferable but devastatingly cute. Right?!

John Dolt
I work as the Duty Engineer on board in my ship and i always stay stand by in the ECR control unit to monitors all kinds of parameters such as level, temperature, pressure of my ship so as to ensure a normal engine system.
Normally i work 8 hours shift everyday because we have still got 4 other duty engineers on board too so its always on a shift bases. Actually i have been single single since almost 2 years now, my job always keep me so busy and besides i was married before but i lost my wife Evelyn after giving birth to my only daughter Laura, she is 4 years and stays with my old mum in London.
I like taking walks, sitting at the beach, vacations and watching movies and more especially visiting my mum whenever am in London. I have actually worked with my company for 3 years now and i always go on 2 months offshore and 2 months onshore so once i finish my trip to Australia, i will be having a long holiday of 3 months since i didn't go off last holiday.
So how are you doing?and nice to hear from you too.

‘taking walks, sitting at the beach, vacations and watching movies’ yup, we’re in prime dating site cliche-dom now and NO mention of what books he reads and I have only a vague idea as to what a duty engineer is.

Also too, anyone else catch that math error? He says that his daughter is four years old, his wife died in childbirth but he’s been single for just two years. ??????????????????????????

Again, I responded. I really HATE being the one to say ‘piss off’ so I mentioned The Amazing Bob and his recent heart issues. My thought was that folks who’re looking for the big hearts and thongs infused L, will be put off by:
a) discussion of MY HUSBAND
b) nasty and def unromantic health issues.

What did you do before working on the ship.
So sorry to hear of your wife's passing.
I'm doing reasonably well though struggling with my husband's heart issues at present. He'll begin cardiac rehab soon and, hopefully, this will obviate more open heart surgery. (he's already had quad bypass).

I was wrong once again.

John Dolt
Hi Donna,
Thanks for your message and i really admire your kind of woman and i will want to be close to you. Am in my cabin getting ready to resume duties in the control room in my ship. Presently my ship is sailing to Australia for a delivery at the Barracouta Gas Field in Bass Strait Central Pacific in Australia, we are carrying 900,000 hydrocarbon pipeline systems and fittings to the Australian oil rig in the Central Pacific.
I got your message with happiness and relief because i truly believe that with trust,love and understanding we can make ourselves happier in this beautiful world of ours.You are very beautiful and charming in your pics, i must confess that you are caring and i really want to be close to your heart. I know I have made the right choice in proclaiming my feelings for you.
I have no fears and no regrets and I live for the day we'll be together for the first time. I don't see distance as a huddle to our happiness my dear because i wanna meet you in real live.
I attach here with some of Laura and my mum's pictures. Write me soon. Take care

The hell? This got out of whack really fast.

Hi Michael,
I believe you've gotten an erroneous idea here. I'm an older, deaf, VERY happily married person with a full life.
I hope you find the companion you're looking for but, that ain't me.
Sorry, Donna

That's straightforward and unequivocal, right?

John Dolt
Hello Donna,
Thanks for your message and how are you doing today? I do appreciate your kindness. i hope you are fine today. I will be resuming my duties in the next 1 hour, today my ship has approached the Indian Pacific Region and in 2 days will have a stop over in India Port of Bengal for some maintenance work in our engine sections and lub service before we will sail off again.

I hope you have a day full of radiance: that the morning might be clear, that the afternoon keeps on with its brightness and that the night might give us the best hours of our lives. Starting a day is a difficult moment, but do not despair because you are strong and capable. Stay calm, because everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to turn out just fine.

Here's my satellite mobile number in case you wish to call me +44xxxxxxxxxx, +44yyyyyyyyyyy or we can talk on Skype if you have.
Take care

OK, maybe he got it -- there’s less of the ‘we’re going to walk off into the sunset together’ yak-yak here but still, it’s clear that he’s NOT read my notes. I’m deaf you wanker! That means me and the blower aren’t on speaking terms anymore. Capiche?

It was only after this last bit that I realized that this was either some elaborate Nigerian email on quaaludes sort of a scam OR the dude's taking the wide shot, the Matrix method of hunting for a mate.

If the latter, he wasn't doing more than skimming his received responses -- just plugging in Romantic Courting Missive Response with minor edits/additions.

Still, that tactic has got to be successful eventually.