Stand-up

Watched another Mrs. Maisel last night and, mein Gott, that’s a good show. I need to know (and I’ll be sure to dig into this later today), were there any real life Mrs. Maisels back in 1958? Ya know, women stand-up comics who could get up on stage and talk like Lenny Bruce, Mort Sahl or Dick Gregory — where were they? Were they all locked in kitchens? Frozen out by tiny dicked, chickenhearted misogynists who couldn’t bear the thought that a vagina toting human might be *gasp* just as (or more) bitingly witty and insightful than them? Yep, most likely. 

Some wit from the greats of then and now. 

Lenny Bruce
Life is a four-letter word.

…must be lonesome, being bright and witty and aware.

Mort Sahl
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

Dick Gregory 
The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

Richard Pryor 
You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.

Do you know how you felt when you would lean all the way back in a chair, and just before you were about to tip over, at the very last second, you'd catch yourself ? That's how I feel all the time.

George Carlin 
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! 

Wanda Sykes 
Until a Drag Queen walks into a school and beats eight kids to death with a copy of 'To Kill a Mockingbird' I think you're focusing on the wrong shit. 

Women and our right to choose were going to be challenged with Ashcroft around. When Bush appointed Ashcroft, I went out and got me four abortions. I stocked up. The doctor was like, 'Listen, you're not pregnant.' I said, 'Hey, just shut up and do your job. I'm exercising my right while I can, dammit.” 

White criminals commit the biggest crimes. A brother might rob a bank. A white man will rob a pension fund. The brother is going to get ten to fifteen years because he had a gun. The white guy is going to get a congressional hearing because he had a job and a nice suit.

Sarah Silverman 
Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.

Some people need Hell. If you’re the type of guy who sees a hooker in an alleyway and instinctively thinks, “Hey, now there’s something I could rape and kill without any consequences,” then the concept of Hell might really keep you out of trouble.

People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.