I totally understand that it was his time to go and he was ready even. I can wrap my brain around the fact that it’s a mercy he didn’t have to live through the Von ShitzenPantz reality show “presidency,” COVID and Von ShitzenPantz: the Enfecaling years.
Selfishly, I still miss TAB—his humor, knowledge, wit, the way he smiled and his deep gravelly FM radio, midnight jazz DJ voice.
How is it that I’ve happily had Ten in my life for the better part of six years yet I continue to miss TAB? Because grief isn’t some formulaic linear path, that’s why. Also, humans have the ability to do this one really weird trick where we experience different, sometimes wildly divergent emotions and they all exist at the very same time on the very same plane. It can be confusing as hell but so is pineapple on pizza, dark chocolate covered pretzels and Baked Alaska. Amiright or amiright? (you know I am!)
For as much as I hate the cemetery, I’ve been grateful it’s here, too. I miss my wife. It’s easier to miss her at a cemetery, where she’s never been anything but dead, than to miss her in all the places where she was alive.
~ John Scalzi, Old Man's War
TAB’s ashes are mixed
within the roots of one of our cherry trees. He’s in the front yard with
a sweet view of the water. With my banjaxed balance, I haven’t been
able to go out and visit him as much as I’d like. Maybe Jen and Ten can
wheel me out there later this morning.
~~~
Fairy tales are more
than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they
tell us that dragons can be beaten.
~ Neil Gaiman, Coraline
Trump, Trumpism, the totally UNSupreme Court and the fascist Republican Party CAN be beaten.
~~~
These
are some songs that have been buzzing my bean recently. Remember, if
you will, I lost all my hearing 20 years ago so none of the
tune-age is current.
- The Shape of Things, Jeff Beck Group
- Tropical Hotdog Night, Captain Beefheart
- Exposure, Robert Fripp, Peter Gabriel, Terre Roche
- Feed the Tree, Belly
- Still…You Turn Me On, Emerson, Lake and Palmer
- Even Flow, Pearl Jam
- That's When I Reach for My Revolver, Mission of Burma
- Mission Impossible Theme Song, Concussion Ensemble
- Baba O'Riley, The Who
- Straight Up, Paula Abdul
- Immigrant Song, Led Zeppelin
- Mr. Music Head, Adrian Belew
And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-Grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free
Prostrate to the higher mind? They were in college in the ‘80s, getting undergrad degrees in English at Emory University. While that’s a good school, we’re not talking about the brain-breaking academic ordeals of MIT.
Ahhhh BUT Ray and Saliers pre-address their upcoming drama mamma hyperbole in the very first stanza.
I'm tryin' to tell you somethin' 'bout my lifeTAB helped me take life less seriously.
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
It's only life after all, yeah
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