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Sunday, March 31, 2013

Vampire Easter

Last night I dreamed that I was a big time vampire hunter. You know -- I was all Buffy-esque.

My friend Kevin C., (who, in real life, I’ve not seen in an age and 3/4) and I were a team. He and I were after the big kahuna, the CEO of the undead, who just happened to own a block long steel and glass office complex along a non-existent industrial stretch of Massachusetts Avenue -- between Porter Square Cambridge and the Arlington town line.

Our mission was to slip into Vampire HQ, somehow find our way to the monster’s inner sanctum and stake him down to ashes and dust.

As I left my house on Big Mission Morning, I looked down at my feet and realized that I’d donned my brandy new, shiny, black patent leather ballet flats, with the cutest little grosgrain bows on the toes.

They’d surely be ruined during this nasty assignment. I sighed and kept moving. Nice shoes are confidence boosters and I needed all I could carry. Another pair could be bought.

Kevin and I got to the bland yet imposing office building and walked in. Yup, we could just stroll right in without setting off claxons, bright flashing lights or attracting a crack team of ninja Blackheart demon guards.

Weird, maybe this assignment wouldn’t mess up my adorable little slippers after all.

The first floor was a gallery of sorts. Contained within glass display cases and oh so artfully lit, were life size, yet delicate, porcelain sculptural renditions, complete with sweet Victorian-ish floral accents of the body parts taken from our evil undead adversary's favorite victims. There was a muscular leg from Van Helsing, a vibrant flock of dreads from Marley Davidson: Bronx Exorcist and Buffy Summers' left ear.

I was starting to get all nervous and fearful. The shoes were gonna be toast -- I could just feel it down to my metatarsals.

All the cats got catnip treat sprinkled breakfasts. It's Easter!
And then Coco, fierce mouse warrior, landed on my sternum with her morning announcement, ‘wake up already! I need breakfast and Rocco and Gaston are outside wanting food now too! Oh and then we have to play fetch.’ (a game where I toss her ball or fuzzy mouse, she stares at it intently, and then I fetch the toy and try throwing it again).

Why am I dreaming about Vampire Kings? Shouldn’t today be all about zombies? After all -- it’s Easter!

Yes, I just finished Jenny Lawson’s book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir, and I think she raises a salient point.
Known for her sardonic wit and her hysterically skewed outlook on life, award-winning blogger and columnist Jenny Lawson has made millions of people question their own sanity as they found themselves admitting that they, too, often wondered why Jesus wasn’t classified as a zombie or laughed to the point of bladder failure when she accidentally forgot that she mailed herself a cobra.
Think about it -- seriously now!

Oh and Happy Easter.

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