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Thursday, January 23, 2020

Roses are red

Violets are blue
My mother could be obnoxious
And so can I

I woke at 3AM from a dream that she called me – on the phone and everything. Yes, she’s dead these past eight years and was deaf for the last ten+ years of her life. Why’d she call? To tell me that she was leaving Daddy. Why? She’d decided that he was just TOO irretrievably obnoxious. He could be. Me too. Everyone’s gotta have a talent – ya know?

WHY am I having this dream? Prolly because I feel like I’m less than wonderful lately, that I’m NOT carrying my prodigious weight OR being AT ALL entertaining. Jen and Ten are doing simply EVERYTHING for me – for which I’m blindingly grateful but I feel guilt too. Of course I do – I was raised Catholic. Guilt is as much part of my OS as taking a regular breath...fer Bast’s sake.

The good news – I’m a little stronger, able to do a bit more each day. Yesterday I actually scrubbed the toilet. Yes. This DID in fact exhaust me but I simply had to do it.

I’m improving but at a frustratingly glacial pace. I MUST remember that the BRAIN surgery I just had was a real motherfucker. The BIG scar encircles my entire tête.


Tomorrow it’ll be one week since I got home from the hospital the second time. Shouldn't I be ALL better – able to leap small buildings in a single bound, hitting the gym daily AND painting?

Wut? No? I need to give myself more time? How cruelly dull.

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.
~ A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh

Even a snail will eventually reach its destination.
~ Gail Tsukiyama, The Street of a Thousand Blossoms

And I will reach mine – strength. 

And sure enough, even waiting will end...if you can just wait long enough.
~ William Faulkner