Parallel Universes

In a parallel universe I am, 24/7, unironically perky. I’m so effervescent, I sparkle ALL the damned time.

I only listen to the Monkees, the Bangles, Belly and Broadway musicals (assuming hearing in this alternate world). I read nothing but MaryJanice Davidson, Janet Evanovich and Jane Austen. My favorite poet is Dr. Seuss. The best painter EVAH is Mary Cassatt! And I can’t imagine a tastier meal than radish salad with a cucumber and 'lite' cream cheese appetizer.

I make Dr. Pangloss look like a character out of Camus’ The Stranger. I make sorority sisters and cheerleaders look like world weary, chain smoking art majors.

God I’m irritatingly bubbly -- saccharinely gooey in fact. I’m even annoying myself.

Fuck that shit.

In a parallel universe I am, 24/7, bumming madly. I’m not on a constant weep-o-thon, mind you, I just can’t brighten the hell up. Not even for a moment.

Gus, AKA Eddie Haskell, sporting a rare stern mien

I don't dare because, in this world, every bit of news validates my transcendent belief that the world’s on the Oblivion Express barreling unstoppably for certain, molto painful doom. Peak Oil’s been reached, the ice shelves are cracking, melting and we’re totes in for a Katrina or Super Typhoon Haiyan every year. Droughts and wildfires will make the cataclysm in Yosemite seem like a nice, tidy campfire.

Rocco, who is ready for his Close Up.

There’s no hope so we should all learn how to grow and can our own veggies and fruits, create our own clothes out of tree bark and seaweed and adopt a herd of cat to keep us warm on the impossibly frozen winter nights.

I read only the bleakest of fiction (happy endings are for suckers!), preferring articles and weighty tomes along the lines of How to Survive the End of the World.

My true fav painter is Max Ernst. I only eat artery and sinus clogging dairy based dishes because, ya know, we’re all gonna die anyway!

Christ what a drag-ola. Again, I’m aggravating myself, as well as anyone near me.

In reality, I’m somewhere in between these two. Which extreme do I generally lean toward?

Depends on the day, the moment and whether or not The Amazing Bob’s baked me one of his astounding blueberry/apple pies.

Which reminds me -- Gingerbread Men! It’s just about that time of year when TAB bakes me gingerbread men!

You see, I’m easily distracted by baked goods.

End of the world? Meteor headed right for us?

No prob, just pass me one of TAB’s molasses cookies. K?