Tart Slams and Witticisms

You're raising the volume of your voice, but not the logic in your argument.
~  Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the infamous February ’25 Oval Bordello meeting with Pedo and JDouche

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
~  Mark Twain 

Your ability to be positive in the face of self-inflicted adversity is inspiring,
~  anonymous 

You are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. 
~  from Terry Gilliam’s movie, Time Bandits

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
~  attributed to Oscar Wilde

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
~  Groucho Marx 

The acoustics in your head must be incredible.
~  anonymous

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
~  P.G. Wodehouse 

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
~  Charles Bukowski.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
~  Winston Churchill

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
~  Clarence Darrow

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.
~  Moses Hadas

If your brains were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off.
~  Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.
~  Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
~  Samuel Johnson

He had delusions of adequacy.
~  Walter Kerr

My own view is that this planet is used as a penal colony, lunatic asylum and dumping ground by a superior civilization, to get rid of the undesirable and unfit. I can't prove it, but you can't disprove it either.
~  Christopher Hitchens 

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. 
~  Charlotte Whitton

In Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus, Chiron and Demetrius ask Aaron what he did.

Aaron: Thou which thou canst not undo.
Chiron: Thou hast undone our mother.
Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother.

OUCH!!! 
A few witticisms from the brilliant Dorothy Parker:

•  You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. 

•  If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. 

•  This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.

Q: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

A: You can't hear an enzyme.

And a few more excellent slams from Willy the Shake:

Away, you three-inch fool!
~  The Taming of the Shrew

More of your conversation would infect my brain.
~  Coriolanus

Thine face is not worth sunburning.
~  Henry V

Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.
~  Timon of Athens

Wit and Wisdom

There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.
~ Dorothy Parker

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.
~ Maya Angelou

Well-behaved women rarely make history.
~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
~ Gloria Steinem

I didn’t belong as a kid, and that always bothered me. If only I’d known that one day my differentness would be an asset, then my early life would have been much easier.
~ Bette Midler

The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.
~ Coco Chanel

If you’re creating anything at all, it’s really dangerous to care about what people think.
~ Kristen Wiig

You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.
~ Mary Tyler Moore

It turns out that, at social gatherings, as a source of entertainment, conviviality, and good fun, I rank somewhere between a sprig of parsley and a single ice-skate.
~ Dorothy Parker

I feel seen.

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.
~ Tina Fey

Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backward and in high heels.
~ Ann Richards

There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.
~ Madeleine Albright

I’m thinking of the 53% of white women voters who cast their votes for the Toxic Tangerine Twit. What the fucking fuck were you thinking?! He’s a rapist, pedophile, and dangerous pathological idiot, fer fuck’s sake!

I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.
~ Angela Davis

It’s good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you.
~ Margaret Cho

TRUTH!

If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.
~ Zora Neale Hurston

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.
~ Rosa Parks

This is, basically, how I face my myriad neurosurgeries.  My goal is survival with as few nasty NF2 side effects as possible. I’m not particularly brave—my mind’s just made up and I’m determined.

The secret of our success is that we never, never give up.
~ Wilma Mankiller

If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
~ Ru Paul

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
~ Albert Einstein

A people is not defeated until the hearts of its women are on the ground.
~ Cheyenne saying

Hell

To terrify children with the image of hell, to consider women an inferior creation—is that good for the world?
~ Christopher Hitchens

No. No it is not. If you need to do these things in order to feel large and in charge, you’re desperately tiny brained and dicked and should be shunned from society.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
~ Bill Hicks

An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise.
~ Victor Hugo

What is hell? Hell is oneself.
Hell is alone, the other figures in it
Merely projections. There is nothing to escape from
And nothing to escape to. One is always alone.
~ T.S. Eliot

I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.
~ Robert Frost

So this is hell. I'd never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the "burning marl." Old wives' tales! There's no need for red-hot pokers. Hell is—other people!
~ Jean-Paul Sartre

Hell isn't other people. Hell is yourself.
~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

I believe I am in Hell, therefore I am.
~ Arthur Rimbaud

I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.
~ Neil Gaiman

What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven.
~ Chuck Palahniuk

Hell is just a frame of mind.
~ Christopher Marlowe

Hell is truth seen too late.
~ Thomas Hobbes

animals never worry about Heaven or Hell. neither do I. maybe that's why we get along
~ Charles Bukowski

Why do they blame me for all their little failings? They use my name as if I spent my entire days sitting on their shoulders, forcing them to commit acts they would otherwise find repulsive. 'The devil made me do it.' I have never made one of them do anything. Never. They live their own tiny lives. I do not live their lives for them.
~ Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

Hell wasn't a major reservoir of evil, any more then Heaven, in Crowley's opinion, was a fountain of goodness; they were just sides in the great cosmic chess game. Where you found the real McCoy, the real grace and the real heart-stopping evil, was right inside the human mind.
~ Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

 The beauty of this world where almost everyone was gone. If hell is other people, what is a world with almost no people in it?
~ Emily St. John Mandel, Station Eleven

I don't believe in the concept of hell, but if I did I would think of it as filled with people who were cruel to animals.

~ Gary Larson

We all know where South Dakota Governor, Kristi Animal-Killer Noem belongs.

The voice says, maybe you don't go to hell for the things you do. Maybe you go to hell for the things you don't do. The things you don't finish.
~ Chuck Palahniuk

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented Hell.
~ Bertrand Russell

 Hell is an invention of Man. It was created as a means to control all those he fears and/or feels are inferior. e.g., women, children and anyone who doesn’t conform to his flaccid, cadaverous, morally constipated opinions on life.

Life is hell, at some point we all just have to get used to it.
~ Alysha Speer