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Friday, July 17, 2015

The Unbearable Lightness of Randomness

Ya know what goes great, excellent in fact, with a beautifully spicy, earthy, full bodied Pinot Noir? I’ll tell you what—goldfish crackers. Yes. Best if they’re the sort with that extra, ultra vivid, neon orange hue. Oh yes!

And then there are lobsters. Ya know they look like giant insects from Florida. Or Texas mebbe—someplace with scary ass, mondo bugs. And you want me to eat one? You’re calling this horror movie star a delicacy? You’re gonna charge me HOW much to eat this mammoth vermin? No thank you.

Knees—I should be able to just pop out a worn pair and snap in a replacement set that I'd be sure to have on hand in the back of my closet. Simple, fast process—all easy peasy. Makes sense, right? Don’cha think all the bucks spent on wars, politicking and Estee Lauder Youth‑Dew would be better spent on developing simple, human replacement parts?  Maybe people go into battle because their knees are hurting, hmmmmm? This could be the path to world peace!

Red Roof Plus+? Redundant much? This is a budget hotel chain and the majority of the reviews that I found online were, at best, not dreadful BUT. In the Red Roof reviews there was always a but. Fer example:
Pros: Relatively clean, new bathroom fixtures, comfy bed, location right next to the Mass Pike (I-90), friendly and helpful staff.  Very inexpensive…
Cons: rooms are bare-bones. No fridge or microwave, no box of Kleenex. I was sneezing a lot in the room. I think that's because they allow pets, so if you're allergic, don't stay here. Bedside table had a slight slant and things would slide off.  Lamp on the desk didn't work….
Another review, after allowing that it was a great, cheap deal if there are no rooms left in Boston
Well, it's not a very nice hotel.
Will not impress even a prom date.
So the Plus+? Not enough to get me to ever stay in one.

Which brings me (somehow) to Johnny Cupcakes. LOVE the logo and was mega eager to try the cupcakes. Whoops no. They don’t make my beloved cuppycakes. What do they make? T-shirts with that cool logo on them. Ya know, I would’ve bought a T if there’d been an actual pastry—even a nasty one. As is, it’s all just way too meta for me.

Sunflowers—why can’t I grow them? Oh sure, sure, I can get them to come up, to bloom, to stand there tall, bright and proud…for about a day. I dunno if those big heads are just too heavy for their stems and they’re naturally gonna pitch over fast OR mebbe our asshole squirrels, marauding blue jays and other visitors have something to do with Early Onset Flower Death. I see six and ten foot tall gangs of Mammoth Russians, Moulin Rouges, Solaras and Vincent Freshes all around our neighborhood. These statuesque stunners stand tall and imposing throughout the season. Why can’t I make that happen? Hmmmm?

House cleaning—this should totes count as exercise. Fer reals and shit. Yesterday I began the beastly task of cleaning all of our Venetian blinds. I took each set outside, hosed em down and scrubbed the filth off with a soapy rag. Oooof that was exhausting work! Mind you, if I dusted them regularly, I could save myself a lot of trouble BUT, eh, that’d be too easy. Amirite?

I'm taking today off, thenkyewveddy much!

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