The Unbearable Lightness of Onliness

I remembered, yesterday morning, that it was the anniversary of my mother death. She’s been gone five years now but is she really gone?

Physically sure but her strong opinions and prejudices live on. Yes, so very Nietzschian, so eternal return, so Thus Spoke Zarathustra-y of her.

Up until the very day The Amazing Bob and I tied the knot, mia madre believed that I was a sad, pathetic, friendless creature. This despite ample evidence of many chums, a good-ish job, frequent fun travel AND, oh yeah, TAB and I were living together (ya know, in that fun, FUN state 'o' sin!).

I get it – she was afraid I’d have a life like my Aunt Mary Ann who was single.  Mary Ann had a brill gig (children’s book editor) in New York. She had a nice, like-minded circle of friends, an active social life and was very close to her Hoosick Falls living parents. Still, she had wished for marriage and kids which didn’t come.

For my mother, or so it always seemed to me, this one piece of Mary Ann’s life defined her – not her love of classical music, literature, art and travel. The way cool Turtle Bay apartment, her enviable job and many pals didn’t sway Lucy’s opinion. For her, Mary Ann would always be a sad, pathetic, lonely woman.

Mother couldn’t possibly feature me as happy unless I was married. Marriage, for her was an absolute necessity of life, a panacea. Without it, no matter our accomplishments, we were nothing.

Jesus, this pissed me off. I wanted her to see my worth, I wanted her to value me for me regardless of a ringed or not left hand. That wasn’t in the cards though.

Me and Poppy

Q: If my own mother couldn’t see that I was an intelligent, valuable, talented person (unless I was legally hooked up with a penised human-type), how could I possibly see myself as such?
A: I couldn’t for a very long time. With Janice’s able assist and my mondo efforts, I got there. It helped that Daddy was very supportive of me. He encouraged me to go my own way and be my own self. Yes, diametrically opposed to mother’s wishes. OK, to be fair, she was fine with me being different AS LONG AS I WAS MARRIED.

Me and my beautiful TAB

I was finally able to see and understand Lucy for who she was – a very caring but limited woman of her time, her circumstance. We don't always get the parents we need. I got one of 'em and feel wicked lucky for that.

Now that I’m a widow – singular once more after decades (three, count ‘em three) with my stunningly Amazing Bob – has my worth evaporated? Was it cremated along with the love of my life? FUCK NO!!! Still, there are days where I struggle with this – when my mother's indoctrination surfaces. It helps to remember that this is her meshugas, not mine.

On the anniversary of her exit, I tried to push this aside and focus on the good things I got from her. Artistic talent and appreciation, steel clad tenacity, relative optimism and not going grey – that's four and there's, doubtless, more.