16th Century Soap

In yesterday's effort to avoid doomscrolling, I landed in 16th century England. Of course this means that I was reading up on the soap opera of King Henry the VIII's infamous marital life.

 He had six wives—two of whom were beheaded for "treason."

First was Catherine of Aragon.
   After 23 years, 11 months and 12 days Henry gave her the boot. Why? Her one surviving child was a girl and Hank really wanted a boy. For what it’s worth, she DID have four other pregnancies, three of which were male. Two were stillborn (a boy and a girl) and two (both boys) died as infants.

Just FYI:
In 16th century England the infant mortality (death during the first year of life) rate was approximately 14%—140 dead babies out of 1,000 live births. The current rate in England is 3.9%—3.9 deaths per 1,000 live births.  In the US? 5.65 to 5.48%. As of 2021 we rank 57th among developed nations.

 Who’s in the top 10?

1. San Marino    1.53
2. Monaco          1.54
3. Estonia           1.55
4. Singapore.      1.73
5. Japan              1.74
6. Slovenia          1.75
7. Norway           1.77
8. Finland            1.78
9. Montenegro     1.91
10. Sweden            2.01

Anne Boleyn was Henry’s next wife. He formed the Church of England for her. Why? Pope Clement VII refused to grant the king an annulment. I mean, fer fuck’s sake, he and Catherine had been together for more than 24 years and had the future Queen Mary together! Also Catherine was the Auntie of Charles V, the Holy Roman Emperor. It was messy. In any case, the new Anglican Church gave him his ridiculous anullment, he married Anne and then had her beheaded just 2 years, 11 months and 19 days after the wedding. Why? Though she’d given birth to the future Queen Elizabeth I, (and had a bunch of miscarriages) Henry was pissed that Anne hadn’t birthed any boys. Also, he claimed she’d been schtupping her own brother and a slew of other dudes. Smells like weasel shit to me. Could he not just have the union annulled as he’d just done to Catherine? Beheading seems WAY over the top.

Jane Seymour was third in the wifing order. They were married for 1 year, 4 months and 24 days. Jane dodged Anne’s fate by birthing a boy (the future King Edward VI) and dying in the process. Lucky her?

Anne of Cleves lasted 6 months and 6 days before the marriage was dissolved. Why? What it seems to come down to is that they just didn’t have any bubbling chemistry and Hank couldn’t get it up with her. He started rumors that she was too ugly and he just couldn't. What a swell guy, eh? He, seemingly, paid her off to keep mum.

The King promised Anne that if she remained in England, she would be granted the honoured title of 'the King’s Sister'. Anne would be bestowed with vast amounts of property, such as Henry VII's Richmond Palace and later Hever Castle, the former childhood home of Anne Boleyn. Anne also received an annual income of £500 as well as revenue from several estates. She was allowed to keep all her dresses, jewels and a metal plate. (source)

Catherine Howard, wife number five, was beheaded after a year and a half of marital bliss. Interestingly, she was the cousin of Anne Boleyn—the other wife he'd beheaded. As with Boleyn, Howard was accused of making the beast with two backs with a relative—this time a cousin. Apparently, back then, fucking around on the king was classed as treason.

Henry’s final wife, Catherine Parr, survived him. They were together for three and a half years.

I imagine there are other reasons for Henry VIII’s fame/infamy but his habit of making up shit about his various wives (and having two of them offed) is the first thing that pops into my head when I hear his name.

 Okay, that and a certain tune by Herman’s Hermits.

Two beheadings out of six wives is too many.
~ Henry VIII of England 

Gee, ya think?!