Ridin' That Train

I dreamed The Amazing Bob and I were working in some old drafty, beat to shit, medieval type castle. We’d just met and I was beyond smitten. Every excuse possible was made to visit or even just walk past his area. Hey, just like in real life! The evil king, (there's always an evil king, don'cha know) was keeping us apart though. Goddamn, motherfucking, turd sucking, vile, diseased rat-marrying evil king!

Other dream details have been lost in the fuzz of wakey-wakey-ness. That’s cool – didn’t seem like one with a “and they lived happily ever after” ending.

Here in Consciousnessville I continue to ride that train – the grief train. I’ve been on this sucker 422 days and some change now. July 4, 2016 was the day the center of my universe, The Amazing Bob, stepped out for his final smoke.

One year, one month and 26 days have passed and I have the very occasional good day now. That’s a day where the memories drifting through my bean are all happy – us sneaking kisses, having our slapstick-ish adventures, giggling through the grocery, watching old eps of the Mary Tyler Moore Show together and just being serene and contentedly together.

Endless illin’ days and horror show hospital flashbacks take a mini holiday. That’s a good day.

Surprising, to me anyway, is that I’ve been functioning at all over this past year. That is, I don’t spend my days in a blurry, kaput haze of wine, cake and escapist naps. I work, pay my bills, paint, hit the gym, go to the occasional protest, read, I make the bed every single damn day and even clean the house. I’m not as social though. My energy levels are much lower than in beautiful TAB days BUT I’m up and running (OK, slug-walking). I'm reasonably operational.

So many have said “the first year’s the hardest.”  OK but the pain of loss didn’t magically end on July 4rth at 6:16 PM. I’m afraid friends and acquaintances will think I’m wallowing, that, unlike Billy Pilgrim, I’m stuck in time. No but I’m moving slower – think tired summer breeze versus whirlwind.

Today and for the next couple, the house will be packed. Helen and the girls, along with a friend and her three kiddles, are coming for a visit. That and Jen and Oni will be home from their visit to Aunt Paula in South Carolina. Contact is good.

Time to go stock up on cupcakes, crudités, fruit and more of it and, of course, Prosecco. I may not be in party animal mode but I can at least lay out a spread.