Mermania

Know what I have stuck in my ol' deaf head this morning? I'll bet you don't.

Nope, it's not Low Rider by War. Good guess though.
It's not Killer Queen by, duh, Queen.
And it isn't Out On The Weekend by Neil Young either.

Was es ist. Sagen Sie mir!

Ethel Merman singing Everything's Coming Up Roses.

No. Really.

Clearly, if there's a god, he/she/it despises me. Warum, I ask you, why?

I trace my rock solid hatred of musicals to her, to Merman. Truly I do. She was on The Ed Sullivan Show or maybe it was The Carol Burnett Show--as a family, we watched both faithfully. I know that I was 10 or 11 and I had hearing then.

We were living in Bloomington, Indiana at the time, a place that felt light years, universes away from home (New England). The burg was an alien planet for Bast's sake.

I was happily watching TV with my folks when Ms. Merman comes on. Jesus, right outta the gate the woman's big, booming, tugboat klaxon voice knocked me back. I was horrified. Seriously. I'd never heard such awful bombast and hell, I'd already been to an opera or two by then (La Boheme and Così Fan Tutte thanks).

If it was the Sullivan show, this is that brain scarring performance.

You're welcome?

I Googled La Merm and was surprised to find that she’d been married to Ernest Borgnine--who wasn’t nicknamed ‘Mister Ugly’ for nothing. Incredibly, by the time he clocked off this planet, he’d found five, FIVE women who would marry him.

From Mail Online:

Borgnine’s second mistake was Ethel Merman, the gravel-voiced comedy queen of Broadway, best known for her role in Gypsy.
Ethel was right at the top of her game when she met Borgnine at a cocktail party during his long-dragged-out divorce from Jurado.
Seven years older than the portly star, thrice married herself and newly divorced from the President of Continental Airlines, the woman known as ‘Hitler’ by the dancers in her shows because of her authoritarian manner, told everyone who asked about her new fling: ‘I’ve never really been in love before.’
Borgnine countered by saying ‘Love at first sight is no myth. Wham, that’s it, I’m as happy as a bug in a rug. This will last for ever. You can bet your last dime on it.’

Their marriage lasted 32 days. Mind you that’s 18 days longer than Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra’s holy union. The Merman/Borgnine love match lasted 30 days beyond Britney Spears and Jason Alexander’s wedded bliss-a-thon. And they lasted 24 more days than Dennis Hopper and Mamas and Papas singer Michelle Phillips blessed-by-god-himself connubiality.

Apparently Mister Ugly was a bit of a wife beater.

Now--how to get Merman’s horror show voice outta my poor deaf head? Maybe I could fire up my old turntable--give Art Blakey’s Hard Bop a spin. Yeah, some Cranky Spanky might just do the trick.