Found on Threads—a woman in a wheelchair was in an elevator. Another woman, a stranger, got on. Apropos of nothing the stranger asks “What happened,” as in, why are you in a wheelchair?
How abso-fucking primitive of her, no?
A commenter offered a possible riposte:
“I don’t tell that story for free. I have a sliding scale for intrusive questions. Some cost drinks, some cost dinner, some require a credit check.”
Concise and clever! Other potential replies?
• “My legs were torn to shreds by a stranger in an elevator. OH MY GOD, they looked JUST LIKE YOU!”
Start breathing dramatically, heavily while rolling the wheelchair back into a corner. Begin bleating, “please, I beg of you, don’t kill me!” When the elevator doors open and new passengers get on, act completely normal as though nothing at all went down.
• Throw the question back on the thoughtless inquirer. Ask them what happened while you gesture at their face or some other body part. If they ask “what?,” reply with “Oh, I’m so sorry. How rude of me. This is probably a sensitive, uncomfortable thing for you to talk about AND it’s none of my business. Please forgive my egregious faux pas.”
• Deadpan – “Have you ever seen the movie Alien? Well, I survived.” //break eye contact// I can’t say anymore. It’s top secret, you know." //stay silent, no matter what until the elevator doors open at your floor//
• Respond with, “What happened? What? What are you talking about?” pause, look down. “OH MY GOD, I’M IN A WHEELCHAIR. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!!!”
• Toss large handfuls of glitter at the rude person. Tell them you’re from the Department of Social Interactions and there have been several serious complaints about her. The light glitter bombing is her first warning. The next offense will warrant a Blizzard Bomb which is when thousands of tiny, static-charged foam balls will be released in the home. These will adhere to clothing, hair, cats, dogs, turtles, furniture, and rugs. Third violation and the junk mailers, spammers, and door to door religion salesweasels will be unleashed. STILL asking intrusive personal questions that are NONE of your fucking business? Into the hot box with renowned cheap makeup and fecal scented Prez Pedo she goes.
• Ask the rude questioner, “What do you mean 'what happened?'” Make them specify. When they reply “Oh, you know…”, gesturing at your legs, say “No, I don’t know. Please elaborate.” Make them ask the full intrusive, ass-faced question – why are you in a wheelchair. Then ask them why they felt it was appropriate to ask this of a complete stranger. By now the person’s probably getting fairly defensive. Keep making them uncomfortable. Push it. “How is my body ANY of your business.” Make it painfully awkward. Then, up the ante. Do they have some sort of sick, ghoulish fetish where they feel entitled to the details of stranger’s health struggles?
• Say nothing but hand them a card with a list of helpful websites like:
The Etiquette Factory
New England School of Protocol
Reader’s Digest – 13 Etiquette Rules That Should Be Taught in Schools—but Aren’t
Melissa Penfold, The New 100 Etiquette Rules for Modern Life
On the very few occasions when I’ve encountered the blindingly socially dimwitted, I’ve tended toward making communicating with me a lot more trouble than it’s worth. It's fun. I like people going away feeling frustrated, annoyed, with a hint of I've-failed-at-communicating-with-a-poor-disabled-person. It’s my little inside joke to myself.
No, I am not a noble, angelic, martyr-type disabled person. //understatement alert//
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