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Friday, March 4, 2016

Thank you, I'll take the CliffNotes version

Why wear out my poor overtaxed braincells watching the Republican so-called debates when I can read the fabulous and often screamingly funny recaps the next day?

Celeste sat through another one again. I must send her box of Thank-you-for-taking-the-bullet-for-me-chocolates.
For those of you who have not grown numb to this – eh ... situation .... here are a few moments from last night's frat party:

John: C'mon folks, I polished Reagan's golf clubs and slapped Rumsfeld on the back. I am an adult. The only one here who engineered the buy-out of older teachers so that young underpaid and inexperienced ones could save us some patriotic Ohio cash. God bless America and god bless common sense old-school GOP self-destruction.
Drumpf: I am BIG. I am winning. And, OK OK, I am flexible. Please pass the waterboard, I'm getting tired of listening to my opponents.
Li'l Marco & Lyin' Ted (in unison): f%+$@"*/!>[%'"? !!!
Megyn Kelly (and her intimidating false eye lashes/pet tarantulas): Mr Trump, are you scamming innocent people? Are you a con artist? *insert video of Trump scamming and conning*
Drumpf: That's for me to know and you to find out.

...and in the end they all embraced -- awkwardly but passionately, as only drunks do. *gong*
Allen Clifton weighed in (this is just one of his disgusted posts about the event):
I really can't believe I'm living in a day and age where I'm witnessing presidential candidates making references to their penis size, hand size, wetting their pants, their height, their ears or their sweating habits.

The stupidity is exhausting.

These are people who want to be the most powerful human being on the planet acting like immature 13-year-olds trying to bully one another in a locker room.
And here’s a snippet of my friend Steve’s write up (I believe you can read the rest of his molto witty "translation" here, at this linkie):
MEGYN KELLY: Tonight’s rules are simple. Each candidate has 60 seconds for each answer, a limit they will repeatedly ignore while we impotently do nothing.

TRUMP: Now that the southern primaries are over, I disavow the KKK.

RUBIO: I said I wouldn’t resort to personal attacks. But Donald Trump deserves it. Nana nana boo boo.

TRUMP: He called my hands small. Look at them. They are not small. And I will now come as close as you will ever hear to someone saying “penis” in a national presidential debate.

: Yes, I’ve lost most of the primaries so far, but let me change the subject by lying about job losses caused by Obamacare. Also, abolishing the IRS. If you promise to abolish the IRS, it doesn’t matter how far behind you are in delegates.

RUBIO: Donald is creaming the rest of us. But … Lincoln. Reagan. Planned Parenthood. Nuclear Triad. Small hands.

TRUMP: I’m the only one who can beat Hillary.

RUBIO: I’m the only one who can beat Hillary.

CRUZ: I’m the only one who can beat Hillary.

KASICH: I’m the only one who can beat Hillary. And unlike the others, I’m actually not lying! I have no chance of winning, but that’s boring process stuff. Let’s talk about my exciting deficit reduction plan. Also, I’m the only adult in the room … although I’m obviously some sort of odd adult who apparently has no control of his own hands.
And, the long form *snicker, snicker* of Jim Wright's epic, hilarious, imagined world of a Prez Schlong's future reign is here. A must read. Seriously.

I give you the first few sentences here:
2016: Donald Trump brags about the size his manhood during a televised GOP debate. Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio laugh nervously and parry Trump's sword thrust with their own suave references to legendary Cuban machismo. The crowd cheers, at long last Megyn Kelly has cut through the trivial irrelevancies of economics and war and domestic policy, she's masterfully stripped leadership of the free world down to its bare essentials and the only thing the world TRULY cares about.

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