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Saturday, July 14, 2018

Recovery Fun

I woke at 1AM with THE itchiest eye. Seriously, I just wanted to pop the sucker out, drop it in a bowl of aloe vera gel, hose out the socket and slap an ice pack across my head.

Sadly, we lame-ass humans don’t have easy pop in/pop out, interchangeable parts.

Gossamer from Hair-Raising Hare
Wouldn’t it be just too cool if we did!?

Cousin Gary’s fucked up spine? NO problem! Just zip over to the Vertebrae R Us. I hear tell Toyota makes the best, most reliable backs and hips on the market.

Jen’s feet pain? A simple matter of hitting the Michelin store and picking up a new pair of all-season tootsies.

My clapped out auditory nerves? Hell’s bells, couldn’t be simpler – Bose has factories in Framingham, Westborough and Stow. All right here in Massachusetts!

Installation? In this new easy-peasy, transposable world we just need to hit up our trusted, local human mechanics. I’d probably want to use someone down here on the Neck so’s I don’t have to deal with the rush hour slow swim up to Boston anymore. Ya know, time = money and annoyance and shit. My boss, Paula, knows absolutely everyone down here – I’ll ask her.

Naturally, before you have something new, big and/or fussy (entire mainframe replacement? Doable but OOOOOO that's a huge job) put in, check Consumer Reports, Yelp and the Better Biz Bureau’s website. In this new, simpler, replaceable parts reality we'd still need to be smart, responsible consumers. Ya dig?

This morning? I could really use a pair of Nikon lenses to go with one of them super slick Bose T1 ToneMatch Audio Engines. Seriously, mon ami.

Last night I eventually ditched the wretched Itch Beast through a liberal application of surgeon approved, no-preservative eye drops, a baggie filled with frozen peas slapped over my orb, many rounds of deep breathing exercises and Coco my faithful Distract-o Cat.

Ya know, there's never this slow motherfucking recovery in Star Trek or Star Wars. I mean, RILLY, Luke got a hand replacement and was up, ready to go, minutes later. Jean-Luc was unBorgified, fer fuck's sake, with only a few, slight recovery hurdles.

Clearly medical science has got to get on the stick rápidomente!


  1. I've thought about this. Nearly everyone I know - from people in my daily life to heroes of mine I'll never meet - have health issues which impact their daily living. That's likely the way it will always be (the alternative is sort of spooky in a sci-fi kind of way).

    It would be one heckuva sci-fi short story to have all your major characters with cut-rate, dollar store replacement parts.

    1. Oh maaaaaan, sounds like a Philip Dick story or, darker, Margaret Atwood. I’d read it/watch it and it’d scare the crap outta me.

  2. easy pop in/pop out, interchangeable parts

    Not so sure this is a good idea. Just imagine what kids would come up with playing mix-and-match. Some would end up with six arms like those Hindu gods. The kid who was best at marbles would win everybody else's eyeballs. It would be even worse if animals were the same way. Although, maybe that explains all the ancient Egyptian art of people with cat heads and so forth.