What Julie Forced Me To Buy

My chum Rick's wife Julie is a dangerous woman.

How so? We were passing a Brattleboro art/craft gallery that I positively adore despite an odd experience with the owner when Julie stopped in her tracks, transfixed by a beautiful, complex strand of beads sitting in the window.

"This necklace is YOU, Donna," she says.

I don't often wear 'em but it was stunning. We were headed into the joint anyway so, would it really hurt to give the dazzling string of colorful bijoux a closer look?

Um...yes. I was able resist the siren song of the necklace BUT not the bracelet's call.

These are made by Mayan women in Guatemala, each is one of a kind and breathtaking. Resistance was futile.

Did Julie stop there with her drawing me into opening-my-purse ways? Nope.

We ALMOST passed a book shop -- truthfully, I need NO encouragement to enter a livre emporium. None. I swear, I can't walk by the store's doors without being sucked in as though some powerful tractor beam  has a lock on me. Can't blame Julie for that part.

What I can fault her for is showing me this book: Super Smutty Sign Language by Kristin Hensen.

Wanna know how to sign "Go fuck yourself," "Bitch, please," "Dumb Ass," or the ever popular phrase "Don't eat the dead lesbians -- they're forbidden?" THIS is your book! A lot of the phrases are completely over my past middle aged warped mind. I'm just not all hip, with it and down with what the cool kids are swearing about these days.

Ah well. I can study up now.

So then, what did I learn on my walk about town with Rick and Julie? She's a terrible influence on me. Yes, poor, sweet, painfully frugal and ALWAYS grown up and mature me has been led down a profligate, bawdy path.

Must remember to send a thank you note.