White Trash America

Construction crews have begun the next step in the white trashification of the White House. They’re building a “cage” on the lawn for an Ultimate Fighting Championship event which will be part of Pedo’s “Great American State Fair” – the Freedom 250 extravaganza.

I hear the concert series portion of the 16 day event, announced with an array of big, BIG, not-the-usual-losers-seen-with-Pedo performers, is turning into the Great American Shit Show.

At least seven of the nine performers – people like Martina McBride, Morris Day and The Time, The Commodores, and Young MC have already backed out. Why? Turns out they were mislead.

The artists were never told about any political involvement with the event. And despite the claims by the organizers that the event is nonpartisan, SPIN magazine describes it as ‘Trump-backed.’ (source) 

Freedom 250 was launched by Pedo late in ‘25. It purposely, deceptively describes itself as a "national, non-partisan organization leading the celebration of our Nation's 250th birthday." Shitzenpantz appointed Keith Krach, who served as an under secretary of state during his first term, as the organization's CEO. Make no mistake, this IS a Trump-backed org and anything to do with Trump is ALL about him.

The goal of the event is to make Dipshit Demento Donnie look magnificent and munificent – the grand impresario, the magnanimous dictator providing his adoring subjects entertainments to celebrate that he allows them to live in his country.

In order to get real, actual talent though, the organizers had to hide the fact that the concert series was a Trump deal. No sane artist wants to be associated with that world destroying, idiot madman. If nothing else, playing on Donnie’s stage is career suicide. At least one group wasn’t even asked about performing – their name was just included on the posters.

Can you say “desperate” kids? Sure ya can.

“Unfortunately, what was presented to us as a celebration of our country has evolved into something much more divisive than what I agreed to be a part of,” the frontman (Bret Michaels) of the band Poison said in a statement on social media.
   ~~~
The first to drop out, hours after Wednesday’s announcement, was Morris Day, who called his scheduled participation in the summer concert series on Washington DC’s National Mall a baseless “rumor”. 

Later on Wednesday, Young MC posted a message that began: “I have informed my agents that I will not be performing at the Freedom 250 event.” 

“The artists were never told about any political involvement with the event,” he added, before casting doubt on the claim from Freedom 250, the group created by Donald Trump to organize the celebration of the US’s semiquincentennial, that the series was nonpartisan. 

And on Thursday, the Commodores, C+C Music Factory, Martina McBride and Milli Vanilli all either dropped out or expressed surprise that they had ever been booked.  (source) 

Now, if the audience was just Pedo’s halfwit, white trash MAGAts, the planners could’ve put any two-bit talentless hack on stage. Hell, MAGAts’ll cheer and dance to a stack of yodeling turds – e.g. “Kid” Rock, Jason Aldean, Ted Nugent. Why didn’t they book these clowns? Because those barking butt plugs don’t draw the big crowds they’re looking for. They’re crowd repellents.

Optics would be muy, muy bad. A serious embarrassment for Dear Leader.

Vanilla Ice will still be performing. I know. WHO?! Bobby Van Winkle is almost 60-years-old now. His big claim to fame is the song Ice Ice Baby which he wrote when he was 16 – 42 years ago. That’s just ridiculously sad. It reeks of all those pathetic old dudes who still brag about their glory days on the gridiron way back in high school. Bobby can feel reassured that he’s still hip and now – the infamous puppy killer Kristie Noem and undead Stephen Miller enjoyed grooving to his four decade old artistic spewings at Mar-a-Lago on New Years Eve. 

I saw someone describing the White House’s decor as "Temu Versailles.” With the big “wrestling” cage and stands going up out front though, it’s beginning to look more like a traveling carnival had a headlong collision with an ‘80s rapper and a museum dedicated to Liberace, curated by three totally tweaked out meth heads. All of the over-the-top bling, none of the pizzazz.

What can you expect from a man who, as John Oliver put it, looks like a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.

Don't Do It, Texas!

Who comes up with these state tourism slogans? Most of them are fairly tame. Montana’s “The Sky's the Limit” is nice enough. Some are cute, like Rhode Island’s – “Fun-Sized.” Oregon’s used to be “Stay Weird.” AWESOME! It’s now “We Like It Here. You Might Too.” Kind of Gen-X cool.

Texas? I believe it’s currently “Don’t Mess with Texas.” If voters elect Ken Paxton as their next senator, they’ll need to change that.

Texas with Paxton? How about: "Texas, the Child Abuse State" or "Texas is for Pedophiles." You know, like "Virginia is for Lovers" only disgusting, skeevy, heinous, and illegal.

Paxton might or might not be in the Epstein files – since the release was purposely, chaotically bungled, inconsistently redacted and completely half-assed we may never know – but he’s MOST DEF a big supporter of child abusers.

In addition to supporting Prez Pedo, Paxton helped his pedophile pal, attorney Adam Hoffman, (formerly of  China Spring, Texas – now living somewhere in Nebraska) get out of the consequences of his vile crimes. Hoffman was convicted of first-degree felony continuous sexual abuse of a young child over the course of THREE years, starting when the kid was in third grade (so, about eight-years-old!). Hoffman faced a possible sentence of life without parole. Instead, Paxton got him a deal. Magically, Hoffman’s years of raping a child turned into a mere misdemeanor with a 30-day jail term. ONLY after this became a major campaign issue for Paxton was Hoffman’s sentence doubled to a measly 60 days. 

Adam Hoffman – 
child rapist now living 
somewhere in Nebraska

Here’s the kicker though – Hoffman was released from jail Monday, after just 29 days of his tiny-ass 60 days sentence. Why? "good behavior." Yeah sure, I’ll bet. Oh and Hoffman won’t be required to register as a sex offender and he’ll be allowed to practice law again.

Paxton looks after his own. Ken Paxton is for Pedophiles. That’s his slogan.

On top of that, he’s an idiot, thieving, three count felon.

On CBS News: 

Reporter: Ken Paxton has taken to calling you ‘Talafreako’

Talarico: If Ken Paxton is worried about freaks, he should stop giving Epstein-style sweetheart deals to pedophiles. This is the guy who just released Adam Hoffman from jail, an admitted child rapist, after one of Ken Paxton’s wealthy lawyer friends got involved in the case. 

OUCH! Now THAT’S how it’s done! Sharp, sizzling hot, and right out of the gate.

And attorney general, Ken Paxton sued schools that didn't display the Ten Commandments inside their classrooms.

Some of the Commandments include:

The mugshot of Ken Paxton, a smug, pedophile enabling, 
ethically and morally twisted and bankrupt, greedheaded,
thieving, predatory collection of cellular matter.

Thou shalt not commit adultery 
     Paxton has had multiple extramarital affairs. 

Thou shalt not steal
     In 2015, Paxton was indicted on three felony securities fraud charges. In May of 2023, the Texas House of Representatives impeached Kenny-boy on 20 articles, including misapplication of public resources, bribery, and abuse of public trust. 

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor
     Paxton was impeached for making false statements in official records – see above.

Speaking of bearing false witness, Texas Republicans are actually dancing around with lies, saying:
"He (Talarico) says it's immoral to eat meat!"
"He thinks there's 23 different genders!"
"He's a vegan!!!”

‘da fuck?

Talarico didn’t say any of this and he’s not vegan, as if anything’s weird or wrong with being vegan, fer fuck’s sake. The fucked up thing is that this spreading lies and smears shit actually works. 

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.
~ attributed variously to Mark Twain, Winston Churchill, and Jonathan Swift 

In 2020, eight of Paxton's most senior aides (including his First Assistant AG, multiple deputy attorneys general, and his Director of Law Enforcement) reported him to the FBI for alleged bribery and abuse of office. Not political opponents, but his own people.  

They were fired. Of course they were. A court later awarded $3.3 million to four of them after finding the AG's office violated the Texas Whistleblower Act. Texas taxpayers paid that bill. Of course the taxpayers versus the guilty parties did.

Paxton is dirty as all hell. From the tippy top of his thumb shaped head and bad haircut to the tip of his, doubtless ugly and ringwormed toes, the man’s corrupt and shedding festering malfeasance with every breath he takes.

His opponent James Talarico? He’s a former middle school teacher, and Presbyterian seminarian. Unlike Paxton, he’s on the side of regular folks versus the multi-millionaire and billionaire-class.

But sure, Paxton calls Talarico ‘Talafreako.’

Outside of Prez Pedo, the Grifter in Chief, Paxton is the most corrupt politician in America.

Stephen Nosferatu Miller started yesterday posting that Talarico is trans. Again I ask – ‘da fuck? Off the wall take from a blood sucking fiend and infamous diseased-rat eater but, ya know, okay.

Miller was called ugly in return and then had his wife run to Fox to screech that her poor liddle rat eater was being horribly abused. Who knew? Nosferatu’s actually an ultra delicate snowflake and needs his harridan to defend him!

Possibly he’s just mad because Talarico can go out in sunlight without bursting into a cloud of a thousand bats.

DEPORT ICE!

In case I haven’t mentioned this a zillion times already, and I know I have, NOTHING from this facist fucking administration can be trusted.

I know. Like…DUH!

The governor of New Jersey, Mikie Sherrill, Senator Andy Kim, and U.S. Rep. Rob Menendez went to check out the reports of wickedly substandard conditions at the Delaney Hall concentration camp in Newark, New Jersey. Prisoners had organized a hunger strike to protest the disgusting, befouled food and inadequate, woefully subpar medical "care."

Detained migrants said they found live worms in their meals of beans and salad. They also complained of crowded rooms with no air conditioning, and they told stories of their cases being ignored by judges or bonds being denied, all in an attempt to force them to self-deport. (source) 

The people protesting, despite what the apparatchiks are spewing, were peaceful (NOT rioters!). Then the ICE goons started shooting pepper balls and mace at people and into the crowds. Why?

Cover. Homeland Securities thugs were trying to smuggle out Martin Soto, the leader of the hunger strike. His pregnant, American citizen, wife was one of the protest organizers. ICE needed a distraction so, naturally, they turned to violence. They tried to incite a riot.

Anne Telnaes

ICE and the concentration camp’s for-profit operator, GEO Group, want to transfer strike leaders to out-of-state facilities (Louisiana or Texas) in order to deflate annoying protests. Also, in doing this, they separate prisoners from their lawyers. If prisoners can't access their lawyers or the courts, they’re kept in the for-profit prison longer. The longer they’re locked up, the more money GEO Group makes. This is, basically, state sponsored human trafficking. Oh and if/when prisoners die due to contaminated/tainted food and lack of or substandard medical care? BONUS for Stephen Nosferatu Miller and his oafish, potato-brained, henchman MarkWayneBobRayRonFred, who want all insufficiently white right-wing fascists offed posthaste.

ICEholes got a bit carried away in their orgy of barbarism though – they pepper sprayed a senator. That’s gonna make for some nasty,  unavoidable, and embarrassing headlines, eh?

Kim initially tried to broker a temporary agreement between the demonstrators and federal agents, in which the agents would scale back tactical teams and immigrant advocates could inspect cars leaving the facility to see if detainees were inside.

But in the meantime, agents began pushing the crowd backward, firing less-lethal rounds containing an irritant toward the protesters and making several arrests.At times, Kim stepped between the protestors and agents putting his arms up in a “stop” motion as the scene grew chaotic.

“I tried to find a way through this … to be able to have this happen non-violently,” the senator said in a phone interview a few hours later.

“I ran up and put myself between the ICE officers and the crowd, and that’s when they started to shoot at us with the pepper balls — as well as using the pepper spray — and were tackling people."

Kim said his eyes and throat were still “burning” and his hand “hurts a lot” but added: “It’s not about me.” (source) 

Sounds like they shot at him directly. Targeted him, in fact. ICE – they don’t exactly hire the best and brightest, do they? We all knew that though. They hire desperate, emotionally stunted, intellectually unburdened, barbarity prone moldy turnips with poor impulse control.

What’s happening with the Martin Soto, the targeted prisoner? An emergency petition for his release has been filed in federal court.

Mike Luckovich

“At this point, petitioner’s detention no longer resembles ordinary civil immigration custody,” the filing by attorney Alexandra Minogue argues. “It has evolved into escalating punitive confinement marked by retaliatory termination of all family visitation, threats of solitary confinement, deteriorating detention conditions, allegations that detainees were served food containing worms, attempted movement during active federal habeas proceedings, and profound psychological harm inflicted upon a pregnant United States citizen spouse and medically vulnerable children.”

Soto was deceptively, heinously, brutally moved to another concentration camp in Elizabeth, New Jersey. Minogue was able to talk with him there on Monday.

“[Martin] appeared visibly ill and substantially underweight and displayed bruising to his arms, wrists, and ankles consistent with forceful restraint,” Minogue declared in the filings.

At the time the emergency motion was made, according to the filing, “[Martin] remains housed in solitary confinement conditions and wildly restricted to access to counsel as well as terminated visitation for his family.” (source) 

DEPORT ICE – KEEP THE IMMIGRANTS!!!

Spending tens of billions of dollars from American families to perpetrate cruelty against people who aren’t violent criminals or felons is a waste of money and wrong…. Our government should focus on helping Americans afford their lives, not lock people up in for-profit detention centers where corporations like GeoGroup and CoreCivic make billions. No profiting off of human misery.
~ Senator Andy Kim 

Distractions

Yesterday Jen, Oni, and I watched the third and final installment of Good Omens – a teevee show created by Neil Gaiman, based on the novel cowritten by him and Terry Pratchett. I was surprised to see that there even was a third season given the myriad sexual “misconduct” (to couch it ever-so-gently) accusations, by multiple women, against Gaiman. 

I mean, dude’s not exactly a popular old boy right now. Maybe he never will be again. His agents, publishers W.W. Norton say they won’t work with him again. Anansi Boys publisher Dark Horse Comics have dropped him. The UK stage production of Coraline has been canceled, and Disney has put production of the movie of The Graveyard Book on hold. There’s not been a formal public boycott but I think his popularity, excepting his hardcore fanbase, is def fading. (puts in mind Trump’s dwindling cult)

I was never a big Gaiman fan – always seemed there was something missing. I felt I should be into his stuff – all the cool kids were and, from the book jacket copy it seemed like I would be. But…meh. Always, disappointingly meh. //shrugs//

The book Good Omens worked for me probably because it was a collaboration with Terry Pratchett. Terry Pratchett brought in humor and a more down to earth, don’t-take-yourself-so-damn-seriously tone.

Good Omens the teevee show – Gaiman served as showrunner (similar to being the conductor of an orchestra – showrunners have primary creative control). Pratchett’s sensibility was maintained though. I was wondering, now that the world knows what a depraved, mentally fucked, creepazoid dick he's alleged to be, would there actually be a third season.

Yes and no. 

Deadline reported that Amazon will end production of Good Omens with a 90-minute final episode to be produced this year, instead of a full third season. "Gaiman contributed to the writing of the series finale but will not be working on the production and his production company the Blank Corporation is no longer involved," Deadline said. (source) 

I absolutely loved the book and first two seasons of the teevee series. Even knowing that Gaiman had little to do with the last 90-minute episode, I felt conflicted in watching. I mean, the bastard’s still denying what all these many women claim. He’s making money off me viewing this episode. Still, I watched and felt, at the outset, a bit hypocritical. Okay, that feeling is lingering.

The show was completely brilliant though. Much more Pratchett than aren’t-I-deep-special-and-artsy Gaiman.

No spoilers from me! Okay, two very minor ones. God is a Black woman and the devil is an old, twisted white guy. That’s not actually a surprise though.

Another show we’ve been trying on – Bunheads. 

It's a fish-out-of-water story – a once-promising classically trained ballet type dancer becomes a Vegas showgirl. Gets tired of bright lights/cheesy life, marries an impossibly nice, rich guy who she barely knows. He conveniently dies in a car crash leaving her a huge property in rural California, complete with angry, mentally unstable mother-in-law who teaches at a home ballet school. Drama and shenanigans ensue.

It was created by Amy Sherman-Palladino – the same person who did The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel! How could we go wrong?

Well, lemme just tell you. First, Bunheads is built like a house with no interior structure – there’s no load-bearing skeleton holding the storyline up. Blanket forts and sandcastles have more structural integrity. The writers seem to get bored easily and *BAM* shift gears mid episode…repeatedly. Willy nilly, they add lap robe additions or afghans for the blanket fort’s new sunroom or whatev.

Also, we’re to somehow believe this 30+ year-old Vegas showgirl drops her entire life, drunkenly marries a near complete stranger, moves with him away from all her friends to a new state, all because of one bad audition for a more artistic/less showgirl-ish role?

As for the the mother-in-law – after watching Trump over the past 10 years, I think we’re all becoming adept at diagnosing a potential narcissist. Plus, I don’t need the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses (DSM) to figure this woman’s bipolar too.

Really, the writers could try building a coherent story instead of relying on gags and what ifs thrown out at desperate midnight WE’VE GOT A DEADLINE IN EIGHT HOURS brainstorming session.

No wonder the show only lasted one season.

Dogs with Guns

A dog “accidentally” shot a woman with a shotgun.

According to Scottsbluff police, the owner of the truck had pulled into the convenience store….The dog triggered a shotgun that had a live shell in the chamber, causing the firearm to discharge. (source)

The victim, a woman, was in a car stopped at a traffic light when the dog shot her. Her injuries were thought to be non-life-threatening. FYI, this is Nebraska – Scotts Bluff County is seriously Republican. They’re so right wing, they probably gave that dog a medal and extra treats for shooting a woman.

Here in the US, even our pets are gun happy loons. This is why we don't keep firearms in our house in Valhalla. Bast only knows what Cake, Skitter or Walter would do if their dinner was late.

Couple of black bears walked up to a Sparta, New Jersey home. One rang the doorbell with its nose. The news article does not mention whether these bears were Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, door-to-door solar salesmen, greasy GOP canvassers or ICE goons hunting for prey.

New Jersey Fish and Wildlife said black bear sightings have been reported in all of the state's 21 counties. Residents are urged to prevent encounters with the animals by securing food, trash and any odors that might entice them. (source) 

The bears eventually left, without the door being answered. Possibly these were just nice, neighborly bears who were looking to make new friends and maybe borrow a cup a honey? 

Just FYI, black bears are generally shy and avoid humans. I certainly would if I could. While they are capable of killing people (as, presumably, am I), the last time that happened in New Hampshire (just fer instance – they have a big-ass population), was back in 1784. That’s so long ago, by then Trump had only filed for bankruptcy once or twice.

A lone emu was found wandering along the road in Duson, Louisiana. What the fuck? Why was this poor emu out on its own? Emus are social beasties AND May is mating month. Love is in the air and shit.  Shouldn’t this bird be somewhere making the beast with two backs (or however they do it)? You know, making little baby emus?

By the by, these giant, flightless babes have an interesting repro/family practice.

For most birds, producing an egg is just the start of a female’s parental duties, which include tending to the eggs and, depending on species, possibly feeding and caring for the hatchlings. Not so for emus: Once the female lays the eggs, her responsibilities to the brood are complete—but a male emu’s work is just beginning.
   ~~~
Tending the nest is a huge investment for an emu dad. He rarely eats or drinks during this time, and can lose up to half his body weight, says Ryeland. (source) 

The expectant daddies incubate the eggs – an eight week period, turning them as much as 10 times a day. He survives on stored body fat and any morning dew he can reach from the nest. Talk about dedication! What’s mom doing? Some stay and defend the nest until the chicks start hatching but most head out to find a fresh mate and a new nest. They don’t waste the short mating season on just one dude.

Imagine how different the world would be if humans were like this.

On a slightly different note – have you heard about the Emu War of 1932? This was a short, unsuccessful military operation in Australia.

Three members of the Royal Australian Artillery were assigned to cull roughly 20,000 emus using machine guns, but both the weapons and tactics employed proved wholly unsuited for the task. The assignment was made in response to petitions from local farmers complaining of emus destroying their crops. After two months, fewer than 1,000 emus were reported killed. The failure was the subject of national and international ridicule. (source) 

The soldiers opened fire – the birds scattered. They were not the easy targets the army had taken them for.

It soon became clear that one emu in each group served as a lookout to warn the others, giving them time to escape. Meredith stated publicly that the emus could “face machine guns with the invulnerability of tanks.” Such statements made military action against the emus increasingly unpopular, with opponents arguing that such treatment of emus was inhumane. (source) 

The army was persistent but, ultimately, the emus won.

I’m pretty much always gonna be on the side of the beasties. Maybe not the ones in any of the Alien movies though. That sheep and the other creatures in Alien Earth make the xenomorph and face huggers seem positively quaint. 

Shark Jumping

I woke from a dream where there was some major dramatic hoopla going on with the part of my family I’m not often in contact with. At the center of it all was a niece who was, potentially, being lied about. She had supposedly acted badly, deceitfully, nastily towards her siblings, mother, and uncle.

Here’s the thing though, every last one of the players in this scenario has so consistently bent the truth that I’ve learned not to ever take any of their versions of a conversation, event or situation as stone truth. Are they intentionally lying to me? Sometimes. For whatever reasons (guilt, shame, embarrassment?) they feel a need to be deceptive. In other instances, I’m absolutely certain that the semi-fictional concoctions they relate are simply how they see the world – it’s how the world looks to them through the scrim of their life experiences and insecurities.

It’s sad. Also, never knowing what’s real, partially true, and flat-out fantasy is exhausting. I think you can probably understand why I’m not in frequent touch with all of them. Right?

What inspired the dream? I’m betting it’s this administration who cried wolf/assassination attempt 500 too many times. They’ve truly jumped the shark.

Hours after the incident, Trump said in a post on Truth Social that the shooting was another sign the White House needed a “safe and secure space,” such as the ballroom that he is seeking additional funding for.

“The National Security of our Country demands it!” Trump said.

Sure Jan. 🙄

He’s bored with and given up on the BIG WIN in Iran. It’s raining in New Jersey so he can’t golf. He can’t go to Junior’s wedding because: A. It’s not all about him and B. The Bahamas won’t admit adjudicated rapists. What’s a bored, malignant narcissist to do? I know! Let’s stage another assassination drama!

Of course it's also a scam to to get his Epstein Dance Hall/bunker and Arc de Treason paid for with loads of dough left over to fill his off-shore accounts. Also a distraction from:

• His shit poll numbers.
• The fact that he’s in the Epstein files so much they should be called the Trumpstein files.
• His wholly unnecessary, complete, and absolute, bollocking of Iran, Iran, Iran.
• His war on America .
• The murders by his ICEhole goon squad.
• The ICE concentration camps.
• His never-ending theft of OUR tax-payer dollars being used for payoffs and bribes to cronies and other criminals.

Oh and speaking of lying, Pedo’s crew says that Iran agreed to give up its stockpile of highly enriched uranium.

But…

Later Sunday, a senior Iranian source told Reuters that Tehran has not agreed to hand over its highly enriched uranium stockpile. The source said Iran’s nuclear issue was not part of the preliminary agreement with the United States.

“The nuclear issue will be addressed in negotiations for a final agreement and is therefore not part of the current deal. There has been no agreement over Iran’s highly enriched uranium stockpile to be shipped out of the country,” said the source. (source) 

This orange griftosaurus has cried wolf so many times I wouldn't believe it was a real assassination attempt even if zombie John Wilkes Booth and zombie Lee Harvey Oswald teamed up, broke into Mar-a-Lago and chowed down on Donny over the omelet bar. And Obama and Hillary paid for it.

Even if it was real, no one cares anymore. He’s played the drama queen, poor-victim-me card way too many times. We’re all beyond worn out with his reality teevee presidency. Season two of Prez Donnie the Dunce is a total loser and needs to be yanked.

An aside – I wonder, are these guys, the ones hired to play the part of the assassin, made aware that there’s an excellent chance they’re not going to come out of the little panto in one piece? I mean, are they warned and paid up front so they can make sure any loved ones are taken care of in the aftermath? Do they sign a contract? Probably not. Trump wouldn’t want anything in writing, would he? Plus, he assuredly doesn’t pay in advance and would totally stiff the surviving estate. Just ask E. Jean Carroll – he still hasn’t paid her.

Just let us know when the orange grifting rapist’s dead. K?

Now Epstein’s Ballroom Blitz is playing over and over in my head.

SeaLife

These absolutely gorgeous fishies are called blue tang OR blue barber, blue doctor, blue doctorfish or blue tang surgeonfish. NOT to be confused with orange Tang made popular by NASA on John Glenn's Mercury orbit around the Earth. Man 'o' man, I really pestered my mother to buy Tang!

With all those name options, how does one know what to call a blue tang? In order to avoid embarrassing faux pas, it’s best to simply ask them their preferences. For example, my usual brain cutter, Fred, most def insists on being referred to as a surgeon versus a doctor and well he merits that distinction. The neurologist who treats my essential tremors is to be referred to as Doctor Goodheart not Ms. Goodheart. Of course! Me? If I was a blue tang, I would want to be addressed respectfully as Tang, Empress of all Valhalla. Naturally.

Related, the yellow barber and yellow doctorfish. While I was hip to the fact that aquatic dwellers, like humans and other organisms, would be in need of medics from time to time (some of us *cough* me *cough* more than others), I was wholly unaware of their need for barbers. Interesting. Learning new things every day and shit!

Have you seen the Chondrocladia lyra AKA the harp sponge? Yeah, it kinda looks like a harp but it also resembles an over-designed toast rack. You know, the kind you’d find at Williams Sonoma or need to go direct to Paris to acquire.

The harp sponge is a carnivorous beauty so it probably won’t eat your toast but it might take a bite out of you. Well, only if you’re a tiny crustacean. Dunno if the prefer butter or a schmear of cream cheese – you'll have to ask.

How about the humpback anglerfish AKA Johnson’s abyssal seadevil, viperfish, and, appropriately, fangtoothfish. There’s little to no light at the depths they live so our scary buddies attract prey with a nifty bioluminescent lure between its eyes. Like miners lamps, sort of! 

Fang’s tum-tum can expand to accommodate prey much larger than itself. Can relate. I get like that sometimes too, pal. Especially around pizza. 

How about this cutest little creature? Costasiella kuroshimae, AKA leaf slugs, sea sheep, or leaf sheep. They can be found in the waters off Japan, the Philippines, and Indonesia.

Sea sheep not only feed on algae, they separate the green organelles inside a plant’s cells which convert sunlight into chemical energy into its own cells. What this means is that these leaf sheep slugs are photosynthetic animals. How astoundingly wicked cool is that? WAY!

Sea angels – don’t let the name fool you. They're predators who devour other swimming snails. You know, in the same way that Republicans eat their own as well as any other humans they deem prey. Sea angels, AKA Clionidae and Clione – the name looks suspiciouslly similar to Battlestar Galactica’s Cylons. Know what I’m saying? 

How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is clearly Ocean. 
~ Arthur C. Clarke 

If the ocean can calm itself, so can you. We are both saltwater mixed with air.
~ Chief Seattle 

A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt 

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. 
~ Jon Kabat-Zinn 

Funny Girls

It’s like this – my 50th high school class reunion is coming up this summer. I’m not attending – I’ve not gone to any reunions. Why start now? I am, however, curious about one person. 

Wendy was pretty, smart, popular, upbeat, and had cute sense of humor. We sat next to each other in orchestra (the flute section) for three years. Wendy and I were friendly but not friends – no reason beyond the fact that we socialized in vastly different circles. Hers being the football player/cheerleader/prom queen/popular kids parties circle. Mine was the home alone watching M*A*S*H and Mary Tyler Moore circle. 

So, after high school we didn’t keep in touch. Through the reunion booklets, which came out every five years, I read that she’d married some hot, up and coming comedian and was moving out to Los Angeles. Next reunion – no mention of the comedian or the marriage but now Wendy was working as a comic out in LA. WOW!

A couple things here:

One – I didn’t know Wendy had it in her! I mean, in high school she had a cute, safe, Hallmark greeting card kind of sense of humor. Who knew that, lurking below this sweet, safe, all-American-girl exterior was a woman who could get up in front of an audience and make people laugh out loud? AWESOME – talk about a post-high school bloom!

Two – Comedy is a HARD business, especially for women. Watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, but maybe more, I’m Dying Up Here, really brought that into crystal clear focus.

Comedian Alison Stevenson writes:

Women in comedy have to work 10 times harder to gain not only the respect of our audience, but our peers as well. We have to have way thicker skin, and put up with a lot more bullshit. Each and every one of us has to face the inevitable, unwanted sexual advances, as well as comments on our appearance – not to mention that so many people truly do believe that women are not funny. When we perform, we have to deal with knowing that our comedy is going to be considered “niche”, simply because it’s from our point of view. Men don’t have to fear that, because when they preach about their dicks, or rant about their relationships, or their family, it isn’t considered “male humor”. It is regarded simply as humor. (source) 

Wendy was out there trying to break into the stand-up big leagues 20 years after Joan Rivers started and not even a full 10 years after Elayne Boosler dared to defy the traditional female comedian self-dissing stylings (for which she was banned from The Tonight Show).

Despite frequently being hailed as the next big success, Boosler could not achieve the same feats as her male peers. She booked her first spot on The Tonight Show only when Helen Reddy guest-hosted in 1977. Later that year, she performed on the show when Johnny Carson was hosting, but she was assigned hacky, self-deprecating material she refused to use. Afterward, Carson reportedly told his comedy booker, “I don’t ever want to see that waitress on my show again.”  (source) 

WHAT a hamster-dicked asshole

Rivers was heavily self-deprecating and that’s the thing I remember most about her. It’s, ultimately, what turned me off too. I mean, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Jonathan Winters didn’t have to do that shit. Oh wait…that’s right…they had penises. Somehow that means you don’t have to make yourself smaller or lesser. You don’t need to make excuses for yourself, no matter how funny you may be. Not if you have a dick.

When Whoopi Goldberg came out doing stand-up, she was more of an actress doing character-driven longer bits. She was funny but hitting hard too. 

Gilda Radner and Lily Tomlin were also character-driven but much more in the Carol Burnett/situational comedy vein.

Early on, Bette Midler did stand-up. Actually, I guess it’d be more accurate to term them cabaret performances. She joked, told stories, and sang.

Who – what women – are doing arch, tart, insightful, observational stand-up now? Not Saturday Night Live sketch comedy but stand-up. I wanna know – I wanna see who’s out there now.

And whatever happened to Wendy? What kind of comedy did she do and is she still doing it? Frankly, I’d be muy surprised. Struggling through the comedy scene’s a young person’s game and we’re a few decades or so distant from that young shit.