What's for Breakfast?

In grossly tragic news, I find that I’m approaching my expiration date entirely due to a severe dark chocolate deficiency. You may be thinking but Donna, it’s quite early in the day yet. How can you be craving (nay, NEEDING) bonbons at this hour?

My answer? It’s not just me, ya know. I mean, Cocoa Pebbles, Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Crispies anyone? These are breakfast cereals marketed to young ones. I’ve realized that I've been groomed for this desperate yearning by Big Cereal, Big Candy but especially Big Advertising.

An aside: WHY isn't Pebbles featured on her cereal namesake's box? Fred and Barney have been deemed better brand ambassadors than a cute as hell baby girl? Who do they think buys this sugar bomb, nutritionally negligible crap? Somehow, I'm unable to envision grizzled long haul truckers and catcalling construction workers grabbing this in the cereal aisle. The marketeers didn't have their real target audience in mind when they came up with this concept.

I only mention it but replacing the word Cocoa on the label with Chemical would be a more accurate description of the taste AND a lot closer to truth in advertising (but we can’t have that). Having said this, if we had any of that shit in the house, I’d SO have a bowl RIGHT NOW. I would also regret my impetuous, health compromising indulgence the second after the last spoonful left my mouth.

What would completely satisfy this soul deep desire, this heinous hankering? I’ll tell you—Ghirardelli dark chocolate coconut bon bons, Valrhona dark chocolate Earl Grey truffles and some Taza dark chocolate dipped shortbread. A breakfast which has a little of each (a coconut—FRUIT!— bon bon, an Earl Grey—TEA!— truffle and a wee slice of shortbread—(that’s kind of like granola, right?) would be healthy as fuck and just what I, like totally, need right now. Oh wait, I need protein at brekkie too. I’ll add some Ghirardelli peanut butter truffles to my plate. NOW I’m all set—breakfast of champions and shit.

Back to reality though, I’m fixin’ to die from this damn dearth of dark chocolate. My death will be mondo tragic. The government will declare a three day weekend to memorialize me and my stone dedication to safe, environmentally conscious chocolate consumption. Four packs of cream filled, dark chocolate boob shaped bon bons will be sold at every CVS and Stop & Shop during the month before my special weekend. (half off if you wait to buy until the Tuesday after)

It’ll be awesome.