A More Direct Approach

Okay, I’ve got an idea. Remember the Boston Tea Party?

The Boston Tea Party was a political protest that occurred on December 16, 1773, at Griffin’s Wharf in Boston, Massachusetts. American colonists, frustrated and angry at Britain for imposing “taxation without representation,” dumped 342 chests of tea, imported by the British East India Company into the harbor. The event was the first major act of defiance to British rule over the colonists. It showed Great Britain that Americans would not tolerate taxation and tyranny sitting down, and rallied American patriots across the 13 colonies to fight for independence. (source)

How ‘bout this – instead of men disguised as Mohawks dumping tea into the harbor in the dark of night, we take a more direct approach. I think we should construct a large gold colored Trojan Moose. Like the ancient Greeks invading Troy with a soldier-packed giant horsey, we'll take back the White House with a golden moose crammed with angry warrior geese.

First, it’s obvious that if you slap a coat of gold paint on anything and call it a gift, Trump will giddily accept it like a certain Supreme Court judge raking in all expenses paid luxury vacations, houses, tuition pay offs, etc. Hell, tell the decrepit incontinent in the WH it’s a prezzy and you don’t have to bother painting it gold – that’s just a bonus to get him to open it quicker.

Second, geese are motherfuckers on a hair-trigger. To be fair, they go on the offensive when they sense a threat to their mates, eggs, and goslings. Totally understandable, no?

Geese have excellent vision and pay close attention to the eyes and body language of people and other animals that they view as potential threats. If a goose begins acting aggressively toward you, maintain eye contact and face your body directly toward the bird. Never close or squint your eyes, and do not turn your back or shoulders away because that will make the goose more likely to attack. Back away slowly and never run, yell, kick, or act aggressively in any way. If you do, the other bird may attack you as well. If a goose flies toward your face, duck or move away from it at a 90-degree angle to the direction of flight. (source)

So, you just look at a goose sideways and it’ll fuck you up. Guaranteed, the fool on Capital Hill isn’t gonna open up his Trojan Moose and treat these attack geese with courtesy and respect.

Canada geese will take him out. Afterwards, they’ll shit all over his stinky-ass corpse. Probably light it on fire too. That’s a flourishing touch I can admire.

Our problems, of course, won’t be over then. We’ll still need to rid the government of every last kakistocratic, oligarchic, plutocratic, on-the-take, racist, renfield-of-Russia. These fuckers will be chased down by Plutus, the gold demon of wealth who guards Dante’s fourth circle of Hell. That’s where the greedy are doomed to spend eternity.

Sometimes, I honestly wish I believed in this eternal damnation shit.