Social Suggestions

I was scanning through Shoutyface yesterday and stopped to read a post Social Rules That Might Help You. Now then, I don’t like the word “rule.” It’s limiting and doesn’t take in the nuances of particular situations. What might work when you’re having high tea at the Ritz is NOT gonna help you at work when your supervisor is being a full blown, assholian turnip brain.

So, I prefer to think of these as tips. Suggestions versus rules. I'm a wicked misanthrope and can always use a few fresh reminders and tips.

Number four on the list was, don’t ask awkward questions such as:
     ‘Oh, so you aren’t married yet?’
     ‘Don’t you have kids?’
     ‘Why haven't you bought a house?’
     ‘Why haven't you bought a car?’

I had a night nurse in rehab (after one of my bazillion neurosurgeries) ask me, more or less, the first two. I understood that she was trying to make conversation as she took my vitals BUT:

1. It was midnight and I’d had brain fucking surgery the previous week so I wasn’t exactly up for anything deeper than ‘do you have a favorite color’ or ‘are you a cat person or a dog person.’
2. My personal views on marriage and kids aren’t so very straight-up and mainstream. I don’t have simple answers. That is, for various reasons, I’d rather live in ‘sin’ than get married. Kid-wise, while my neuro docs strongly advised me to never get up the spout (the hormone surges would act as industrial fertilizer on my little tumor garden), I had less than zero interest in being a mother. That last bit is an understatement.

As to whether I have a house and/or car—‘the fuck kind of chit chat questions are those? WHO would ask that? Someone trying to assess my financial worth in order to run a con, that’s who. It’s bullshit.

Another ‘rule’ was that we should respect different shades of opinions. Not sure exactly what the author was getting at. Are we talking about the degree of spiciness in hot sauce? Is this about whether it’s cultural appropriation or appreciation to wear a squash blossom necklace? Dogs versus cats as pets? OR is the rule writer including human rights in this 'respect'  opinions business. Are equality and equity just matters of opinion? FUCK no, they are not. It’s impossible for me to respect a wealthy, white, racist, misogynist or anyone who glorifies them.

Rule number eight was ‘never interrupt people while they are talking.’ This is generally good social advice HOWEVER, there are some folks who confuse conversation with oration. Please, unless you’re at a lecture, in class or church, sometimes you have to hold up your hand, jump in and cut off the rolling ego, the preacher without a flock, the teacher lacking a classroom, the monologist in need of an audience. Like Kamala Harris against Mike Pence in the 2020 VP debate, I’m speaking.

Rule number nine: If you tease someone, and they don’t seem to enjoy it, stop it and never do it again. There’s an incredibly thin line between teasing and bullying. Even if you’re playing it passive aggressively, you’re not fooling anyone and you’re an antagonistic, unfunny twatzilla.

Rule 11: Praise publicly. Criticize privately. Agreed and I’ve got nothing to add.

Rule 12: There’s almost never a reason to comment on someone’s weight. Just say, “You look fantastic.” If they want to talk about losing weight, they will. Maybe the weight loss OR gain is due to health problems? If you’re concerned, ask your friend/acquaintance/sister how they’re doing. No need to preface with ‘you’ve lost/gained an awful lot of weight.’

Maybe they’re pregnant? I had an appointment with my neurologist’s nurse practitioner—I hadn’t seen her in a few months and she looked, well, a lot rounder. At our next appointment she let me know she’d be out on maternity leave. Oh.

Rule 14: If a colleague tells you they have a doctor's appointment, don’t ask what it’s for, just say "I hope you’re okay.” From the standpoint of someone who ALWAYS has upcoming, scary doc appointments, yeah. Unless you’re aware of my complicated history and rare disease, neither of us have time for a comprehensive answer to that. 'Good luck' and 'I hope you get good news' are encouraging and respectful wishes.

Rule 15: Treat the cleaner with the same respect as the CEO. Are you guilty of treating those you perceive as superior with deference and those you see as inferior with dismissive coldness? Congratulations! You’ve just shown everyone around that you’re a spineless, callous, toadfucking mark AND an asshole.

Rule 16: If a person is speaking directly to you, staring at your phone is rude. This one is a total DUH. A friend of mine came up to visit me. He lives about four or five hours away so this wasn’t a casual drop-in. He spent a fair amount of time staring at his phone and texting. HELLO, why’d you bother driving the whole way here if you’re going to be interrupting our convo to text with others who are not present?!

Bottom line? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Practice empathy. Don’t be a dick. Exhibit some fucking grace. Stop assuming...and shit.

Okay?