Who We Are Now

America has some rock solid 40-year-old-dude-trying-to pick-up-25-year-old-women-in-hip-trendy-bars-saying-I-was-star-quarterback-in-high-school-I-coulda-gone-pro energy going on.

America is a once reasonably popular actor who, now, only gets gigs endorsing boner pills and is seen in the tabloids for getting kicked out of Applebee's for being a belligerent booze soaked twat. But only when the paparazzi are having a slow day. We’re Galaxy Quest’s Jason Nesmith without the redemption arc. 

America is the 1970s edgy-for-bubblegum-rock guitarist who hasn’t had a hit in 50 years but still thinks he’s hot. Yeah, America is now Ted Self-Humiliating Nugent.

We’re that embarrassing ex-boyfriend that you HATE to admit you once loved. I was drunk/going though some changes/a different person then.

America has become the Beanie Baby of nations. We had been worth a ridiculous amount. Now? Who the hell wants to even admit to having once spent over a thousand clams on a cheaply made, small stuffed animal?

Also, we’re nowhere near as cute AND we bite. We threaten to invade and shitify your still valuable collection of adorable stuffed toys.

We’re not to be trusted.

Jesse Duquette