Not Without Talent

Precious few of us give our own awesome selves enough goddamned credit for being smart, talented, wise, pretty/handsome, whatevs. Bast knows, I'm no exception.

Some days I know that I've some painting chops but that's not a consistent, every day thing. Some of that's the usual low/high security tides. The recent-ish persistence of lower security tides can be, mostly, chalked up to that whole post deafening dry period.

Without music, my work suffered massively. Eventually I gave myself a break. I quit bashing my paint spattered head against the stretchers, hoping that, in time, the muses would come back around again, and this time with four part harmony and feeling.

And I believe they have, at least it's starting to feel as though they've not abandoned me completely.

I've been working on, what I refer to as, my Scar Series. At left and right are my own matched set. Little sister Celeste has them too. She quipped after her last surgery, 'they should install zippers — it'd make things easier.' Aye-yup.

I've also done a pair of large (30"x60") canvases. One of The Amazing Bob's quad bypass scar. The other's of my back — where Fred had to open me up, cut through all the major muscles to get at the leviathan wrapped around my spine. The man's a neurosurgical wizard.

In any case, those two are meant to be a diptych. Some couples get matching or complementary tattoos. TAB and I are hard core — we just had to get mated surgical scars.

That painting at right? That's the new scar that I thought I'd be rockin' this year but no. REPRIEVE!

Apart from the obvious and unavoidable evaporation of my old soundtracks, the biggest difference in how I paint now versus then, is that I work a lot more slowly. So far anyway. I'm unable to disconnect my thoughts and just let the images, the brushstrokes burn through me onto the canvas.

I've also gotten relatively small. The canvases above are all around 24" square. I've always preferred working large — bigger the better. The pre-deafening painting at right is approximately 72" square. Life size or better always felt like the perfect amount of room.

Sadly, I don't have the the studio space to stretch out like that now. Additionally, at present anyway, the more bantam dimensions feel right. The way I create (not just the size but the way I lay down the paint, the brushstroke) and my subject matter (not just glorious nekkid folk anymore) is changing.

That's scary. All change, even good change, is scary. Will I like the new stuff? Is the current work just an in between point — the 2 AM Saint Louis bus change in the cross country/cross life trip of my creativity? Is it any good? Where am I ultimately headed? Am I succeeding in visual communication? Most of all, am I having fun?

I don't know yet. I don't even know if the paintings at top are done. Oddly, I seem to be more patient now. That is, I'm able to set a piece aside for a month or more and then come back with fresher eyes, maybe a different perspective and new ideas.

I guess the best thing I can do is this — wait, watch, see and keep on painting.