Yesterday was a good day. Zohran, Mikie and Abigail all won. Proposition 50 passed in California. Here at home, Dave Jacobs, Ziqiang Yuan, Tom Leung, and Anne Mahoney won. I’m very happy about all this.
Also, Dick Cheney died.
I understand that he arrived in Hell with a shotgun cradled in his is arms, his finger on the trigger. He startled when Lucifer, his own self, came out to personally welcome Dick to his new digs. Cheney’s sweaty trigger finger spasmed and **oopsie** the Lord of Darkness was shot in the face. Some habits, like shooting friends in the face, are hard to break, I guess. Satan is probably not be quite as understanding and forgiving as Harry Whittington.
NOT a great start to Dick’s first day of eternal damnation, eh? I’m guessing he was, at least, sent down another level.
What are those levels you may ask? Let's ask Dante!
First Circle: Limbo
Jesse Duquette
This is where the unbaptized and virtuous pagans go (not Dick). It’s not Heaven but not really Hell either – it’s just kind of meh, like unseasoned cream of wheat with no fruit. They have television there but the only channel is CSPAN. Books too but your choices are Atlas Shrugged, the 1975 Chicago phone book or Winchester yields:a study in Medieval agricultural productivity.
Second Circle: Lust
This is the place for folks who are ruled by their hormones. Reality teevee stars, youth pastors, politicians, and frat boys are commonly found here. Souls are blown about by violent storms without hope of rest or getting their hair out of their eyes.
Third Circle: Gluttony
The stone oinkers occupy this level – those who indulge in food, drink, or other self-soothing pleasures to the point of gross waste. They are supervillains of self-indulgence. The gluttons are forced to lie in pools of filthy, freezing slush. Ewwwww.
Fourth Circle: Greed
This section of Hell is for the money hoarders and the rich who spend their wealth selfishly, flagrantly, and egregiously. Their punishment is to continually drop boulders on each other whilst forever arguing about who picked up the drinks bill last and who really deserved a greater share of Aunt Claire’s estate.
The always angry and/or sullenly bitchy bunk here. The forever ragers – e.g. that cousin who seems to only be content when he’s arguing; the sister who’s not happy unless she has something to go off about; the neighbor who starts every convo with a heated complaint about whatever. The rage-heads do hand to hand combat on the surface of the River Styx (OR 93N during rush hour), while the sullen sink below, unable to voice their fury.
Sixth Circle: Heresy
This is, perhaps, a level that needs to be repurposed for the 21st century. What is heresy now? Despite vile Republican/Fascist efforts, there is NO state religion so not adhering to evangelical christofascist dogma isn’t a crime. YET. Possibly the Sixth Circle could be remodeled to accommodate those who act against the Constitution? ICE could go here OR in this next level.
Dante’s seventh circle was a bit complicated and I disagree with some of his calls but I’ll go with him on this – murderers, tyrants, and warlords TOTALLY belong here. He had them submerged in a river of boiling blood followed by a forced march on a plain of burning sand in flaming rain (or something close to that). Dante was def a creative motherfucker, eh?
Eighth Circle: Fraud
An even more complicated level than seven. It’s divided into ten trenches. If not for his myriad other crimes, this is precisely where I’d place Trump and at least three of his spawn. Punishments include being whipped with cat o' nine tails by demons and/or chaos monsters (Why? Because it’ll hurt more AND be extra humiliating). Also, they'll be buried in weasel shit, wear wet woollen overcoats, and have their respective heads twisted backward. *OUCH*
Ninth Circle: Treachery
This, so far, lowest level is for traitors – those who have betrayed their country and/or family, friends, other assorted loved ones, the tired, poor, disabled, those not born to wealth and handy connections. These fuckers are stuck fast in a vast lake of ice. Lucifer sits in the center where he chows down, nonstop, on all the unlucky fucks who rang the bell for floor nine. He's got some sharp incisors too.
Having noted all this, I hear old Lucy had to dig a whole new, tenth level to accommodate the incoming Trump administration. Ya see, most of them hit the prerequisites for too many of the other levels. Satan needed a catchall floor.
Maybe Dick Cheney will be a greeter there – ya know, like Walmart used to have. I mean, this new tenth sub-basement is gonna have to be huge to hold all of Stinky’s fools, asskissers, dumbfucks, greedheads, frauds, perverts, sadists, drunks, spineless sycophants, soulless miscreants, traitors, and what have you.
Maybe PuppyKiller Noem could be Dick’s Border Collie, herding fresh arrivals to their new forever homes of endless suffering. I imagine she’d be pretty bad at the job. She doesn’t seem like the brightest sequin on the gown AND Dick’s not a patient guy – might have an itchy trigger finger. Killer Kristi will probably be put down once or twice per work shift.
Oh wait, it’s Hell, right? Work shifts never end!
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