Hear Me Out Now…

For Easter, Jen got me a basket filled with fabola treats from Hilliards. They’re a fourth generation family-run chocolatier and candy maker.

The standout prize was a dark chocolate egg with cookies and cream type filling. Seems to me that these awesome eggs should be available every month—NOT just at Easter.

We could make them seasonally appropriate. Fer instance:

January

In January we celebrate Jen’s birthday. WHY this isn’t a national fucking holiday is beyond me. In honor of Saint Jen (who IS the patron saint of dark chocolate, perfectly grilled brussels sprouts, and spinach/feta scones) Hilliards should make dark chocolate, pistachio cream filled uteri to honor our very own cancer surviving hero.

February
This is such a bleak fucking month. Thank Boreas it’s the shortest one.

To get through it, I do believe we need white chocolate reproductions of roadside snowbanks. These will be festooned with dark choc sprinkles (to simulate the ever present filthy car exhaust coating) and filled with crushed hazelnuts.

They should also offer Lupercalia treats. Could there be anything nicer than that? Top off your traditional Lupercalian dinner of roasted goat with a raspberry cordial filled Romulus and Remus. Sweet, tasty, and you’ll be warding off evil spirits and infertility (or fertility—your choice).

March
Celebrate the month of Saint Patrick with milk chocolate serpents filled with a Jameson’s infused creamy ganache. Yes, we’re banishing the snakes from Ireland in the most delish manner. Okay, okay, like so much else in religions, this is bullshit (snake shit?). There never were any snakes for him to yeet BUT, we fragile humans need champions like the tooth fairy, Santa, and Superman. So, St. Patrick chocolate snakes it is!

April
April first is International Edible Book Day. I was unaware of this food loving bibliophile day. It’s a celebration of French gastronome Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin. What better way to honor the man than with than with marzipan filled chocolate versions of your favorite tomes?

Me? I’m going with Pynchon’s Gravity's Rainbow because it's the only version I’ll ever finish and fully appreciate.

May
Celebrate Cinco de Mayo, the day the Mexican army trounced the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. Do it with Aztec Wonder Cookies!

Also Memorial Day is in May. This calls for dark chocolate tombstones filled with the ghosts (vanilla/mint cream) of our dearly departed loved ones, duh.

June
June is Black Music Month. Celebrate with milk and dark chocolate disks imprinted with fabola versions of the album covers of Jimi Hendrix, Richie Havens, Eartha Kitt, and Etta James.

July
The first of July is Canada Day. Celebrate our bedeviled-by-us northern neighbors with chocolate maple leaves filled with maple syrup.

August
August is my birthday month so, OF FUCKING COURSE, Hilliards should be making dark chocolate brains with all manner of fillings. There will be raspberry, cherry, Jamison’s, blackcurrant, and Amaretto cordials. Pecan and walnut butters. Grand Marnier ganache. Whole blueberries and cranberries. There will be one big brain with cookies and cream inside. //mmmmmmm//

September
This is Happy Cat Month. According to Cake, Skitter and Walter EVERY month is Cat Month. Of course.

Happy Cat Month is about recognizing the joy our feline friends bring to our lives and doing our best to return the favor. By creating a stimulating environment, engaging in regular play, and prioritizing their health, you can help your indoor cat live a rich and fulfilling life. (source)

October
Halloween’s treat will, naturally, be a ghost. White chocolate with coconut cream inside.

November
In honor of the harvest they should make gourds, pumpkins, ears of corn, and dark chocolate turkeys, all with cranberry filling.

December
Who doesn’t love chocolate dreidels? I’m askin’ ya?! For the adults, there will be rum ganache insides. The kids can have caramel dreidels.

Obviously Hilliards needs to hire me as a product developer. I’ve got zillions of ideas for chocolate.