The Ordeal

About those back to back MRIs yesterday. They didn’t go well. No, I don’t have the results yet (and won’t until the 28th when I next see Plotkin). Also, I was sufficiently mellowed out...or so I thought. The problem was the staff—I believe they were training new techs (MGH is a teaching hospital after all).

• Instead of the normal one and three quarters to two hours of machine time, I was in there for close to three fucking hours. Yes, it’s an “open MRI” versus the traditional torpedo tube MRI but my head was still enclosed in a cage (and packed tight in there with stiff foam padding so my shaking—those fucking tremors I get—would be minimized). At the top of the two hour mark, I realized I should’ve taken more drugs.

• Each of my two-in-a-row scans is a two part deal. In the past, the first half is done straight—brain and then upper spine (no pause between the two). For the second half, they shoot some “contrast” shit into me. My understanding is that this is some kind of neon-esque fluid that lights up my tumors all nice and Broadway-like.

Not me. Picture this set up though, 
with vinyl covered, stiff foam 
padding on either side of my head.

The techs don’t roll me completely outta the machine to shoot me up—just far enough to inject the neon into my already installed IV. When I have these back to back MRIs, I’m shot up with contrast once only. The techs do my brain and thoracic scans one after the other.

Yesterday was different. For the first time in my 40 years of these fucking torturous tests, the techs took me completely out of the machine after each step. In fact, each time they had me get up and sit on a chair whilst they fiddled with the machine’s set up. Afterward, they placed me back on the platform, repacked my head in its tight cage and I was rolled in again. 

Lemme just tell you, each head packing, each time my head’s caged, is a fresh challenge to my  mondo muscular claustrophobia. This happened a total of FOUR times (brain without contrast, spine without contrast, brain w/contrast and spine w/contrast).

• On one of my sitting-in-a-chair breaks, I realized that I had to hit the loo. I told the tech but she vetoed that, saying they were ready to start me up again. I figured I could maybe hold on for a bit—after all, we just HAD to be close to done. I lasted as long as I could before hitting the panic button and shouting “I NEED TO PEE NOW, NOW, NOW!” The techs rolled me out, freed my head, took out my IV and off I quickly tottled to the can.

Thank the beautiful baby Bast that Jen was there to assist. I made it. Also, the ordeal was finally over.

I’ve been getting MRIs for the past 40 years. Now that I’m using the “open MRI,” I can stand to be in the machine for two scans in a row. Getting my brain and thoracic spine done in the same session saves me from having to take calming meds for a solid week (that shit wears me clean out). It saves me from having to endure horrendous Boston traffic multiple times in a week. It’s smoother, less stressful. Usually.

Yesterday was fucking amateur hour.

Jen told me later that the woman who came out before I went in was upset and yelling back at the techs about how rude they were. I didn’t find them rude so much as inexperienced, not as skilled as I’m accustomed. They were obviously stressed out and in way over their heads.

Oh yeah, I’m totally registering a complaint or three.