Toxic

Though I know I’m getting better—I can see and appreciate my progress—I still have teary moments. WHY do I feel like crying? The ongoing struggle to walk again is bloody hard and sometimes I’m really sick of it all. There are days when the pain, while not screamingly intense, is just too fucking much. There are times when the emotional strength to keep pushing feels impossible.

It’s easier in these COVID years to keep to myself when I’m feeling low. Why would I avoid family and friends when I'm down? I want to spare them my down-in-the-pits mood AND I want to avoid the well meaning yet toxically positive folk.

What does it mean to be toxically positive?

Toxic positivity is a critical term for the practice of promoting or attempting to maintain a positive mindset or attitude regardless of what circumstances and emotions are being experienced.

The term is typically used to discuss the negative mental health effects of being pressured or expected to maintain positivity or happiness at all times, especially when negative emotions are natural and appropriate. (source)

I’m ducking the folks who will enjoin me to:

• just stay positive (gosh, I hadn't thought of that!)
• look on the bright side (shut up before you humiliate yourself further)
  

Or (perhaps unintentionally) shame me because:

• it could be worse (yeah, no shit, pal)
  
• at least you’re still alive (gee, how utterly UNempathetic of you)
  

Or proselytize with:

• everything happens for a reason (fuck you)
  
• happiness is a choice (double plus fuck you)
  

These are just some of the radically UNhelpful things that well intentioned (possibly well intentioned) yet clueless friends/family/acquaintances say in a ham-handed effort to be supportive. OR maybe they spout such tripe because harsh reality makes them deeply uncomfortable—they just want to drop a cheap platitude and run. Perhaps they’ve made the mistake of assuming they’re required to respond to me owning my less than cheery mood but they aren’t bright enough to grasp the emptiness of their cold, dim banalities. I understand.

If you ask me how I’m doing and I say ‘shitty’ or words to that effect, please don’t feel you’re under mandate to cheer me up, fix things or counsel me. Saying ‘gosh, I’m sorry’ and/or ‘I hope you feel better soon,’ are perfectly acceptable, caring responses.

Telling me to choose happiness or look on the bright side or chiding me by saying that others have it worse is some seriously banjax-brained, bloodless and/or socially broken bullshit. Having a good cry or a day where I give myself a break from being an upbeat Nf2 Warrior Queen is good. The occasional day spent in bed with Cake and a ripping yarn gets me back up on the rehab train. An empty, though well meant, cliché doesn’t do dick.

From Harvard Medical School Health Blog:

…tears (which flush stress hormones and other toxins out of our system),…potentially offers the most health benefits. Researchers have established that crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids, also known as endorphins. These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical and emotional pain.

Nota bene: I usually am up-fucking-beat. In fact, I’ve a friend who feels I’m WAY too optimistic—naive even. Even so, I’m gonna have my despair days. I firmly believe that even Boudicca and Ellen Ripley had good cries from time to time.