Tart Slams and Witticisms

You're raising the volume of your voice, but not the logic in your argument.
~  Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the infamous February ’25 Oval Bordello meeting with Pedo and JDouche

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
~  Mark Twain 

Your ability to be positive in the face of self-inflicted adversity is inspiring,
~  anonymous 

You are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. 
~  from Terry Gilliam’s movie, Time Bandits

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
~  attributed to Oscar Wilde

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
~  Groucho Marx 

The acoustics in your head must be incredible.
~  anonymous

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
~  P.G. Wodehouse 

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
~  Charles Bukowski.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
~  Winston Churchill

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
~  Clarence Darrow

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.
~  Moses Hadas

If your brains were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.
~  Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.
~  Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
~  Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy.
~  Walter Kerr

My own view is that this planet is used as a penal colony, lunatic asylum and dumping ground by a superior civilization, to get rid of the undesirable and unfit. I can't prove it, but you can't disprove it either.
~  Christopher Hitchens 

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. 
~  Charlotte Whitton

In Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus, Chiron and Demetrius ask Aaron what he did.

Aaron: Thou which thou canst not undo.
Chiron: Thou hast undone our mother.
Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother.

OUCH!!! 
A few witticisms from the brilliant Dorothy Parker:

•  You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. 

•  If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. 

•  This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

A: You can't hear an enzyme.

And a few more excellent slams from Willy the Shake:

Away, you three-inch fool!
~  The Taming of the Shrew

More of your conversation would infect my brain.
~  Coriolanus

Thine face is not worth sunburning.
~  Henry V

Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.
~  Timon of Athens