Reading Matter

If you aren’t following Heather Cox Richardson’s Substack newsletters yet GET ON IT!!! They’re not long, she gets right to the heart of things, and she speaks plainly. For a Harvard educated prof who’s taught history at MIT, UMass Amherst, and now Boston College, I would’ve expected columns jam-packed with opaque, academic jargon, and absurdly complex sentence structure. Nope. You don’t need to have an Academese to English translator app to understand what she’s communicating.

In any case, her posts from Thursday and this morning just blew my socks clean off. Below are a couple snippets. Please go read the rest of the columns (links with snippets below). 

Also, I’ve just stumbled over a significantly fabola New Yorker piece What the War Has Done to Iranians by Cora Engelbrecht. A civilian in Tehran chronicles a country trapped between bombardment and repression. This piece brought into sharper focus that the average Iranian and the average non-rich, non-white, non-male US citizen have a great deal in common. We are both ruled, to varying degrees, by oppressive, ruthless, lying-ass regimes. At this point I can't put adequate words to the extreme sadness and rage I feel for the people of Iran. Some (many? most?) were hoping the invasion would free them, only to find that the whole operation is run by kill-happy, incompetent madmen who don't give a flying fuck about them and never did.

From Heather Cox Richardson’s Thursday morning post.

Back on February 23, Daniel Ruetenik, Pat Milton, and Cara Tabachnick of CBS News reported on a newly uncovered document in the Epstein files showing that beginning in December 2010 under the Obama administration, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) was running an investigation of Jeffrey Epstein and fourteen other people for drug trafficking, prostitution, and money laundering.

The document showed the investigation, called “Chain Reaction,” was still underway in 2015. But the investigation disappeared, although the document suggested that it was a significant investigation and that the government was on the verge of indictments.

As soon as the story broke, Senator Ron Wyden of Oregon, the top-ranking Democrat on the Senate Finance Committee, said: “It appears Epstein was involved in criminal activity that went way beyond pedophilia and sex trafficking, which makes it even more outrageous that [Attorney General] Pam Bondi is sitting on several million unreleased files.”

 How much you wanna bet Prez Pedo was deep into the mobster action with drugs, prostitution, and money laundering? OF FUCKING COURSE HE WAS!!!

And a section from this morning’s offering.

On Wednesday, Israeli forces hit Iranian facilities in the South Pars natural gas field in the Persian Gulf, shared by Iran and Qatar. Helen Regan and Ivana Kottasová of CNN explain that the South Pars gas field is part of the largest natural gas reserves in the world, supplying most of Iran’s domestic energy and crucial to Iran’s economy.

Targeting crucial oil infrastructure is a significant escalation in the war. Iran responded by hitting energy targets in Qatar and Saudi Arabia. As Summer Said, Rebecca Feng, and Alexander Ward of the Wall Street Journal wrote, these strikes put oil and gas facilities at the center of the war, worsening the crisis over the supply of energy around the world.

Trump’s social media account blamed Israel for the strike and said the U.S. hadn’t been informed about it ahead of time, but Barak Ravid of Axios reported that both Israeli officials and an official from the U.S. Defense Department said the strike was coordinated with and approved by the Trump administration. The Wall Street Journal reporters added that Trump approved the strike to put pressure on Iran to open the Strait of Hormuz.

EVERYTHING out of his mouth is a lie. NOTHING said by anyone in this administration can be trusted.

Things To Be Known

If I gotta know this stuff, well, so do you. Dammit.

• Snorkeling whale sharks are now a thing. Oh wait, I misread that. It’s snorkeling WITH whale sharks.

Whale sharks are the world’s largest fish, measuring up to 45 feet in length and adults weigh about 41,000 pounds…Whale sharks are the largest shark species, and ironically, are benign. They are considered harmless and are often referred to as “gentle giants.”
   ~~~
The whale shark is a filter-feeding carpet shark, meaning that it can neither bite nor chew. 
   ~~~
The whale shark is found in open waters of the tropical oceans and is rarely found in water below 70 degrees Fahrenheit.
   ~~~
It is believed that whale sharks may have a lifespan of 100 to 150 years. (source) 

• Fuck Face Fetterman is a nothing more than a bag of rotting turnips that’s been left out in the sun on a hot August day (actually, I’ve known this for quite some time). Also, I think he’s related to that quisling, Krysten Sinema in some way. I guess that’s obvious.

• You can herd sheep from/in a golf cart. This would certainly be useful if you’ve got wonky balance and need mobility aids to get around (like yurs truly). I want sheep...also llamas and alpacas.

• Canned whipped cream is called “squirty cream” in the UK. Sounds like something out of a ‘70s porn flick, doesn’t it?

• Dale Partridge was NOT a member of the Partridge Family. The “christian” nationalist pastor, who says women shouldn't be able to vote or hold any positions of power, does bear a distinct resemblance to little Tracy Partridge and MAYBE old Dale can even beat a mean tambourine but, no, he was never in the Partridge Family. 

Gosh, I don’t know how these rumors get started.

Also, I only mention it, he’s reason 500-infinity-zillion why there NEEDS to be mega strict separation between church and government.

• Nutmeg is a hallucinogenic. Granted, you need to take five grams of the stuff to get off and five grams of ground nutmeg goes a long ass way in a recipe. IF your recipe calls for that much (around 1-1.5 teaspoons) check to be sure that recipe makes at least 4–6 servings, or is a full 9-inch cake, unless you’re planning on taking a little trip.

Slofoodgroup notes that nutmeg can be used as a relaxation and sleep aid too:

Nutmeg is believed, by many, to help folks relax and experience a level of mental and physical calmness when consumed. Some Ayurveda practices recommend drinking warm milk with nutmeg before bed to fall asleep more easily and get a better night’s rest.

Cool, eh? 

• Hazelnuts are the official state nut of Oregon. Massachusetts doesn't have an official state nut. I feel deprived.

We have an officially designated state bird (chickadee), flower (mayflower), tree (American elm), song (Massachusetts by Arlo Guthrie), muffin (corn), bean (baked navy bean), and dinosaur (Podokesaurus – full name can be translated as "swift-footed lizard of Holyoke”) fer fuck’s sake, but NO official nut? 

WHY not?!

Sailing Shoes and Influencers

Okay, that’s “sale,” not “sail.” 

According to the encyclopedia Britannica’s site, an influencer is:

A person who exerts influence to guide the actions of others. The term is commonly applied to people who help generate interest in consumer products or experiences by posting about them on social media. Influencers command large followings on social media and are often paid by companies to use and describe their products and services, encouraging their legions of followers to buy them. 

Is this like being one of those game show models – like Carol Merrill, Holly Hallstrom and Janice Pennington standing in front of Fridgidaires, reclining on La-Z-Boys, and looking good next to Chevrolets? Or Vanna White turning over letters. Not exactly skilled labor but it pays the bills, eh. Sounds like influencers are in the same family but they have a patter, a pitch which requires a bit more effort.

Is there a career evolution chart somewhere? How does one get here?

Elementary school – get invited to ALL the best, most posh sleep-over parties. 
High school – become a cheerleader and prom queen. 
College – get into Alpha Phi, become homecoming queen and win beauty pageants. 
Next stop – Game show mannequin! Influencer!

What happens after you’re no longer pretty or young enough to be a mannequin? What if you're not eloquent enough to “influence?”

The most famous of the game show models from my kidhood was Carol Merrill. She spent 14 years showing off appliances for Monty Hall on Let's Make a Deal. From there she went on to be the manager and co-owner of a beachfront restaurant in Malibu before moving to Hawaii, with her third husband. Hawaii sounds nice.

Vanna White, according to Wikipedia, has had a more active entertainment career. It hasn’t been all graceful, gown-clad letter turning for her. She’s no Streep (who is?) but has done a little acting and was occasionally the actual host of Wheel of Fortune.

I dug a little deeper –turns out there’s a little more to being an influencer. While they’re given info to include in their promos, they produce/create pics, vids, blog posts, and social media updates. They’re content creating shills. Marketeers of sorts.

There are, apparently, levels of shill:
Mega-influencers – celebrities who aren’t creating content for you. They just bring the fame.
Macro-influencers – they’re famous but we’re not talking Kardashian or Dwayne Johnson famous. 
Mid-tier influencers – not famous offline but authentic, charismatic, and widely appealing. 
Micro-influencers – they’re popular in niche communities like fitness, parenting, gaming, and suchlike. 
Nano-influencers – they’re used for brands looking for local promotion. e.g., a local coffee shop chain opens up a new shop or offers a new line of fancy caffè e latte and wants to get the word out.

So, what these influencers look like to me are, not so much product mannequins with small speaking roles but, maybe, home shopping network couch sitters. Remember them? The perfectly quaffed and cosmeticized women perched on plaid or otherwise homely beige couches, telling us all about the can’t-live-without-‘em-wonders of the Ninja 4-quart air fryer and how it absolutely changed their lives. How about the bareMinerals Complexion Rescue Stick Foundation with buildable coverage that’s “just a dream for difficult skin?” Or Too Faced’s Better Than Sex Mascara??? And we can’t forget Beekman 1802 Happy Place 2 Goat Dusting & Polishing Mitts?

BUY, BUY, BUY!!!

We’re all buried in a ton of cheap crap that we totally DO NOT need. Shit that does NOT improve the quality of our lives or ease our daily pains. Fuck this shit and fuck these shills who glorify this obscene acquisitive culture. Go outside and look at some trees, the ocean (or river or lake if you have one handy), the sky. Check out some birdies.

Get outside. 

Dancing on the Titanic

Clown Trump called Gavin Newsom “the President of the United States” during a press conference and he did so more than once. He went on to say that people with learning disabilities shouldn’t be elected president. Considering Prez Pedo is severely dyslexic and practically illiterate, this is pretty damned hilarious. 

The bully always comes back to his tired, played out shtick. Projection. Your rabid insecurity is showing, old man. Did you just now realize you’re the laughingstock of the planet and feel the need to hit someone?

He also told reporters that he spoke to a former president who said “I wish I did what you did” about Iran. Sure, you pathetic disgrace to humanity and villains everywhere. Need another pudding cup? Get up and fucking get it yourself, you lazy, used, fluorescent colostomy bag.

All four living former presidents, by the by, have conveyed to the press that this never happened.

• An aide for George W. Bush says that “they haven’t been in touch."

• An aide to Bill Clinton says that whoever Trump was referring to was not Clinton.

• An Obama aide says “no recent conversations” have taken place between Barack Obama and Trump.

• A source familiar with the matter said the former president Trump was referring to was not Joe Biden. (source) 

Prez Pedo made it up just like Vance makes up stories if it’ll sell whatever steaming load of rhino shit he’s pushing.

You’re shocked, I know. Gosh, me too. 🙄

I’ve probably said this before but, here it is again…I believe that he initially does know that he’s fabricating a story, constructing a little con, when he comes up with this bullshit. After he delivers the lies though, he wholly, firmly, utterly believes what he’s said. He’s bought his own line of hokum like some sad, lost rube at prosperity gospel tent revival meeting. 

Is this dementia, barreling down on him like a freight train at top speed, or just his usual flim flam modus operandi? Either way, it seems pretty obvious that VP Many Names ain’t gonna step up and do the right, 25th Amendment thing. Why not? 

Amongst other reasons, Vance is invested in Anduril, a defense contractor profiting from the Iran War. He’s not out there, big and bold, cheerleading Pedo’s war but he’s making bank on it. He wants this war as much as Trump – he's just not proudly ballyhooing his greed.

The Veep with all the charm of an obnoxious, spoiled, bullying, and otherwise socially incompetent, snot-nosed 13-year-old doesn’t think we’ll notice that he’s every bit as on-the-take as his greasy, orange, child raping boss. He's just somewhat quieter about it.

In my less than humble opinion, the best way to end all this crap would be to arrest and imprison Trump, Vance, and the entire cabinet for treason and high crimes. They’re all light years beyond guilty to one degree or another. Pedo may no longer be competent to stand trial but that doesn’t mean he should avoid consequences. Fuck no! There's certainly abundant evidence  to convict and I'm certain more than a few of his fellow crimers would turn on him to save themselves. All his co-conspirators are definitely well enough to go through a long, nasty trial where all their sins against democracy are exposed. 

Is this gonna happen? I'll be ecstatic if it does. I’ll be thrilled if we have Nuremberg type trials (sooner rather than later). I do NOT want a repeat of Ford’s "full, free, and absolute pardon" of Tricky Dick. DUH!

I only mention it but it’s just come out that the retired three-star general and former commander of the French Foreign Legion, Michel Yakovleff, remarked that “Joining Trump’s coalition today is like buying a ticket to dinner and dancing on the Titanic the evening after it hit the iceberg." 

Yes, yezzzzz, rather. Well said.

Distractovision

Jen, Oni, Kevin, and I are on the last season of Mrs. Maisel and, I’m tellin’ you, I’m dreading the end.

I decided to do some advance research. What shows are out there that would appeal to the four of us? They don’t need to be full blown comedies but a healthy dose of wit is important. The shows must take us away from current traumas. So, The West Wing and Veep are right out, no matter how good they might be. Distraction is imperative. (Also too, now that teevee costs money, we can’t just turn on the set and *boom* watch interesting shows for free like when I was a kid – yes, I’m old. The programs must be available on the platforms Jen and Oni subscribe to.)

Ideally we’d like science fiction but we’ve already watched most of the good, fun, big series and franchises. 

Battlestar Galactica (the 2003 version), The Mandalorian (I couldn’t get into a lot of the other Star Wars teevee offerings. Dunno why. Just not my bag I guess), Alien Earth , Dollhouse, Eureka, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, WandaVision, Misfits, Murderbot, Firefly, Warehouse 13, and of course...
Star Trek:
     Discovery ✔️
     Strange New Worlds ✔️
     Voyager  ✔️
     Picard ✔️
     Next Generation ✔️
     Deep Space Nine ✔️

I know Star Trek Academy is out right now. We’ve watched a couple episodes and, honestly, it’s not grabbing me at all.

I don’t know if it’s because the cast is primarily VERY young (teenagers) and I’m so VERY not young so I’m NOT the target audience. Or maybe I just can’t get past the fact that they replaced Chief Engineer Peli, a thousands of human years old Lanthanite, previously played by the seriously awesome Carol Kane, with a younger, much less naturally charming and eccentric actress. She also lacks Kanes’ dry, surreal, easy carriage. Kane, no matter what she says or does, feels organic. The replacement, on the other hand, is on the clock and really, truly giving it her best damn shot. You can see that she's working hard – she's sweating. It’s distracting.

So, I can watch the show but I’m not psyched about it.

 We’ve taken in a couple episodes of the interesting Why Women Kill.

A darkly comedic drama detailing the lives of three women living in three different decades: a housewife in the 60s, a socialite in the 80s, and a lawyer in 2019, each dealing with infidelity in their marriages. (source) 

So far it’s clear that infidelity is just one reason for each of the marital unions' endings. It’s reductive and simplistic to say that’s the only reason. The humor is subtle and the show's engaging.

Minx is fun. The main character is a bit of caricature of an earnest, young, early ‘70s feminist though. At least at first. She’s just graduated from Vassar and, in her ultra serious, inexperienced, biz world neophyte way is, bumblingly, trying to start a feminist publication a la Ms.magazine. She falls in with a savvy, bighearted men’s porn-mag publisher and they work together to produce the first erotic magazine for women (with a feminist bend). Hilarity, warmth, and personal evolution for all ensues.

And we just watched our first I’m Dying Up Here episode, which we all loved. This is the most serious of the three new-to-us shows despite it being about standup comics. It’s set in the LA stand-up scene of the early ‘70s. A group of young comedians try to become successful at Goldie's comedy club and potentially snag a star-making spot on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show.

It has a documentary-ish feel to it. Reminds me a little of John Sayles’ Return of the Secaucus Seven – an old favorite of mine. I look forward to seeing more of this.

Anyway, I’ll definitely miss Maisel but I think we’re all set in Distraction Land…for now.

Complete Idiot of the Day

Newt I-can’t-believe-he’s-not-dead-yet Gingrich really, truly, in all seriousness said this: 

"Instead of fighting over a 21-mile-wide bottleneck forever, we cut a new channel through friendly territory. A dozen thermonuclear detonations and you’ve got a waterway wider than the Panama Canal, deeper than the Suez, and safe from Iranian attacks."

Gee, golly, I'm sure the United Arab Emirates and Oman won't mind a bit – right? 

I just have to ask – is every single Republican on the planet a complete flaming, insane asylum bound, ninnyhammer? Did he say this mind bogglingly stupid and delulu shit for attention or is just this far out of his fucking mind?

Yes, yezzz, I do offer my sincere apologies to those ninnyhammer and delulu Americans out there who did NOT vote for the ugly, rotting pumpkin head and his party of moldy turnips. No offense intended. I didn't mean to imply that you're Republicans. //shudder//

Best quote on Iran war? When you kick a hornets’ nest it’s the hornets who decide when it’s over.

I’ve seen 2 posts this week saying “the raptor is coming.” Did the respective posters mean to write:

•  “Rapture,” i.e. Jesus’ much ballyhooed arrival to snatch up all the good Christians, is back on the calendar (again)? Sorry MAGAts, there’s no ticket to Heaven for you. Please do enjoy your burning-in-Hell-forever time though.

•  Were they saying that we’re soon to be visited by velociraptors? That could be interesting. 

•  Maybe they were referencing birds of prey? Like, maybe massive king vultures are gonna fly in to feast on our irradiated carcasses after Prez Pedo kicks off WWIII. 
Picture it – after the genius Republicans, inspired by that obviously dementia ridden, none-too-bright-to-begin-with, Reagan leftover, drop a dozen thermonuclear bombs in their destined-to-fail attempt to create a Strait of Hormuz workaround, the planet will be flooded with radioactive fallout. That entire area of the Middle East will be nothing but a radioactive sheet of glass.

Everything – all sea life will be dead. Land animals and people who haven’t died yet, will probably wish they had. They’ll be  crawling and hobbling on their remaining limbs to possible sources of water, food, and shelter. Vultures are circling. They gotta eat too, ya know.

Possibly it’s some combination of the three – rapture/velociraptor/raptor. Hard to tell. I really wish people would put a bit more effort into proofreading their posts before hitting “publish. 

By the way, the Raptor or Rapture is on the 22nd in case you want to prepare. Dunno how we’d get ready but I’d imagine it’d be the same no matter what.

•  Stock up on extra toilet paper, snacks, water, cat food, and meds.
•  Break out all the board games, knitting and other crafting supplies (figuring Wi-Fi’s gonna die).
•  Make sure all the laundry’s done.
•  Start a hydroponic garden in the basement. I should probably do that now.

AND here's ome news from Pedo and Bibi’s Operation Epstein Fury for your Monday morning:

The Israeli army said it had begun what it described as “limited ground operations” against Hezbollah in southern Lebanon – but IDF attacks in Lebanon have killed many civilians and have hit residential neighbourhoods.
~~~
The Lebanese health ministry said 850 people have been killed in Israeli attacks since 2 March, when Israel started striking Lebanon following Hezbollah’s firing of rockets towards the country. (source) 

The rational put out for this war was something about Iran being just about to attack Israel and/or the U.S. or some other made up bullshit. The real reasoning is more along the lines of Trump and Netanyahu not being able to get stiffies anymore in addition to needing distractions from their other, respective, myriad crimes. Thousands of dead innocents mean nothing to these rich fucks.

Looks like Italy, Greece, the U.K., Australia, Germany, Luxembourg, France, China, Japan, and South Korea, amongst others, have either said a big fat NO, we ain’t sending no warships to the Strait of Hormuz in support of your illegal war OR they’ve just, so far, ghosted the orange motherfucker. 

Must suck to be so astronomically stupid, deservedly unpopular, irredeemably ugly, AND a worldwide laughingstock. Somehow I’m experiencing a complete lack of empathy. I strangly suspect, in this particular case, that’s permanent.

Beware the Ides of March

The Death of Julius Caesar, Vincenzo Camuccini

‘da fuck are “Ides?”

The term Ides derives from the Latin word iduare (Latin: “to divide”), with the full moon serving as the division point in the middle of each month. In the ancient Roman calendar, months were divided according to the lunar cycle into three groups of days. The Ides corresponded with the rise of the full moon in the middle of the month, the Kalends corresponded with the new moon at the beginning of the month, and the Nones fell on the quarter moon phases in between. (source) 

WAY back in 44 BCE, Julius Caesar, the Roman dictator, was assassinated by 60 or so co-conspirators on this day – March 15th. Dude had some serious haters. Folks, supposedly trying to save Rome from being a monarchy/autocracy, ganged up and stabbed the shit out of him.

Why’s this come to mind today? Gee…dunno. Waddya think? Bet we could find 60+ co-conspirators with sharp knives pretty quick if we tried though.

I only mention it but, while Caesar was certainly a conquest happy dictator, he did some good stuff too. He gave property to retiring soldiers, redistributed land to the poor, granted citizenship to people living in Roman territories, canceled debts, expanded the Senate to make it more representative, and reformed the tax system to make it more efficient and fair. So, for a dictator, he had some decent things going for him.

The same can’t be said for current era war-making, orange dicktator wannabes.

Speaking of serial warmongerers, did you know? The U.S. Mint is no longer printing dimes with an olive branch on them. NB, the eagle, based on the Great Seal of the United States is still clutching the arrows in its left talon but its right, which should be holding the olive branch, is now empty.

For a nation whose founding symbols were carefully engineered around the balance of peace and war, that omission is hard to read as accidental.
~~~ 
What does the olive branch mean?

When the Great Seal of the United States was finalized in 1782, it contained what the Founding Father’s held as the country’s most esteemed values. The eagle holds 13 arrows in its left talon and an olive branch in its right, its head turned toward the branch—the side which the eagle preferred to err on. (source) 

New dime – arrows, empty slogan, and
conspicuously missing olive branch

I guess Prez Pedo deemed the dime “woke” and, as we know, peace, love, and understanding just doesn’t fly with the all-war-all-the-time Guardians Of Pedophiles administration.

Current dime

The dime’s redesign is for the 250th birthday of the U.S. The quarter is also getting a makeover. Three of the five designs recommended by the Citizens Coinage Advisory Committee were ixnayed by that flaming load of pompous, condescending, rich white trash, who’s so far up Pedo’s ass he’ll never see daylight again – Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent.

Why did he trash these particular designs? They were about the abolition of slavery, women's suffrage, and the civil rights movement. Bullshit Bessent approved designs about pilgrims and the Revolutionary War instead. Yup, nice and safe. Won’t upset any delicate, Republican, white people feelings. Good job, you fucking suck up.

Jesus Rabbit Hole Christ

Someone on Threads last night asked if Jesus’ last name was actually “Christ” or is that just, like, his job title? 

The comments were informative but mostly hilarious. Here are a small selection of them:  

He was a carpenter, Christ was his side hustle
~~~ 
Middle name Christ, last name Onacracker.
~~~
I think it must be his last name because lately I've been hearing a lot about his Auntie Christ.
~~~
Yeshua HaMashiach is one attributed to him. Translates to Yeshua the messiah.

Yehoshua Ben David would have possibly been his full name since it would include his reference to being from the house of David.

Christ is Greek and means anointed.

If Jesus’ name had been anglicanized like Paul, Peter, Mark, etc. it would be Josh.

So, oily Josh from David.
~~~ 
Jesus’ last name was Feldman. Full name and title: Jesus H. Feldman, Christ.
~~~
Jesus was his first name, the Christ bit started as a nickname when he hit his thumb with a hammer while doing some carpentry. His loud shout of ‘Christ! I’ve proper fucked me thumb this time lads’ led to his carpenter pals all calling him Jesus Christ-I’ve-knacked-me-thumb, later shortened to Jesus Christ. 

True story. It’s in the bible.
~~~ 
My Dad always screamed at my Mom, “Jesus Christ Alice!” I grew up thinking she was part of the trinity. The Father, the Son, and my Mom in the kitchen.
~~~
I thought his last name was Superstar.
~~~ 
He went by Jesus of Nazareth after he was supposedly knighted, but some people think he was just a squire who never was knighted and he just wanted to fight in tourneys.

I might be mixing up my nonsense, it's late.
~~~
His adoptive parents were Jose and Maria Christ. I think his birth name was Ramirez. Jesus Ramirez. Immigrated from Spain which is why they wouldn't let him stay at the inn, made them sleep in the barn, and then chased them out of the country. 

At least it's a more believable story than that virgin birth bullshit.
~~~ 
His last name was originally “Christstein” but he shortened it because it sounded too ethnic.
~~~
I thought his last name was “of Nazareth.” He changed it to Christ when he married God or something.

~~~ 
All I know is, his middle name starts with an H and he drove a blue Accord. Only one though. The rest of his rides were ancient, beat to shit VW bugs.
~~~ 
If there's any confusion on his last name and Pedo’s SAVE Act passes, it seems Jesus will have to jump through a bazillion and three hoops in order to vote in the next election.
~~~ 
Last name is Christ. He had a brother named Samuel – Sam Fucking Christ.
~~~ 
His full, government name was Jesus Tap Dancing Christ. 

Wine will do that to people.

One last Threads comment really struck me:

An adult asked me what Judas' last name was when I was a kid. I answered “Priest"

Why did that hit me? Because Judas Iscariot was the only New Testament character, that I know of, who had a last name. 

The naming conventions of the time and place were: 
Who’s your Daddy: Your name + father's name, e.g: Donna of Chuck or Jen of Jack
Where you from: Your name + your home town. e.g: Donna from Boston, Jen from Scituate

So, old Judas didn’t really have a last name, as we think of them today. According to Bart Ehrman on his blog about the history and literature of early christianity:

… Iscariot, most likely, comes from the Hebrew words “ish-Kerioth”– which might mean something like “a man” (= ish) who comes from the village of Kerioth. If this view is correct,– then the question remains: where was Kerioth?  The book of Joshua in the Hebrew Bible mentions a town of this name in the southern part of Israel, the region later known as Judea (Josh. 15:25); and perhaps that’s what the name signifies, that Judas was a Judean.  If so, that would make him the only “southerner” among Jesus’ followers. (source) 

Ehrman lists a few other possible roots for Judas' name. I feel a rabbit hole coming on.  Gotta explore.