On the ReRead

Ya know, in rereading Christopher Moore at this august age of 59, I fully realized something which had only prickled my bean at 35. His female characters – they're his fantasy women. All stunningly beautiful, young, playful, irreverent, smart, take charge (but not too much) AND they all want his protagonist for some fierce no-strings-attached sexytime. Of course.

While they're written as intelligent and, often, creative, they feel way more like marble goddesses than humans. It's as though Moore’s never spent any solid time with a three dimensional female-type homo sapien. Seems we’re alien beings and he’s Roy Neary, perpetually standing in wonder and awe. 

The only NOT gorgeous, NOT goddess-y women in Lamb are mothers (“Virgin” Mary excepted – she's a hot babe). Then there's this one toothless old peasant who seduces Biff. Joshua (Jesus) isn’t permitted to experience the joys of the flesh and wants to get his rocks off vicariously through his friend's adventures. He walks in on them doin' the deed, is horrified and exclaims (IN FRONT OF THE WOMAN) that Biff has now ruined sex for him. Biff responds to Josh's disgust by rattling on about how it’s been x number of years since he got laid and yadda, yadda, yadda.

So, this throw-away embarrassment of a woman was good enough to stick yur dick in and fine enough to suck yur winkle BUT is otherwise, a total horrorshow who's unworthy of dignity or kindness. Yup. Got’cha.

Look, we’ve ALL, in a moment of need, bonked someone who’s, perhaps, comically less than our personal ideal but, HELLO…this scene, where they freak about the stone unworthiness of the crone (and she’s standing RIGHT THERE!), is sadly telling. I guess, for Moore, us vagina-toters can only be:

• sirens
• nymphets
• femme fatales
• enchantresses

OR

• farcical, homely dogs

There doesn’t seem to be much room in between. He writes female characters the way a semi-enlightened frat boy might.

On Moore’s website FAQ page, he answers why he doesn’t have any female authors on his who-to-read list:

First, I don’t have any set prejudice against women writers, and I do read many of the recommendations made to me by readers, but I have to tell you kids, the girls are just not ringing my bell, and therefore I haven’t been putting them in Chris’s Picks.  And it’s not talent  – don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of talent — it’s subject matter. In case you hadn’t noticed, different things are important to women than are to men.

If that was really a you-can-take-this-to-the-bank something, a truism, how is it that Sherman Alexie, John Scalzi, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Vonnegut (fer fuck’s sake) AND Margaret Atwood, Angela Carter, Ursula Le Guin, Donna Leon all hit me where I live?

Atwood’s dystopian worlds and Alexie’s resonant emotional descriptions nail me, slay me sideways and yet, I’m a chick and one of those two ain’t. You dig?

In his explanation of why he doesn't recommend women authors, he sites Fried Green Tomatoes, Steel Magnolias (written by a dude NOT a chick, by the by) and Ya Ya Sisterhood as examples. Huh.  

Gosh Dude, mebbe you should try Angela Carter’s Nights at the Circus or Wolf’s Orlando or something by Charlie Jane Anders instead. Possibly you could check out Jasper Fforde or John Scalzi for tips on how to write fully formed, 3-D, believable female characters too. And HEY, they can be stone hotties AT THE SAME DAMN TIME! RILLY!

Having kvetched all this – I still enjoy Moore's writing. A Dirty Job was AWESOME. The women there were, mostly, fully formed creatures too! Huh, interesting – wonder how that happened.

This new one he's got out, Noir – I'll wait for it to hit the library. I don't need to buy.