OK, let’s talk about me, me, ME!

How’m I doing? I’m frazzled, exhausted, scared witless, feelin’ useless (in that I can’t fix TAB – make him ALL better NOW) and frustrated. Plus, I’m just 80 miles beyond angry. Why?

Fear

As Yoda so wisely put it:

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

Why does fear lead to anger? When I’m pissed off, I don’t feel powerless or hopeless. I feel there is something I can do to make everything better, even if that’s just yelling and bulling through the prob at hand.

I've so much fear based rage right now. Of course I do. I find it threatening to leak out onto the unsuspecting and undeserving such as:

A) Well meaning but socially mega awkward friends and acquaintances.
I only mention it but please THINK before you open your yap – imagine a mile or two walk in my Vans first. The love of my life is locked in a slo-mo struggle for life. There're precious few hopeful signs. All I can do now is stay by his side, rocking a stoic wait and see act. Life may shatter at any moment. How would you be feeling?

The safest thing to do?  Refrain from giving well intentioned but terribly ill-informed advice. Just ask me what can I do to help. The answer, most likely, will be a shrug — it's hard for me to focus beyond the immediate moment at this point. Having said that, carrot cake is never wrong.

An aside – BIG thank you, thank you, THANK YOUS to Jen's sister Erin. She lent us a little boom box so that TAB can listen to his beloved Louis Armstrong (whose birthday is tomorrow!), Miles, Monk, Brubeck and more. This helps!

B) Ostentatiously mega healthy oldsters – TAB should have their good health! He's only 74 for Bast's sake! Why don't these selfish twats share their good fortune with my man?! Hmmmm?

C) Marginally slow barkeeps — now, NOW is the time to be gracefully, speedily, magically efficient and talented. Being a mind reader would be a smart move too.

D) The MGH basement cafeteria — WHY do they not serve pizza for brekkie! Honestly, this is eine große Travestie! Rilly now. I'm off the diet at the moment and pizza at 7 AM would be just the thing!

Also, if one more random doc or nurse hurriedly asks me if I read lips, I WILL scream. Ya know, I understand that these folks are busy, busy, busy helping other illin' folk besides my TAB. Fine. But please, oh baby puh-leeze don't you dare assume that reading lips is some communication Get Out of Jail Free card for you.

Nota bene: for me, or ANY deafie, to understand your mouthing:

• Rate of speech must be slowed way the fuck down (unless you’re from the South, in which case, speak naturally).
• The speaker must be facing me. I gotta see yur damn lips if I’ve a prayer of reading ‘em, old stick!
• Don't stand in front of a light source. Backlit means you're silhouetted ergo I CAN'T SEE YOUR LIPS TO READ 'EM!
• Context — give me a fucking clue of the specific topic before you start blathering.
• And if you've got facial hair or a heavy accent? Forget about it.

Reading lips is not a magic replacement for hearing. Just FYI and shit. Be willing to key your message into a text doc on my laptop or rephrase ('cause maybe I'll be able to understand a different word shape), OR write shit down on the nifty pad that I always keep at hand. Work with me here!

So yeah, I’m workin’ my sweet ta-tas off so’s I don’t rip off every third person’s head for the crime of, dunno, existing.

TAB's breathing was slightly better yesterday. I'm trying to not get carried away with hope. That's fucking hard.