Solitude

I dreamed I was in Moscow – a place I’ve never been, asleep or awake. I was supposed to meet with an artist of some sort – talk him into coming to the U.S. to work with some group or another. Unclear. Here’s the deal, it was a winter night, bloody cold and I didn’t have a map or a cellphone.

I was to bring this dude dinner, over which we'd talk turkey. All I had, and somehow this seemed just the thing, was a pot of boiled water in which a single carrot and radish floated. Yum City, eh?

While I wandered the snowy streets, horribly offcourse as uszh, I realized that I forgot to pack that pathetic soup AND I wasn’t wearing a coat OR shoes. Due to my cell-less state, I had no way to contact anyone for an assist but It's not like I knew a single soul in Russia anyway.

I was lost, vulnerable and completely on my own.

Neil Diamond’s Solitary Man comes to mind.
                                                 I'll be what I am
                                                 A solitary man
                                                 Solitary man

What prompted this vivid little nightmare?
I suspect Jen and Oni being away on vaca (they’re back now) is the root. This is the first time, since My Amazing Bob’s heartsplintering exit, that they’ve gone on holiday and not arranged for sitters to come in. Ya know, people to keep me company so’s I’m not alone with my monstro grief.

Helen and the girls were down for a few days which was excellent! Still there were more than a few days where it was just me and my princess, Coco.

This should be no big AT ALL, right? Before TAB and I started shacking up, I lived alone and really liked it. Plus, I’ve done a shitload of solo travel and enjoyed the fuck outta it.

True enough but that was decades ago.

I could’ve made plans with Joe or Hillel. I could’ve asked Felicity, Paula or Wendy if they’d be around. I could’ve invited neighbor Tina over for a drink. I could’ve texted back and forth with Jen and Oni – ya know, been on virtual vaca with them. Why didn’t I? I wanted to see how I’d fair on my own. I wanted to give myself a shot at enjoying my solitude – just like old times.

Now then, I grok myself well enough to know that I like being around people, even if all I’m doing is playing voyeur/people watching. So, on one morning, I took myself to breakfast and then hit Nantasket for a long walk. On another day, I went out to lunch and ran a few errands. I went to the gym every day. Yup – people. They’re sure out there.

When I came home, it was just me and Coco. How’d I do? Fine thanks though I missed the beautiful comfort of just quietly being – contentedly existing together on the same plain. I'd make a lousy rock. I'm no island.
Ella Fitzgerald - Solitude