This has nothing to do with me thinking I’m better than you. This has everything to do with me stopping myself from doing something I don’t want to do, something I can no longer handle. Like many people, I have had fun experiences with alcohol. However, I have also had too many anxious-filled and paranoid experiences ultimately followed by nausea and despondency. I hate waking up and looking my friends in the eye after I feel I’ve made a fool of myself. Correction, after alcohol has made a fool of me.
It’s OK, everyone gets drunk and it’s important to let loose.
But why does letting loose make me feel so uncomfortable?
It makes me feel uncomfortable because I like to be in control. Losing control can feel dangerous. When I first began to struggle with anxiety and depression and felt powerless over my mental health I learned to take advantage of any opportunity in which to use any agency I had. But this past year I began to understand how unhealthy my relationship with control is. Lowering my intake of alcohol helped me rethink this. With more awareness of my mental health I found the ability to let go on my own, without the influence of alcohol. The realisation that I cannot be in control over everything has helped me learn how to live more freely everyday. This does not mean I am reckless. I will most likely never be reckless but I never thought I would find such joy in letting go (on my own terms).
Here is something that I struggle with: I find it difficult when others come to me feeling like I judge them for drinking. I then find myself in situations where I feel obliged to apologise for being sober, where I have to justify being sober – that it does not make me better than anyone else. I am not judging you for drinking. If you want to drink, do it, I make no judgments. I do care if you hurt yourself or put yourself in situations you don’t want to be in. But I do not care if you want to drink. Just like you shouldn’t care that I am not drinking. I want you to do what you want – let me do what I want.
I understand that fun likes company but fun can also be sober.
Crossposted at Pathoes Cave Zine