ET

Earlier this week I had a Zoom appointment with my neurologist – the one who deals with my stupid, nasty-ass movement disorder, essential tremor. It's also known as ET – not to be confused with E.T. the movie, though I often do feel like an alien or a stranger in a strange land…which, at 65 years of age, was NOT the mind expanding read it was at 14 but I digress. 

I told the ever so aptly named Dr. Goodheart that, since our last meeting, my shaking has gotten worse, despite an increase in meds. Yes, mondo sighs all around. The shaking is primarily in my head and hands (worse in my head). This means that handwriting, painting, and other fine motor coordination shit is challenging at best. Sometimes my head shakes so much that I can’t read. It’s hard to focus and this effects my already supremely wonky balance. Obviously, I no longer drive. 

There are workarounds but they only get me so far. What to do?

Goodheart is upping one of my meds but there’s a big risk of less than groovy side effects, such as cognitive slowdown – NOT acceptable! So, we’re going to do a short trial and see how that plays out.

She suggested other options if the med increase doesn't work. One is nerve-blocking injections of onabotulinumtoxinA, also known as Botox. IF I end up going this route, I’d get two to six shots in the neck *shudder* every six weeks. Naturally, my big question is, will I end up with Mar-a-Lago face? That would be wholly unacceptable.

Another avenue, which I may not qualify for, is turning me into an android. Holes would be drilled into my head and electrodes implanted deep inside my brain (WHILE I’M AWAKE!). The electrodes would connect to a a box inserted near my collarbone. This set up called deep brain stimulation (DBS).

There are billions of neurons in each human brain, and these cells communicate with each other using electrical and chemical signals. Several brain conditions can make neurons in different parts of your brain less active. When that happens, those parts of your brain don’t work as well….

DBS uses an artificial electrical current to make those neurons more active, which can help with the symptoms of several different brain conditions. However, researchers still don’t know exactly how or why this works. (source) 

So the DBS current will interrupt or fill in for my brain’s abby-normal signals that make me shake, rattle, and roll (or something). This would be great. I’d love to be able to read, watch teevee, and have a convo without having to hold my head in my hands to keep it still.

That the researchers don’t know how or why it works definitely gives me big heebie jeebies though. Also, that being awake while they drill the holes and stick in the wires? That kinda freaks me out. 

I’m a tough old babe, veteran of eight brain surgeries, but this seems a tad creepy. I mean, do I really have to be awake for it?

There’s a fair chance I’m not a candidate for this anyway. I might have put on too many surgery miles at this point. My treads might be getting a bit too thin up there, ya know?

Can’t the docs just go all Old Man’s War on me and transfer my consciousness into the body of a healthy, ultra strong, computer brained 22 year old?

I REALLY don’t think this is too much to ask.