Portlandia

Riddle me this mes ami, Portland, Oregon, according to our very stable genius of a pedophilic president, is somehow “war ravaged” by nonexistent attacking, invading forces and/or peaceful protestors. Portland is “under siege from attack by Antifa and other domestic terrorists.” Oh rilly? War ravaged, you say? When did this happen? 

He says the city needs to be protected. 

Mind you, there have been 17 homicides in Portland so far this year. Meanwhile, similarly sized towns like Oklahoma City had 78 murders in 2024 and Memphis, Tennessee has had close to 150 murders so far this year.  

Why hasn’t Prez Pedo sent troops into these cities? I’m guessing they’re not sanctuary cities (and they’re not) like Portland. Why else? Portland is known for being liberal and progressive, also weird. The city’s unofficial slogan is Keep Portland Weird.  While it’s ridiculously obvious that Trump is light years beyond weird (and NOT in a good, fun way), he despises all of us who are different in ways he can’t understand, appreciate, accept or tolerate.

We can be assured of one thing – the maniacal orange oaf is gonna make a giant mess, just as he did the last time he sent troops into Portland. He can’t help it – fucking up is hardwired into his system. 

Just as his hero, Hitler, was a failed painter, Donnie’s a failed thespian. Like Los Angeles, D.C. and his threats to Chicago, Portland is simply political theater. Too bad he didn’t have his father buy him a ticket into Hollywood (or, at least, some Long Island dinner theater troupe) instead of real estate. With Dumpy's girth, he could've been the king at Ren Faires. Trump could’ve played dimwitted evil liege lord characters like King Magnifico from Disney’s Wish or maybe a more bumbling version of Skeletor…ya know, if there were stage versions of these cartoons. Now that I think on it, yes, Trump would make an entirely believable villainous, greedheaded, generically computer animated nimrodian baddie.

So, what are the besieged residents of Portland doing whilst being all war-ravaged and shit? Possibly picking up a some java at Stumptown Coffee Roasters after a hot yoga session? Maybe stopping in at Powell’s to pick up the latest Old Man’s War installment, The Shattering Peace? Having a lovely meander through the Lan Su Chinese Garden after breakfast at Little Griddle?

I’m just hoping Portlandians ignore the troops and the soldiers are then, like the ones in D.C. tasked with trash pickup, raking the parks, and otherwise standing around being useless.