Death Cards and Toad Spewers

During Vietnam, it was a common, erroneous belief amongst US soldiers that the Vietnamese were immensely superstitious. It was believed that they felt the Ace of Spades symbolized death and the playing card would unnerve them. Soldiers left the cards on the dead bodies of Viet Cong (VC) and the North Vietnamese Army (NVA) as a psyop – a way to instill fear. As if, ya know, war and dead bodies weren’t enough. 

The impact on the VC and the NVA was undoubtedly minimal to nonexistent but, supposedly, leaving the cards was a real morale booster for American grunts. Made ‘em feel like hard men instead of scared kids drafted into an insane war where they’d possibly die. Maybe it made them feel a little invincible. 

Now ICE is using them in Colorado. Latino advocacy nonprofit Voces Unidas reported that the cards were found in vehicles, abandoned after ICEholes abducted the occupants. 

“We are disgusted by ICE’s actions in Eagle County,” said Alex Sánchez, president and CEO of Voces Unidas in the blog post. “Leaving a racist death card behind after targeting Latino workers is deliberate intimidation rooted in a long history of racial violence. This is an abuse of power, and it has no place in any society that claims to value human dignity.” (source)  

Just in case it wasn’t abundantly obvious – what with the government sanctioned murders of Keith Porter, Renee Good, and Alex Pretti (to name just three) – ICE is now advertising big and bold. They’re leaving calling cards. ICE is here to kill anyone who dares challenge them in any fucking way. Just breathe in the wrong way, exist in a manner that offends their delicate sensibilities and *BAM* you’re dead.

Nick Anderson

Hilariously, a spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Security told CBS Colorado that they’re investigating the situation. They say they’re condemning the action.

Yeah, sure. Totally believable.

"ICE is investigating this situation, but unequivocally condemns this type of action and/or officer conduct. Once notified, ICE supervisors acted swiftly to address the issue. 

The ICE Office of Professional Responsibility will conduct a thorough investigation and will take appropriate and swift action. 

Under President Trump and Secretary Noem, ICE is held to the highest professional standard. As our brave law enforcement arrests and removes dangerous criminal illegal aliens, including murderers, rapists, and gang members from our communities, America can be proud of the professionalism our officers bring the job day-in and day-out.” (source) 

Whoever scripted this obscene, absurd, melodramatic deceit is perfectly illustrating Orwell’s point that political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable. 

It’s impossible to even imagine swallowing this shit, especially with how vociferously Brutality Barbie (and her hair extensions), Itty Bitty Bovino, Stephen Goebbels Miller have always lied before having one single fact in front of them. Truth has the same effect on them as sunlight on vampires or water on the wicked witch of the west.

The Charles Perrault fairy tale Toads and Diamonds comes to mind. This entire administration and all of the Republican Party are the bad, toad and snake spewing daughter.

No diss meant to our slithering snake and warty-skinned frog friends, mind you. I’m just not keen on having a conversation with someone who’s vomiting them up every time they speak.

Board of You’ve GOT To Be F*cking Kidding Me

What can I say that Jeff Tiedrich hasn’t already BRILLIANTLY already hit on?

here’s why Donny had peace on what remains of his mind: yesterday was the big signing ceremony for his five-and-dime United Nations knock-off, the Board of Peace™ — Donny’s little foreign-policy grift where he gets to be Board president forever, gets to have veto power over everything, and gets to pocket each country’s billion-dollar initiation fee. (source)

Go read his whole post. Few people can present the facts as trenchantly and wittily as Tiedrich.

I don’t have too bloody much to add but, of course, there are a couple things.

Argentina is on the list of, as Mr. Tiedrich put it, autocracies, D-list fiefdoms, failed states, repressive kingdoms — and literal murderers, who signed up for Prez Pedo’s latest gold painted grift. HOW the fuck does Argentina have the billion dollar sign up fee when we just bailed them out to the tune of $40 bill? 

I mean…math…how’s that shit work again?

Also, re: those billion dollar entry fees – where do they go? Are they direct deposited in the Griftasaurus’s private bank accounts in Qatar? Bet on it.

Funnily (and embarrassingly) enough, included in the list of countries who have, so far, declined the invitations is Slovenia. You know, that's the home country of Prez Pedo’s third wife, the former soft porn model and Epstein escort. Yeah, Jeff Bezos shelled out $75 mill to make a movie about her ($40 to make and $35 to promote). That's a lot of influence buying with the Child Rape and Democracy Destruction Administration, don'cha think?  

The Peace Board is supposedly a key part of a mechanism to oversee the reconstruction of Gaza. Sure Jan.

Just for starters, and I could be way overthinking this, shouldn’t Pedo's Board of Peace for Gaza include…emmmm…maybe some Palestinians?

…while the BoP was first introduced last year with a specific two-year United Nations Security Council mandate to manage post-war Gaza, its official charter makes no direct reference to Gaza at all.  

 Instead, the document outlines a sweeping mandate that appears to challenge existing diplomatic frameworks, advocating a move away from established international institutions on the premise that they have failed to maintain global peace. (source) 

This gold painted Potemkin village con is Pedo’s way of lining his pockets while following his boss, Putin’s, orders – destroying the UN.

The BoP (AKA The Gaza Resort Commission) has, so far, two war criminals wanted by the International Criminal Court (ICC). That’d be Netanyahu, for the genocide in Gaza and Putin, for his ongoing invasion and war on Ukraine. Pedo’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is on the board too. He’s the ever-so-nice young man who’s called for the ethnic cleansing of Gaza in order to “finish the job.” He says the “waterfront property could be very valuable.”  Real humanitarian there, eh.

11 of the 25 countries on the so-called BoP are currently banned from immigrant visas to the United States. I’m sure Presidents Epstein and Miller will have NO problem making exceptions for them though.

Obvs this “Board of Peace” has scam and mob deal written all over it.

Today and Yesterday

I only mention it but it’s currently 7º here in Valhalla with the wind making it feel like -17. Yeah, it’s beautiful BUT we’re sure as fuck not going out there. Hell, I wouldn’t brave that wind and freeze even with your lovely, intact balance nerves.

7º is a fuckton warmer than the temps for Minnesota’s General Strike yesterday. The high was, reportedly around -8º. NEGATIVE 8! That’s Fahrenheit, not Celsius, by the by.

I saw pics of those righteous, glorious resisters in Minnesota yesterday. In that massive crowd was 80 year-old Justice Alan Page, a former Minnesota Viking and NFL Hall of Famer. He completed law school while playing pro ball and then went on to be elected to the Minnesota Supreme Court in 1992. Gee, overachieve much? In 2018 he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. 80 years old and he was out there!

 Coppers arrested somewhere around 100 clergy members who were protesting ICE actions at the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport. Why protest there?

Delta relies on MSP as a major hub, and Signature Aviation provides logistical support for ICE operations. The MSP Airport serves tens of millions of travelers each year and is now used as the key site in DHS’s operations to abduct and rush out Minnesotans to detention centers.

An estimated 2,000 people have been deported through MSP, and many people who work at MSP have been abducted by ICE while at work or commuting to and from the airport. (source) 

Minnesota Mascara

THIS is what religious types should be doing! Protesting against the wicked and protecting the oppressed, the persecuted, those who have truly struggled against ferocious odds. Fuck those fucking blasphemous “prosperity gospel” charlatans all the way to their vision of Hell!

Cursed is anyone who withholds justice from the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow.” Then all the people shall say, “Amen!” 
~ Deuteronomy 27:19

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in.
~ Matthew 25:35

When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. 

The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the LORD your God. 
~ Leviticus 19:33-34

This is what the LORD Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.

 Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.
~ Zechariah 7:9-10

Solidarity actions, if not full on general strikes, spread to at least 215 other cities. 6th Avenue in New York was shut down by 3,000+ protesters. There were marches and gatherings in Boston, Chicago, Phoenix, San Francisco, Seattle, Philadelphia, Savannah, Georgia, Portland, Oregon, and more. This is just going to get bigger and bigger. We’re mad as hell and we’re not gonna take it anymore. 

Maybe, just fucking maybe, America isn’t so doomed after all.  

Meanwhile, the kleptocratic wannabe autocrats keep trying to make us believe their lies and fairy tales instead of the reality we’ve all seen with our damn eyes. May the universe bless the creators of cellphone cameras!

Krazy Kash, the most ridiculously incompetent and corrupt FBI director ever, can fire all the agents investigating Renee Good’s murder but it’ll never make Jonathan Ross and all of ICE innocent.  

Language Matters

Protest is what I do when something isn't okay with me. I march and otherwise register my objections. Resistance is when I try to make it so that what isn't okay doesn't happen any more.

Protest
     noun
The act of objecting or a gesture of disapproval. 

Resistance
     noun
1: an act or instance of resisting : opposition
2: an opposing or impeding force 
3: a secret organization resisting authority, especially in an occupied country.

Definitely protest – also RESIST!

For those under siege by ICE, a few random thoughts and ideas found on the interwebzzz:

•  Cleaning vinegar in which a ghost pepper has soaked. Pour it into the smallest balloon you can find so they pop on contact. Use gloves when putting these cuties together. Make them in the garage to save your sinuses. For good measure, these’ll fit in a dog tennis ball launcher, giving you a 25-40 foot distance. A mini-trebuchet would be wicked cool but prolly harder to come by. These will cause ICEholes to strip off their clothes. It's January. *snicker, snicker*

 •  Leaf blowers were blowing back tear gas and fumes during the Portland, Oregon protests in Trump’s first horrific reign. They could/should be used again against the new army of rabid, wilding, outhouse thugs. These violent rat bastards aren’t just tossing simple tear gas canisters at resisters – they’ve also been tossing out hexachloroethane (HC) smoke grenades. These produce highly toxic gaseous zinc chloride. It’s considered such a serious health hazard that the U.S. military phased it out decades ago because of its extreme toxicity. Even our military won’t use it but Trump’s team of ruthless, brutalizers have no such fucking qualms.

Anyway, normally I TOTALLY would NOT suggest shopping at Walmart BUT you can get a cute cordless leaf blower there for the low, low price of $39.90. 

•  Take videos of ICEholes and post them online. The mainstream media is not covering this horror show sufficiently. They are complicit. 

•. Offer sanctuary to people facing or fearing deportation. Don’t have a basement or an attic to hide them in? Maybe you have safe friends or acquaintances who do. Find out.

Drew Sheneman

•. It’s winter babies. Take a lesson from Minnesotans and coat those sidewalks with water. We’re due for a big storm here in New England starting on Sunday. We might get a foot or so of the white stuff. DON’T shovel. Let those sneaker-clad ICEholes freeze and fall on their asses.

The price of apathy in public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.
~ Plato

Another person was murdered at an ICE concentration camp. Geraldo Lunas Campos, a Cuban immigrant, died January 3rd. The guards said “father of four was attempting suicide and the staff tried to save him.” Sure Jan. In reality though...

…a witness told The Associated Press last week that Lunas Campos was handcuffed as at least five guards held him down and one put an arm around his neck and squeezed until he was unconscious. (source) 

So far this year, six people have died in ICE camps. 2026 is only three weeks old. This murder count doesn’t include those killed on the streets – Renee Good and Keith Porter Jr., to name just two. 

Investigative journalist Lila Hassan uncovered evidence that ICE are told that  

they are allowed to react with force to the threat of violence and not just violence itself.

The lesson describes the following as a myth: “Deadly force can only be used as a last resort.” Establishing that policy and law are not the same, the lesson goes on to say, “The law requires officers to use objectively reasonable force, not the minimal force.”

Giving a warning or using minimal force or all other forms of force before shooting, the training said, could “create an unnecessary risk for the officer”. (source) 

What this says to me is that they’re taught to shoot to kill (or otherwise use violence to kill) if they’re at all afraid.

Were Brian Palacios and Jonathan Ross afraid when the murdered, respectively, Keith Porter Jr. and Renee Good? Oh PLEASE. Like hell they were but I’m sure, like Crybaby Kyle, they’ll put up one hell of a show if they’re ever charged and brought to trial.  

Words, Leopards, Farms. Crud

Word for Today

Recrudescence
     noun  
the recurrence of an undesirable condition.

Merriam-Webster’s definition leaves off the undesirable bit, defining it simply as:
a new outbreak after a period of abatement or inactivity 

BUT in the bit where they tell us where the word originates they say:

Recrudescence comes from the Latin verb recrudescere, meaning “to become raw again” (used, for example, of wounds). Ultimately, it can be traced back to the Latin word crudus, meaning “raw”… In its literal, medical sense, recrudescence refers to a renewed outbreak of a disease. In extended use, it most often describes the return of an undesirable condition, such as a war or a plague, or the return of an undesirable idea (source) 

Interestingly, to me anyway, the word crudescence does not exist. In order to have a repeat, a flare-up of a nasty ailment or situation wouldn’t you have to have an initial outbreak – a crudescence? I mean, seems obvious, right?

As long as I’m wound up in words and etymologies this morning…

Crud
     noun
1a: a deposit or incrustation of filth, grease, or refuse 
  b: something disgusting : rubbish 
  c slang : a contemptible person 

2: a usually ill-defined or imperfectly identified bodily disorder 

JD Vance is unmitigated crud but you knew that.

AcreTrader treats farmland as a financial investment, letting individuals buy fractional ownership in farms often with harmful costs to struggling family (versus corporate) farms. Large investors potentially push smaller farmers out.

Vance was a big, early investor and still is.

“There’s no indication that Vance has divested from AcreTrader, and there’s every indication that that investment remains in place,” said Lisa Graves, the executive director of True North Research, an investigative research group. (source) 

He’s making the big bucks while small farm owners and the Tom Joads of this country work their asses off, struggle, starve, and suffer. Vance profits off of every sale made by AcreTrader.

Be sure to check out Vance the Vulture Capitalist’s other big investment – AppHarvest. What started with oodles of pie-in-the-sky, big happy talk crashed horribly due to wickedly unsafe working conditions, negligible training, and a nasty-ass work environment.

Inside the Morehead greenhouse, the heat index could spike to 155 degrees Fahrenheit, according to worker interviews, leading to dehydration, heat exhaustion, and medical emergencies. The stress of the work environment led to panic attacks, ideation of personal harm, and relapses into addiction. Less than a year after the first seeds had been planted, benefits like employer-paid health insurance ended, company stocks plummeted, harvests failed to yield sufficient Grade A produce, and AppHarvest pivoted from uplifting Appalachia’s blue-collar workforce to bussing in workers from outside the region....

“My whole view of AppHarvest was we were all sold on this beautiful pipe dream,” one corporate worker told Grist. “This is sustainable, this is new, we’re going to make it. It turned out to just be a f—ing nightmare.” (source) 

Farming dependent counties across the country backed Prez Pedo by an average of 77.7%.That’s a solid majority, mes amis. I imagine they didn’t expect their boy’s testerical tariffs which would, naturally, trigger boycotts of U.S. crops. Oh yeah and it also meant Mr. and Ms. Farmer’s fertilizer and machinery costs went way up too. There’s also that whole ICE deporting all the workers problem. 

I guess Trump and his administration really don’t understand OR give a flying fuck about the common man after all.

Huh. Waddya know.

Farmers are getting an $11 billion bailout (Farmer Bridge Assistance Program) though but apparently that’s not enough to cover the amount of damage their hero’s done. They’re feeling a bit betrayed. 

South Dakota Farmers Union president Doug Sombke has said "I mean, he's back at the fire trying to put it out with a garden hose and it's an inferno.” 

Next election, maybe don’t vote for the leopard who’s inevitably going to eat your face clean off. K?

I see that hemp farmers weren’t included in the assistance program. Stupid, shortsighted government.

Bullsh*t and Buns in Ovens

From what I’ve heard, the insane old, makeup spackled, pathologically insecure, vengeance seeking maniac in the White House (thanks Elon, protest and non-voters, MAGAts and other morons), gave a real WTF horror show, rambling speech yesterday. It was filled with his usual brand of bragging nonsense ('I could have been a professional baseball player,’ 'I was going to call it the Gulf of Trump') and easily fact-checked lies but ramped up to 11 or 13 or so….from what I’ve read anyway. I just read the highlights (lowlights) afterwards. My blood pressure can’t deal with being a real time spectator. I need a bit of distance. I’m sure you understand.

I’m reminded of the Carrie Fisher line in Postcards from the Edge when she wakes in rehab after an overdose. The doc is about to pump her stomach – she asks "Oh, do I have to be there?” Yeah, that’s how I feel about America right now. Do I have to be here?

Will Vance and the GOP (Guardians Of Pedophiles) snap out of it and 25th Amendment (section four, thenkyewveddymuch) his ass already? You know, before Pedo kicks off World War III? I mean, I get that eyeliner boy is wildly unpopular but c’mon now.

I understand the batshit rightwing isn’t known for appreciating how bad things can get. They’re all wealthy and pretty damn insulated from the consequences of their egregious choices. So, maybe they figure if they hold off on 25th Amendmenting the insane orange ass until September 20th, they’ll be golden.

Jack Ohma

Why September 20th? If JD takes over for Prez Pedo before that date, he will have served one full term as president and will only be eligible to run for president one more time (22nd Amendment limits). If the GOP waits until after September 20th, Vance can run for two more terms. Taking over from Orange Pedo after September 20th makes this current term NOT count as a full one. 

Republicans are risking plunging us into World War III, devastating the U.S. economy, decimating our reputation around the world for generations to come and for what?! JD Vance? A man so completely devoid of charisma and common sense, he makes Keith Moon, John Bonham, and Iggy Pop, at their wildest, most erratic, drugged out peak, look like polite, reserved, deeply contemplative, 12 dimensional chess playing boy scouts.

By the by, Moon, Bonham, and Pop would be FAR better bets for U.S. prez than JD, the soulless, power and money motivated lie machine. 

I’ve really gotta wonder (irresponsible not to speculate and all), is Usha and her always fabulating, sack of shit, couch molesting, VP husband’s baby news a way to soften and perhaps repair Vance’s absolute shitshow public image and horrendously low approval ratings? He’s not a MAGAt crowd-pleaser, despite all the ugly red meat he throws them. How is having another mixed race child (which those fecal brained nitwits assuredly think is a crime) going to make him more likeable to them? Is he hoping to pick up the hearts, minds, and votes of Independents, thinking they’ll see a baby, lose their minds in fits of sloppy sentimentality and completely forget who he is?

Roz Chast

I mean, that won’t work on folks with half a brain OR people who prefer wolves, feral cats, bears, and attack orcas to human babies. (Me, that won't work on me and 95% of the people I know)

Alternatively, could this baby possibly be a last ditch, pathetic effort to save the heart of Usha and JD’s relationship? An I’m-sorry-for-all-the-really-bad-press baby. 

He’s potentially apologizing for his myriad lies, inflammatory white supremacist rhetoric, his lost spine (IF he ever had one), that he became nothing more than a rightwing troll and puppet, that VERY public touchy feely action with poor Widow KKKirk, etc, etc. He’s sorry he humiliated her on the world stage? 

Doubt it. The man is just not self-aware or caring.

Whatever – I’ll never be convinced that Usha’s quickening bun is anything other than a publicity pregnancy.

So then, Karolying Leavitt, Katie Goebbels Miller, and Usha Vance are all up the spout at the same time. We’ve got a hat trick of anti-christ possibilities here, don’t we?

Question regarding who Usha’s sperm donor might be. Was it:

• James Donald Bowman?
• James David Hamel?
• James David Vance?
• J.D. Vance?
• JD Vance?
• VP Couchfucker?

We’ve got a lot of choices here.

Also, just curious but when will whale decapitating, heroin shooting, sewage swimming, bear corpse toting, dog eating, lying-ass RFK Jr.’s wife, Cheryl Hines and Melania announce their miracle geriatric pregnancies? 

You know, more MAGAts for the Fatherland! More cannon fodder for Prez Pedo's war against everyone.

The Movie

What shall we call her?

FLOTUS – First Lady Of The United States?

Eh, she’s not performing any of the tasks associated with that title and she, sure as fuck, ain’t no lady. At least not one as defined by Merriam-Webster.

Lady
     noun
1a: a woman having proprietary rights or authority especially as a feudal superior 
 b: a woman receiving the homage or devotion of a knight or lover 

2: a woman of refinement and gentle manners 

3a: any of various titled women in Great Britain—used as the customary title of (1) a marchioness, countess, viscountess, or baroness or (2) the wife of a knight, baronet, member of the peerage, or one having the courtesy title of lord and used as a courtesy title for the daughter of a duke, marquess, or earl 
b: a woman who is a member of an order of knighthood 

Okay, skip that. What about:

FPMOTUS – First Porn Model Of The United States?
FSWOTUS – First Sex Worker Of The United States?
FEEOTUS –  First Epstein Ex Of The United States?

There’s a “documentary” coming out about Melania Trump. It’s a $40 million project from Jeff Bezos and is widely expected to flop BIG time at the box office. Zilcho surprise there. No one, apart from MAGAt men and boys who fap to her old porn pics, has any interest in this plastic fraud. She’s a dimwitted, rightwing, racist grifter, just like the demented, felonious, pedophile pile of shit she married.

Bezos/Amazon had the movie made as a way to curry favor, to suck up to Trump. 40 mil is a LOT to shell out just to butter the felon’s capacious buns but, considering how little Bezos pays his Amazon workers, I guess he’s got the dosh to spare.

It’s long been claimed (but you know how those Republicans lie easier than they breathe) that the First Porn Model Of The U.S. got an undergraduate degree in architecture. Reality – it appears to be hype that she attended college at all. According to the fact checking site, Snopes:  

We also checked the Ljubljana University archives for any records of Melania Knauss, Melanija Knavs, and every other combination and alternate spellings of those names that we could find, and were unable to locate a record of her at that university, nor at any other university in the country.

Supposedly, she speaks six languages. The only way this is even vaguely true is like this:

She’s from Slovenia which was part of the former republic of Yugoslavia. Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Serbia, Montenegro, North Macedonia, and Kosovo were as well. Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, and Montenegrin are mutually intelligible languages.

 It’s like British English versus American English. There are different names for different things. (e.g. chips vs French fries, flat vs apartment, jumper vs sweater, football vs soccer, etc) Spelling, vocabulary, and pronunciations can vary just as they do in British vs American English. 

Another apt comparison might be someone from Dorchester or Quincy, Massachusetts having a conversation with someone from rural Mississippi. We’re all speaking English but our dialects are different. Frankly, I'd have a MUCH easier time understanding someone from Liverpool or Orkney than I would a U.S. citizen from Looxahoma or Yazoo City.

In any case, Slovenian is distinct from Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, and Montenegrin but still South Slavic. Older Slovenians grew up with Serbo-Croatian as a shared language so, with context, they’re likely to understand.

All this is to say that, technically, Melania may understand five languages, besides Slovenian, but only if you class Bosnian, Croatian, Serbian, and Montenegrin as four fully separate languages and then add in English (which, from what I understand, she barely speaks unless she’s repeating words that someone else has written first).

Mrs. Pedo is serving as the executive producer for her little “documentary” and will receive 70% of the film's revenue. I imagine, but naturally don’t know, that this is after expenses like production and marketing have been deducted. I would fucking well hope it’s after expenses are deducted. Bezos won’t even notice the $40 mil loss. Hell, that’s not even lunch money for him.

This vanity/suck-up project was directed by Brett Ratner, an Epstein Islander who hasn’t made a Hollywood movie since being accused of sexual harassment by multiple women in 2017. Considering Melania’s husband is a serial rapist, pedophile, and responsible for god only knows how many deaths via COVID, ICE, and whatever other nefarious shit he’s been up to, this choice is no surprise. Ratner was probably her only choice.

Even if you do have some sick interest in seeing the show (hey, maybe you want to hate-watch – I don’t judge), if you wait, you can see it for free on your own teevee. You can avoid the embarrassment of anyone you might know seeing you spend money on such a nasty flick. Hell, I went to the theater to see Flesh Gordon and wasn’t at all ashamed. Melania? No fucking way!

Another issue the Melania movie faces in terms of box office sales is that it’s slated to release on Amazon Prime at some point, where it will likely be offered for free as part of the subscription service. According to Yahoo Finance, nearly 75% of US shoppers have an Amazon Prime subscription, which means that those interested in seeing the movie can wait to see it later on demand. (source) 

Etiquette Lessons for Boors

Being deaf and having, apparently, a severe case of resting I-wish-a-muthafucka-would face shields me from a lot of rude shit from the socially banjaxed amongst us. It seems America is jam packed with these boors.

Found on Threads—a woman in a wheelchair was in an elevator. Another woman, a stranger, got on. Apropos of nothing the stranger asks “What happened,” as in, why are you in a wheelchair?

How abso-fucking primitive of her, no?

A commenter offered a possible riposte:

“I don’t tell that story for free. I have a sliding scale for intrusive questions. Some cost drinks, some cost dinner, some require a credit check.”

Concise and clever! Other potential replies?

• “My legs were torn to shreds by a stranger in an elevator. OH MY GOD, they looked JUST LIKE YOU!”

Start breathing dramatically, heavily while rolling the wheelchair back into a corner. Begin bleating, “please, I beg of you, don’t kill me!” When the elevator doors open and new passengers get on, act completely normal as though nothing at all went down.

• Throw the question back on the thoughtless inquirer. Ask them what happened while you gesture at their face or some other body part. If they ask “what?,” reply with “Oh, I’m so sorry. How rude of me. This is probably a sensitive, uncomfortable thing for you to talk about AND it’s none of my business. Please forgive my egregious faux pas.”

• Deadpan – “Have you ever seen the movie Alien? Well, I survived.” //break eye contact// I can’t say anymore. It’s top secret, you know."  //stay silent, no matter what until the elevator doors open at your floor//

• Respond with, “What happened? What? What are you talking about?” pause, look down. “OH MY GOD, I’M IN A WHEELCHAIR. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!!!”
• Toss large handfuls of glitter at the rude person. Tell them you’re from the Department of Social Interactions and there have been several serious complaints about her. The light glitter bombing is her first warning. The next offense will warrant a Blizzard Bomb which is when thousands of tiny, static-charged foam balls will be released in the home. These will adhere to clothing, hair, cats, dogs, turtles, furniture, and rugs. Third violation and the junk mailers, spammers, and door to door religion salesweasels will be unleashed. STILL asking intrusive personal questions that are NONE of your fucking business? Into the hot box with renowned cheap makeup and fecal scented Prez Pedo she goes.

• Ask the rude questioner, “What do you mean 'what happened?'” Make them specify. When they reply “Oh, you know…”, gesturing at your legs, say “No, I don’t know. Please elaborate.” Make them ask the full intrusive, ass-faced question – why are you in a wheelchair. Then ask them why they felt it was appropriate to ask this of a complete stranger. By now the person’s probably getting fairly defensive. Keep making them uncomfortable. Push it. “How is my body ANY of your business.” Make it painfully awkward. Then, up the ante. Do they have some sort of sick, ghoulish fetish where they feel entitled to the details of stranger’s health struggles?

• Say nothing but hand them a card with a list of helpful websites like:

The Etiquette Factory 
New England School of Protocol 
Reader’s Digest – 13 Etiquette Rules That Should Be Taught in Schools—but Aren’t 
Melissa Penfold, The New 100 Etiquette Rules for Modern Life 

On the very few occasions when I’ve encountered the blindingly socially dimwitted, I’ve tended toward making communicating with me a lot more trouble than it’s worth. It's fun. I like people going away feeling frustrated, annoyed, with a hint of I've-failed-at-communicating-with-a-poor-disabled-person. It’s my little inside joke to myself.

No, I am not a noble, angelic, martyr-type disabled person.  //understatement alert//