Dante’s Inferno Updated

Dante Alighieri wrote his famous poem WAY the fuck back in the 14th-century. The Inferno describes Dante’s imagined tour of Hell, guided by the Roman poet Virgil. We’re now in the 21st—maybe it’s time for a wee update.

Like Dante, I’ve passed through the gate of Hell, which still bears the inscription “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” Directly underneath though, someone has spray painted (for visitors, not incoming residents) “but bring an extra tote to hold all of your schadenfreude.” My guide was the Beat poet Gregory Corso.

By the by, the abandon hope part? My friends who went to MIT claimed this was the intended inscription for the school’s entrance. Somehow the banner reads “Established for advancement and development of science, its application to industry, the arts, agriculture, and commerce” instead.

We first enter the Vestibule of Hell. Similar to Dante’s mine will contain the uncommitted— those who didn’t take a side in life.

My Inferno’s vestibule inhabitants will be all those who didn’t vote in November’s election. Their reasons might include:

• Laziness—those who couldn’t be arsed to put down the Game Boy and get off the couch to save democracy.

• The willfully blind and uninformed who refused to see how trump and his grossly incompetent lackies’ bungling incompetence would be any different than a Harris/Walz administration.

Instead of relentlessly being chased by swarms of wasps and hornets (as in Dante’s version), my head-up-their-ass types will receive constant phone calls from life insurance telemarketers. They’ll always have to answer the phone, must actually listen to the salesweasel’s full song and dance, and are unable to hang up.

We now proceed on our tour of the nine, updated, circles of Hell.

Circle One:
Dante’s contained the unbaptized and the virtuous pagans. Not in mine. Shit, being baptized doesn’t endow anyone with anything besides a wet forehead. ALSO, virtuous pagans are admirable role models. 

 My first circle is reserved for the theoretically well meaning yet stunningly clueless. These will include:

• Protest voters who believed that voting for Jill Stein or writing in Bernie would send a message to the Dems, save the Palestinians, and end all war.

• Healthcare providers who talk to Jen or Ten, instead of me—the goddamned patient—during an appointment (I have a tablet with LiveTranscribe running for a reason, you twat!).

• Anyone who talks down to me as though I’m mentally frail. I’m deaf, not stupid, you ignorant, wet sock!

Their punishment? No computers or cellphones, no internet, and all they get for dinner until the heat death of the universe is raw kale and cold, unseasoned mashed potatoes.

Circle Two:

In Dante’s world? Lust, as in, those consumed by their appetites, the grossly self-indulgent. I’ll go with that. Specifically, in my Level Two world, you’ll find:

• RFK jr. gnawing on dead bear cubs whilst sexting with or sexually assaulting random young women.

• TFG downing Big Macs and Cokes while raping women who look like his daughter.

• Pete Hegseth, the perpetually drunk rapist and serial sexual harasser. 

They will be visited nonstop by Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. They must answer the door, sit through the preaching and read the pamphlets while a herd of cats puke on their shoes. 

Circle Three:

Dante? Gluttony as in greed or excessive indulgence (not just food). Works for me. On this level we have:

• The Orange Twatwaffle for obvious reasons.

• Space Karen—richest man on the planet but, apparently, there’s never enough.

• Jeff Bezos—the second richest man on the planet steals tips from Amazon delivery drivers (whose average pay is around $20 bucks an hour).

• Health Insurance CEOs

Occupants of this ring will be bussed to an underpass in Buffalo, New York where it's always winter. They must dumpster dive for their dinner and tap dance for pennies thrown by drag queens wearing Coco Chanel and Carolina Herrera.

Circle Four:
Greed. See Circle Three.

Circle Five:
Wrath. Merriam Webster defines wrath as strong vengeful anger. This level of Hell will contain:

• Trump, all his sycophants and minions

• J. Edgar Hoover

• Franklin Graham

just to name but a few world class tiny dicked rage-a-holic haters. They will suffer the long, withering glares of Ellen Ripley as she menaces them with her flamethrower. When Ellen needs a break, Cookie Monster will come in and devour them whole.

Circle Six:
Dante chose heresy for the sixth circle. I’m going with liars. You know, the shitheels who spread rumors, lies, and utter bullshit.

The flaming, tangerine twat (of fucking course) who told well over 30,000 lies during his first administration and hasn’t stopped there, will be the main rotted turnip brain here. If his mouth is open he’s lying. Frankly, all other liars now and in history pale in comparison to incoming Prez Pinocchio.

He'll be tormented and tortured forever by a fleet of naked Vanky clones, who all stand just outside his reach. The clones will ridicule him mercilessly—telling him exactly what world leaders say about him, how stupid and inadequate he is on every level, and then they'll all point at his malformed mushroom and loudly, uproariously laugh.

Circle Seven:
Violence. Dante divided this circle in three levels.

The first round was for murderers, war-makers, plunderers, and tyrants. They were immersed in Phlegethon, a river of boiling blood and fire. Fair.

The second level of this seventh circle is the Wood of the Suicides. I call NO FAIRS! WHY are suicides in Hell at all? How much of an asshole are you to send someone who’s terminally depressed and without hope into an eternity of being encased in a tree that’s preyed on by harpies. Robin Williams, Virginia Woolf, Nick Drake, and others do NOT deserve Hell.

The third ring is for assholes who commit violence against god, art, and nature. I don’t see how anyone could go volcanic against god, a mythical creation but //shrugs// that’s probably just a failure of my imagination.

In my Inferno, there’s only two rooms in this seventh level.
One is for those who prey on and kill (whether by their own hand or not) those innocents without adequate defenses. Yes, this includes Trump, healthcare CEOs, and Netanyahu.

The second room is for violators of the planet, oil industry execs, trophy hunters (hello, Trump spawn), plastics manufacturers, and chemical pesticide spewers.

Punishment? They all will be transported to February 13, 1945, Dresden, Germany. They must survive the bombing or face being locked in a Battle of Khe Sanh time loop.

Circle Eight:
Dante named the eighth circle of Hell ‘Malebolge.’ Roughly translated this means ‘evil-sacks of shit.’ Fraudsters—this planet is infested with them.

He also included thieves, hypocrites (the entire Republican Party), people who give fraudulent advice (*cough* anti-vaxxers like RFK jr.), and sowers of discord (think Rush Limbaugh, Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Box Wine Jeanine Pirro, and that type of slime).

I’m with Dante on this one.

Punishment? They must all be scolded and lectured 24/7, for eternity, by Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher. Simultaneously, I'll release a tornado of my stinkiest brussel sprout farts on them.

Circle Nine:
This one’s for betrayal and treachery. Obviously Trump is here too as are Nixon, Bush jr., Tom Homan, Ric Grenell, Kash Patel and on and on.

Punishment will include being forced to sift and clean litter boxes, thrice daily, for 200 cats who are awfully fond of black beans. The miscreants must do this while fending off attacks from combat ready Canadian geese.

These are just my quick thoughts on a new 21st century inferno. I expect I'll come up with fresh punishments as time passes.