Perception on the Half Shell

So, there’s how I imagine myself, how I think I come off, and then there's how everyone else sees and experiences me. Sometimes these two are a few zillion miles apart. AND any two people might have completely different impression of me.

I’m clearly, to me anyway, an extra special combo of somber/flip, creative/unimaginative, fun/a total downer, extrovert/introvert, intelligent as all get out/dim as fuck, warm and giving/cold and cruel, a tower of strength/a total weak sister.

Just like old Walt, I am large, I contain multitudes.

Can any of us know how we come off to others? It’s not like we can go all Invisible Woman, slip back into an interview we’ve just exited or a party where we’ve just met a bunch of new folk and hear everyone’s critique or postmortem.

I can attempt to parse people’s response to me — did they laugh at my witticisms? seem impressed by my resume and how I spoke? were they dismissive or interested? smiles — was anybody smiling? meeting my eyes? anybody look horrified? — and then put two and two together.

From a Psych Today column:

People who have learned to regulate their emotions are in a much better position to know what others think of them, says Carroll Izard, professor of psychology at the University of Delaware: "They are able to detect emotions on others' faces and to feel empathy."
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"metaperceptions"—the ideas we have about others' ideas about us.

I know that I have a fluorescent-y personality. I attempt to tone it down depending on my environment. Fer instance — at my sweetie grand's first Holy Communion, I totes refrained from diatribes on the vileness of most organized religions. I even kept my language clean and, fuck me, that was hard! In contrast, when I interviewed for a gig, my first post deafening job hunt, I keyed myself way up. I was so damned nervous that I went into Neon Donna Overdrive.

 Shockingly, I got the job.

This metaperception dealie — it gets back to our self-concept — who we think we are, what we know of ourselves along with our past experiences with others.

Yesterday I spoke of Cheri who saw herself as the strong, supportive, warm, kick ass yet laid back, fun, secure mistress of her own domain. Maybe she did come off like that to some but not with anyone I knew — not by a long stretch. Her self-concept seemed to have been born of wishes — who she yearned to be. I suppose we're all like that to some extent. Fer instance— I want to be perceived as a rockin’ combo of Sophia Loren, Marie Curie, Frida Kahlo and Dorothy Parker. HAH...yeah, that’ll happen.

Everyone we meet sees us through the filters of their own life experiences and personal quirks. Sadly, though there can be a baseline impression of sorts, I don't think anyone perceives me as the Sophia or Dorothy that I just TOTALLY am! 

While it's important to know how we come off, it doesn't pay to obsess, to over-analyze every damned exchange and meeting. Madness sits square in the middle of that road. Oh, yes it does.

Kevin, (RIP and shit *sigh*) always said that I was the sort you either love or just stone can't abide. I hate it when folks don't cotton to me but, well, *hmmph* no accounting for taste I suppose.