Schadenfreude for Breakfast

I think I may be experiencing seasonal affective disorder.

Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression. It happens during certain seasons of the year, most often fall or winter. It is thought that shorter days and less daylight may set off a chemical change in the brain leading to symptoms of depression. (source)

But, it's summer?!?

Yes. Exactly. You can have your SAD in November when the planet’s not trying to kill us with abominable heat. Me? I’m gonna SAD now and have ice cream for breakfast. I’m dreaming of 52º cloudy days with hot toddy and book at hand, while wondering if we might get some rain later.

Right this minute, here in Heatsville though, I'm enjoying delicious schadenfreude with my coconut gelato.

Years ago, when I first joined the ShoutyFace app, I received a zillion “friend” requests from people who had gone to the same high school as me. I didn’t know or remember most of them. Some faces and names were vaguely familiar. One stood out like a giant neon stinking mound of rhino shit. She was the lead tormentor of this pack of socially banjaxed asshole girls who bullied the fuck outta me, daily, for two+ years straight.

I didn’t accept Trudy’s (her nom de shithead) request but, like the overbearing imbecile she was as a teen, she kept sending and resending the request. I could have blocked her but instead thought this could be fun. After all, by the time I hit my mid-40s I was more than up to task of slaying stray bullies.

Turns out Trudy got knocked up during our senior year, married her fuck buddy and kept the kid. NO higher ed, no easing into adulthood, no college hijinks for this dim, shortsighted mean girl. Meanwhile, her brother had gotten into an Ivy. There was family money (cheezy car dealership bucks) and he now had a full free ride.

Had Trudy and her sperm donor been smart and used a little rain-hat, maybe she could’ve had a posh, swank future (with or without children) too. Was it Trudy’s decision to keep the kid and marry at 17 or did her parents give her no choice? Had she socially embarrassed them and this was unforgivable? Did they feel the need to punish her (and the poor fetus)? You know, “marry the pimply puke you fucked and have the baby or you’ll never see a dime of our money again.” Was this the parents way of teaching a grossly irresponsible child a lesson? Who knows? 

Maybe she was desperate for love and figured she’d get that from the boy and baby?

Fool.

Best as I can tell from snooping her profile, she and high school boy split up. Trudy went on to get up the spout by a few others who also chose not to stick around. Her monied up parents continued to assist her, buying her houses every time she decided to move cross country and back. They hooked her up with low level receptionist gigs at different car lots as well.

Of note, not only was Trudy a none-too-bright twat with the social skills of a crocodile suffering from antisocial personality disorder she was not a pretty girl. Add that to her congealed rat intestines dumpster fire of a personality and what do you get? Someone who’s gonna crash and burn once their dewy youth has evaporated.

For half a minute it looked like she was trying to take up photography as a hobby. Great, personal growth! Not so fast. Not only did she suck beyond what I would have thought possible, she apparently hadn’t any chums to clue her in. She’d post 50 nearly identical landscape shots, all badly or uninterestingly lit, no contrast, out of focus, with no variation. It was like a three year old proudly showing off a massive poop. With the toddler dump though, congrats and celebration would be appropriate.

It came as no surprise that, sometime in her 50s, she fell apart and became a born again right wing “christian” wackaloon. This seems to be the favored refuge of failed bullies and other self-obsessed fiascos of humanity. I expect it’s a perfect fit for Trudy’s I-peaked-in-high-school-and-need-to-reclaim-my-glory-days personality crisis. I imagine she dreams of being one of Von ShitzenPantz Trumpettes at Merde-a-lago too.

At some point my former high school tormentor de-friended me. Why? I honestly don't care.

It feels funny as well as deeply satisfying to have been able to witness the Find Out phase of Trudy’s FAFO life. Her karmic payback is every bit as sweet and refreshing as my breakfast ice cream. Her long, slow, no-growth, rolling implosion of a loserdom life is sad…for her. For me? It feels a little like when Ripley and Jones survive and triumph finally over the Xenomorph.

No, I don’t feel at all bad about this wonderful schadenfreude-y breakfast.