No One Says It Better

I need to expand my repertoire of insults. Who better to take lessons from than Shakespeare?

I do desire we may be better strangers.
~ As You Like It, (Act 3, Scene 2)

     I wish I’d never met you.

Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!
~ Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4)

     You weak, shriveled, bovine tongued, bull schwanzed, dried trout!

Away, you three-inch fool!
 ~The Taming of the Shrew (Act 4, Scene 1)

     Get outta my face you midget dicked loon!

His wit’s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard.
~ Henry IV Part 2 (Act 2, Scene 4)

     To call someone as thick as Tewkesbury mustard is to say they’re stupid and slow.

I must tell you friendly in your ear, sell when you can, you are not for all markets.
~ As You Like It (Act 3 Scene 5)

     To be blunt, you’re no prize so don’t be picky about partners.

Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.
~ All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 2, Scene 3)

     You’re so horrible, everyone should whup the living shit outta you.

My wife’s a hobby horse!
~ The Winter’s Tale (Act 2, Scene 1)

     My wife will fuck anyone and anything.

Aroint thee: go away, rump-fed runion: slut
~ Macbeth (Act 1 Scene 3)
     Aroint—begone
     Rump-fed—well-fed, pampered
     Runion—trash eater

     Get the fuck away from me you elitist garbage dump.

The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.
~ The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act 3, Scene 5)

     He smells like Trump’s overflowing diapers and cheap makeup.

There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.
~ Henry IV Part 1 (Act 3, Scene 3)

     You’re as honest as a Trump cabinet candidate (or a slice of cooked fruit).

Thine face is not worth sunburning.
~ Henry V (Act 5, Scene 2)

     You’re so worthless the sun wouldn’t waste time on your face.

This woman’s an easy glove, my lord, she goes off and on at pleasure.
~ All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 5, Scene 3)

     Tramp. Roundheels. Floozy. Jezzy. Trollop. etc. etc. 

Thou art a boil, a plague sore.
~ King Lear (Act 2, Scene 2)

     Perhaps a current day slam would be, you are an exploded pimple, a syphllitic sore.

Thou cream faced loon.
~ Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 3)

     You pasty-faced moron.

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.
~ Henry V (Act 4, Scene 4)

     Way back when Willy the Shake was writing, luxurious meant lecherous or adulterous. So this is like calling someone a disgusting, horny old...well...goat.

Thou elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog!
~ Richard III (Act 1, Scene 3 )

     You’re ugly and have all the personality of a drunk frat boy.

Thou leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agatering, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch!
~ Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4)

     You ostentatiously dressed, idiotic, wet sock.

Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows
~ Troilus and Cressida (Act 2, Scene 1)

     You’re so dimwitted, my left elbow could best you at tic, tac, toe.

Thou whoreson zed , thou unnecessary letter!
~ King Lear (Act 2, Scene 2 )

     You worthless son of a streetwalker. You're as needed as all the vowels in the word queue.

Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon
~ Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)

     You’re so odious, you’re not even worth spitting on.

Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.
~ As You Like It (Act 2, Scene 7)

     Your mind’s as sharp as a bunch of stale cookies.

Villain, I have done thy mother.
~Titus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 2)
 
     Basically, this is a 16th century yo momma joke.

We've got four years of watching and being ruled by fecal pantsed, dimbulbed, cream faced, squirrel skulled, crocodile mannered, jerky billionaire boys. It's time to practice, hone, and craft more slaps, slurs, and general disses.