A Confession

Sometimes, when a stranger approaches me on the street, talks at me, asks me something – whatever – I respond with "I'm deaf. I don't know what you're saying” and then I go back to what I was doing (in yesterday’s instance, I was feeding the parking meter). The talker is dimissed.

What my brusque oratory translates as is this: "I'm too busy/tired/rushed to attempt the not easy task of reading your lips. You're a stranger to me so I'm wholly unfamiliar with how your face/lips look when you're saying specific words. This is a great big, goddamned challenge for me and I'm not up for it at the moment."

The sitch plays out differently if the person comes back at me with a smile and an attempt to meet in the middle by:

• showing me what they might be asking about (pointing to the parking meter and making a questioning face, fer instance) OR
• whipping out a pen and writing shit down OR
• simply speaking slower and enunciating OR
• looking confused and all Help me, Help me, like that one evening back in Cambridge.

Gimme a little ground and, man-o-man, I’ll take the time, make the effort.

Often as not, the strangers are survey takers or new product sample pushers – not folks I’d stop for even back in my full sound system days. Tuesday’s talker was probably/maybe asking about the parking meters How’s this shit work, now? Her response to my “I’m deaf…” spiel was to repeat what she’d said – same enunciation, same exact rapid recitation. In fact, she even looked annoyed with me.

Oh, gosh. I’m sorry, is my being deaf a fucking inconvenience for you?

I repeated my lines, gave her my backside and went back to dealing with the meter. Yeah, I felt a bit guilty, like I’d been rude and should’ve taken the time to try and assist her. I also felt she was damn lucky I didn’t break out my next line (only used on the most imperiously obtuse), "Deaf – it's an adjective meaning unable to hear, lacking a sense of hearing. This means that you can repeat what you've said a zillion more times and I still won't hear you." I generally voice this in icy, Jane-you-ignorant-slut, disdain tones.

I do totes realize that a lot of folks have never met or otherwise encountered a deaf person. The stunned communicators are confused and not, for whatever reason, nimbly resourceful. They just don’t know what to do/how to cope with someone who doesn't understand their language. I can help.

Still, I’m just not always up for an on-the-fly, mini master class on how to successfully communicate with a deaf person. AND, I imagine that not all of these people are interested in learning or having a new cultural experience.

Also, just FYI and shit, the next person who, upon hearing I'm deaf, lickety split asks/says You read lips though, I may slap silly. At least.