Father to Son

On the eve of his eldest son's departure for freshman year college in a far flung mid western state.

Dear Caleb,

I’ve always thought better with a pen in my hand, so when I started to consider what I want to say to you at this moment, it seemed natural to put it into writing (or typing so you don’t have to put up with my scrawl). The truth is though, that I’m not sure I have anything profound to say. You could Google something like “advice to college-bound students” and get loads of pithy, funny, thoughtful articles. Better yet, you could look for good commencement speeches so you’d know what to keep in mind as you go through the next four years. All of these words are probably right at some level and you should pay attention to them, but they’re not personalized to the one and only Caleb B. So here are a few thoughts just from me to you.

Going to college is momentous as only a few other things in life are. It’s right up there with getting married, losing your virginity, and taking your first big solo trip. What all of these have in common is that you’re not the same person after as you were before. Your world opens up. It makes both more and less sense because the more you know, the more you realize that you don’t know. Embrace that ambiguity; it is your friend. On the edge of not-knowing is where you will learn and experience the most. You’ll stumble and fall there – at least I hope you’ll stumble and fall – and with new clarity, you’ll say, “Well huh, that didn’t work. Guess I better try something else.” That’s called learning and it’s what we’re in this life to do.

College is lots of things. It’s classes, bull sessions, hot dates, deadlines, papers. Most of all, it’s an adventure and I’m delighted that you’ve never shied away from that. I know that you’ll plunge into this one full force and I envy you this experience. That doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy every minute of it – there are parts that are a royal pain in the ass – but on balance, I expect you’ll revel in college more than anything else you’ve done so far.

So don’t rush through. Take your time, look around you, figure out for yourself what works and doesn’t work with professors, roommates, classes, and those hot dates. You’re a perceptive guy, Caleb, and I know you’ll pick up on the nuances, but I hope you’ll feel that you can call me if you’re confused (or elated or depressed or for any other reason). This moment is all yours. Go wallow around in it.

Really Caleb, there is only one thing I want you to do: zai a mensch. And you already are, so that’s more of a confirmation of how I see you than advice on how to behave. Be generous with your time and attention, be attentive to others’ needs, listen well and respond with compassion, use your innate good humor and comforting presence to make others feel relaxed. Just do all the things that come so naturally to you for no reason and no reward other than that that’s the right way to behave and the world spins more smoothly when you do.

You’ve always given me many reasons to like and admire you, Caleb. I’m incredibly proud of who you are. I can’t wait to see what this chapter will bring.

As you head out into the world, remember that we’ve got your back.

With much love and respect,

Aba