Things to Know

Most dangerous natural predators of America
Generally, Other humans. 

Specifically:

• American gun owners.

• Men who’ve never accepted the reality that women are humans deserving equal rights.

• Religious people who proselytize (walk it, don’t talk it).

• Grifters and sales-weasels (I know, same/same).

• Women who’ve married for money and/or prestige and have forgotten that they are still thought of as second class citizens with fewer rights than a zygote. Broadly, the rich don’t consider the poor fully human (especially when we’re Black, brown or disabled women). 

•  “Boy Moms” and their invariably entitled, spoiled, precious, future-abusers-of-America sons.

• The performatively well meaning. They may actually have the best intentions but the follow through is either pathetic or nonexistent.

• The willfully ignorant (easy to spot in their red MAGA caps).

Random Advice Found Online

• If you find a strange creepy book with a cover made of human skin, do NOT read the Latin text out loud. IF you do, you’ll invariably summon a monster (his name’s Clyde—all summoned baddies are named Clyde. The lack of their own personal, individual name is why they got into the monster biz). Clyde will kill you slowly and excruciatingly painfully in order to appease the ancient gods. The gods have given Clyde a choice—dispose of you in some ultra nasty manner OR destroy the earth. Hard decision, ya know? Ultimately, offing one measly human involves less clean up so….just don’t read from the skeevy human skin cover book. K?

• Make your writing more professional and smooth by avoiding the use of the words “got” and “get.” Try acquire(d), gather(ed) or obtain(ed) instead. Got it?

• A hot bath or shower is an excellent way to soothe your mind and body.

• If you decide to rob a bank, you’ll have no trouble with making the rent and other bills for the next ten years. This works whether your heist succeeds or not.

• Don't suppress your farts. When you do, the gas travels up your spine and into your brain. This is how shitty ideas are born.  

• Don't ingest the mysterious black goop from that ancient Egyptian tomb you’re unearthing. Just stop yourself—even if it smells like hot chocolate with a shot of Baileys.

•  DON'T give excuses unless they’re asked for. e.g.:
  

"Sorry I'm a tad late."
"I'm not gonna be able to make the party. Thanks for thinking of me though.”
"I won’t be able to finish the assignment by Tuesday. Can I have an extension?

• Learn how to say no kindly and diplomatically.

• Learn how to make basic cocktails—Martinis, Cosmopolitans, White Russians, Gimlets and Aviations*. Learn how to make nonalcoholic versions (if they exist). Otherwise, try one of these.

* Aviation
2 ounces gin
1/2 ounce maraschino liqueur
1/4 ounce creme de violette
3/4 ounce lemon juice, freshly squeezed

Garnish: brandied cherry


Combine all ingredients in a shaker with ice—shake until chilled. Strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a cherry.