Manners

There are a ton of very good guidelines for living in a civilized society – most of which Pedo’s Republican Party defy daily but we won’t delve into that today. I want to bring up a few basic ones.

😺  Saying please, thank you, and excuse me never goes out of style. Holding the door for the person behind you is nice, especially if they're older or using some sort of mobility device.

🤧  Covering your mouth when you cough or sneeze is more than good manners. In this age of RFK jr. authored healthcare devastation, it may well save someone’s life. 

🖐🏽  If you’re in a group with strangers, go on and introduce yourself to the people you don’t know. 

👩🏽‍⚕️  Address people by their name or title. I call my myriad docs by their title and last name – Dr. Plotkin, Dr. Miller, Dr. Jacobs, etc. etc. ad infinitum. If they say “oh, you can call me Scott/Dallas/Deb” I will but otherwise, no.

👂🏽  Listen to others without interrupting. When there’s a break in their talking, ask open-ended questions. Engage in active listening. 

🗣️  On having a conversation? DON’T monologue! Engage in active listening!

🍽️  You’ve been invited to a dinner party? Bring a bottle of wine or flowers or both. Frankly, cannolis are always welcome and appropriate. Also, it’s better to arrive 10 minutes late to a dinner party than half an hour early. If you’re early to a dinner party, you’re bound to catch your hosts still prepping or dressing after putting the finishing touches on the meal they’re about to serve. Awkward. Also, do NOT be more than 10 or 15 minutes late unless it can’t possibly be helped (10 car pile-up on 93N, babysitter canceled last minute and you're calling for a replacement, dog threw up on the Bokhara and I must clean it up NOW). In that case call the host, make your apologies, give an estimate as to how late you might be and ask if you should still show. Maybe you could still make it for dessert and coffee?

 🍽️   Dining: Wait for the everyone to be served and the host to sit down before digging in. 


📞  Phone: Do NOT check your phone while you’re having conversations. If you’re having dinner, coffee, drinks, whatever, with a friend, TURN OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE! Now, I understand there are exceptions. You may be expecting an important, can’t-miss-this call. Let your friend know that you MIGHT need to interrupt your time with them to take that specific call. Do NOT engage in other random texts or calls. For fucks sake, focus on who you’re with!


👥  Don’t Stand So Close To Me: The good thing about COVID times was the six-foot distancing standard. I really liked not having strangers breathing down my neck in grocery store lines. While six feet is a bit much now, we can still maintain an extended arms length (coupla feet) when standing in queues … can’t we? 


😳  Handling Embarrassment: Be gracious and smooth when you or someone else makes a mistake. Don’t light up someone else’s *oopsie* up in neon lights. Be a mensch. Sure, you can highlight your own *oopsie* for laughs if you want but never do this to someone else.


👥👥  Sidewalks: Walking with a group of people? Do NOT take up the whole sidewalk. Walk in twos. You don’t own the damn sidewalk!

👥  Escalators: Single file! Also, right side is for standing, left side is for passing/climbing. Remember this!


🚂  Elevators, Train and Bus Doors: Let people fucking exit before you try to get on, for for god’s sake!


📫  RSVPs: Be quick to respond to invitations, even if you’re saying you won’t be going. 


🌝  Social Media: Don’t air out your private, sensitive shit on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok or whatever social media site you use. Especially avoid doing this with people you work with. I mean, you can do this but brace yourself for fireworks and consequences (which may include lost employment, friendships ended, no contact relatives, etc. Go ahead, ask me how I know!).

🐛  Manspread at your peril! When you manspread you’re advertising to the world that you’re an incredibly insecure jerk with a schwanz that’d make a roundworm look tall and thick. Put your legs together you soft sackless radish!

💦  Wash your hands after using the can! What – you’re trying to be RFK jr? Are you gonna start snorting coke off the toilet seat next?

And use a damn coaster! Never put your beverage down on a wooden table unless there’s a coaster underneath it. Coasters are our friends.

Goddamnit.