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Sunday, August 28, 2016

Hi Honey, I’m Home

God, it was a zillion and one half kinds of painful to, after the fast trip to see Poppy, not be able to walk in my front door and sing out my presence with authority. This trip was, in many ways, a 52 hour long trigger which struck me as funny (NOT funny hah-ha of course). The Amazing Bob was never able to go on these Daddy sojourns with me so, what up with all the sob sparkers?

Anytime I was away from TAB, even for a a day, we set our tinyphones afire with texts. On waking, I’d electro-greet him with Morning Hunny Pie! Take your pills. Feed the cats. Feed you. LYM (Love you madly). To which he’d reply, amongst other things, NYB (need you badly). For the rest of the day. ‘cept while I was in Pop’s company, we’d continue our casual, wayfaring convo.

While driving home from the airport, I’d always send a warning Home in 30 minutes. Ixnay the dancing girls now, now. NOW! This being our running wag – that, the minute I left town he’d, on the sly, invite the Rockettes (all of 'em!) over for fun and games. I always knew, just KNEW though. The stray sequins in the carpet were a dead giveaway. Hmmmph!

This time around there no warning text to him from me, no Ooops, calling them a cab now! from TAB.

I walked in the door to Coco’s petulant And where’ve YOU been mien and Rocco’s shunning pout No, no, I’m NOT coming outta the closet. You left me ALONE for longer than an hour! Just FYI, Oni was home taking good care of my formally dressed beast babies. They got breakfast, lunch, dinner AND treats but, I know, it’s not the same as having your own personal doormat and cossetter at 24/7 beck and call. Poor dears!

All in all, the journey was triple plus hard. Was it too soon for me to travel? Should I have stayed home with my grief, my knitting, cats and binge watching of The Big Bang Theory instead? Eh, I’m of two minds on how to handle this grief shit.

On one hand, I can stay home in my cottage cocoon and only emerge for cat food runs, dawn pic snapping and the odd trip into town to see Janice. I can weep, howl and go full blown Niagara all I want/need in the privacy of my own private Valhalla. On the other, maybe it’s good to get up and out – embrace the world but, at the same time, be mindful. Take a slower pace. Ya know, leap back into the world but go easy on myself. Breathe deep and don't pack the schedge.

I like option deux. Life without TAB’s gonna be painful plus no matter what. Nothing’s easy, simple or stress-free right now. I may as well re-embrace life, do fresh things, meet new and old friends, find sparkling painting inspirations. And then come home, take a nap with the cats and have a good cry.

Yup. I can do this.

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