They're NOT magic words

Saying “calm down” or “just relax” doesn’t work when a person’s agitated – not me anyway. I KNOW I’ve got to chill out in order to handle whatever I’m up against in an intelligent manner. Encouraging or chiding me to calm down or “get over” myself doesn’t help. In fact, that last bit is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

“Get over yourself?” How is that in any way helpful and what the fuck are you even trying to communicate?

1. Is this person’s POV that I’ve no justification for my frustrations and/or anger? Come walk a block in my flip-flops, mon ami. I’ll show you.
2. Or is it that my emotionalism is making this person uncomfortable?  I only mention it but we, of the human persuasion, tend to have these annoyingly pesky things called emotions. Ya know, like love, happiness, serenity AND hate, despair, agitata to name but a few. We’re kinda wired for this shit so deal. K?
3. Is my level of agitata genuinely worrisome for the speaker? No need to be concerned – I’m 60 – been having emotions for quite a few eons now. I’m a pro emotionalizer.

I only mention it BUT, much as I’ve always wished, I’m pretty damn far away from Mr. Spock’s cool, composed, sedate and logical ways of dealing with major adversity. I do OK though. I’ll never be confused with a Sam Kinison or The Shining’s Jack Torrance or Network’s Howard Beale ...OK, mebbe once or twice.

 What’s an effective way to spark chilldom in yurs truly (and maybe other folks as well)?

Tell me to take deep breathes.  Simple, slow breathe in, breathe out on counts of four – after 10 reps I’m generally less frenzied. If I’m experiencing major turbulence, let’s go with the 4-7-8 technique. This shit WORKS and it’s discrete so’s it can be done while on the job.

And if it don’t work? The beach at dawn works a monstro treat. Feeling the rhythm of the waves as they hit the shore, watching the colors in the sky shift, digging in the sand, watching the seagulls play, walking in the cool surf – works every damn time.

Can’t get to the beach? How 'bout a hike in the woods?

Talk with a friend who’s a good listener – one who doesn’t explain to you what you SHOULD be feeling, who doesn’t interrupt but helps you focus. Don’t have a chum like that? Get a sheet of paper and a pen (or open a text doc) and pour out your unedited soul. Remember, this doesn’t need to be read by anyone but you.

Not sure what your hyper emotional friend might need in order to find the sea of tranquility? Ask them! If they’re not sure (or have only self-destructive ideas) launch a round of deep breathing. Mebbe go sit under a few tall trees too.

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, that is, the capacity to place oneself in another's position. (source)

Empathy – wonderful and not entirely common.