Hey, You've Got To Hide Your Body Away

Male swimsuit fashion is utterly, mind bogglingly, mystifying to me. It’s not just chubby, old geezers sporting the baggy coverall look, it’s young hot guys too. I’m telling you, I just do NOT get this.

And, you know, there’s absolutely no female equivalent unless of course you’re sporting the beach burqa look this season — generally not seen on American shores, mind you.

 Hell, even my one piece black, I-coulda-been-a-nun, old lady suit has more going on!

No, no, I’m not expecting men to be all on display for my personal benefit (necessarily) but what’s up with the plaids, the stripes, the Hawaiian print male muumuu looks? Is this insecurity? Timidity? A return to the Victorian age? Are they not wearing more abbreviated bathing costumes due to male slut shaming from their peers, like so many innocent yet early developed teen girls have suffered ? (**cough** me) Does that phenomenon even exist for men?

And what, I ask you WHAT, is the big scary ass deal about men in Speedos? Why is this considered laughable, gross and/or massively eye roll worthy? Seriously. I want to know.

What’s wrong with the human body that it needs to be covered under yards of cloth? Precious few of us are Beyonce or Michael Phelps and, sure, I’m SO not keen on seeing Jabba The Hut in a Speedo either. (Come to think of it though, figure the odds of ever seeing said snippet, or any other clothing, under all those folds of flesh).

Really and true though, I’ve seen regular type men of all shapes, sizes and colors, Speedo wrapped, at Walden, Nantasket and even a couple of nude beaches right here in the US of A,  I’ve never found any of these gents to be hurl worthy or even eye roll inspiring. I’ve been far more inclined to applaud their courage — the courage to step out of the pack and show a little style and joy.

It’s absurd, and setting ourselves up for massive disappointment, to expect the populace at large or small to look like game on, peak form Hugh Jackmans or Penelope Cruzes.

Sure, I work out nearly every day but I still have a few pounds to shed before I’m comfortable. I’m not going to wrap myself in a tent just to possibly, maybe keep from offending the figure police. I don't expect men to either.

Dammit!

Pearl Jam -- You've Got to Hide Your Love Away