As Yoda so wisely put it:
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.Why does fear lead to anger? When I’m pissed off, I don’t feel powerless or hopeless. I feel there is something I can do to make everything better, even if that’s just yelling and bulling through the prob at hand.
I've so much fear based rage right now. Of course I do. I find it threatening to leak out onto the unsuspecting and undeserving such as:
A) Well meaning but socially mega awkward friends and acquaintances.
I only mention it but please THINK before you open your yap – imagine a mile or two walk in my Vans first. The love of my life is locked in a slo-mo struggle for life. There're precious few hopeful signs. All I can do now is stay by his side, rocking a stoic wait and see act. Life may shatter at any moment. How would you be feeling?
An aside – BIG thank you, thank you, THANK YOUS to Jen's sister Erin. She lent us a little boom box so that TAB can listen to his beloved Louis Armstrong (whose birthday is tomorrow!), Miles, Monk, Brubeck and more. This helps!B) Ostentatiously mega healthy oldsters – TAB should have their good health! He's only 74 for Bast's sake! Why don't these selfish twats share their good fortune with my man?! Hmmmm?
C) Marginally slow barkeeps — now, NOW is the time to be gracefully, speedily, magically efficient and talented. Being a mind reader would be a smart move too.
Also, if one more random doc or nurse hurriedly asks me if I read lips, I WILL scream. Ya know, I understand that these folks are busy, busy, busy helping other illin' folk besides my TAB. Fine. But please, oh baby puh-leeze don't you dare assume that reading lips is some communication Get Out of Jail Free card for you.
Nota bene: for me, or ANY deafie, to understand your mouthing:
- Rate of speech must be slowed way the fuck down (unless you’re from the South, in which case, speak naturally).
- The speaker must be facing me. I gotta see yur damn lips if I’ve a prayer of reading ‘em, old stick!
- Don't stand in front of a light source. Backlit means you're silhouetted ergo I CAN'T SEE YOUR LIPS TO READ 'EM!
- Context — give me a fucking clue of the specific topic before you start blathering.
- And if you've got facial hair or a heavy accent? Forget about it.
So yeah, I’m workin’ my sweet ta-tas off so’s I don’t rip off every third person’s head for the crime of, dunno, existing.
TAB's breathing was slightly better yesterday. I'm trying to not get carried away with hope. That's fucking hard.