Troubles with Passports

I need to start carrying real identification. My passport expired during my surgery-a-thon years and I no longer have a driver’s license.

I know there’s something called a Real ID but I’ve no fucking clue as to what that is. From what I do understand, passports have more uses (e.g. a passport will get me into Canada, Iceland, and Scotland once I’m able to travel again. A Real ID? Not so much). So, I’m going with that.
Ten took me to CVS to get the photo done yesterday. Lemme just say this…motherfucking, son of a cabbage fart demon, I was def not expecting them to look anywhere near as bad as this. Yes, I see my face in the mirror every day. I am fully aware of all my pre and post surgery nerve damage flaws. I’ve also got it on good authority (Cake) that I’m no spring kitten anymore. 

Still, JAYZUS, Mary, and Joseph, in this pic my visage would scare young children (I’m def not a rugrat fan so, not really a bad thing, all in all), cause MAGAts to cry and wet their already filthy under drawers (oh, looky there – another upside to this monstrous appearance stuff) and cause a herd of shocked warthogs to pause, mid-rampage, to ask WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL WE HOLD DEAR IS THIS! Here in Valhalla we frown on scaring warthogs. Yes, even rampaging ones.

As you can see, even Medusa was a bit taken aback.

Naturally, the second we got home, I had to text Jen.

Me: Just got passport photos.

They’re terrifyingly awful. I mean, I’d show evidence but I value your vision.

I look 1,903 years old, my mouth is at a 45 degree angle to my eyes, I have three piece Samsonite luggage sets under both eyes, my neck is wider than an industrial chimney stack, and we won’t even talk about my hair.

I’m SO ugly.

And I’m gonna cry now.

Jen: You are not ugly!! You are very cute and I’m telling you, passport and drivers license photos are pretty much bad for almost everyone. It sucks man. 

Plus you have a lovely figure 💕

Me: You gotta see these though. I’m Disney monster/villain ugly in them.

If I was single I’d use them on a dating site to repel men. Wait…that’s not what dating sites are about, right?

Jen: AND you are hilarious !

Sorry they didn’t come out good! But they are NOT what you look like missy.

Me: 😏
        n.b. She had NOT yet seen these horror show shots

Jen: Don’t give me that emoji smirk!

Me: In the pic my mouth is at a steeper angle than in the emoji WITHOUT me even trying.

Some people have resting bitch face. I have resting deranged, deformed, Gorgon twat face.

Jen: Sigh, you do not!!! 

I hate seeing pics of myself, always look like a flea bitten ass with the mange. 

Me: Mange is a hard look to pull off. I should know – I keep trying. 
~~~
I’m referring here to my 12,001 brain surgeries where I go around with a half shaved head for a few months or so afterwards because my hair takes FOR-fucking-ever to grow back in. That and those aforementioned 12,001 surgeries have left a bunch ‘o’ big ragged-ass scars. My bunny fur (badly masquerading as human hair) doesn’t seem inclined to put down roots in scar tissue. Fuckers.

Still, on this score, our hero Jen seems to feel she’s got me beat.

😖 She’s wrong, of course.

I’ve let Ten know that it’s a damn good thing we never have people with small children or dogs visiting us. Scarred for life is what they’d be!

And no, you don’t get to see the shots either. I care about your mental health too. Plus, I can’t afford all the therapy sessions you would need afterwards.