Should I Stay or Should I Go

Surprisingly, VERY much so, in the 80 days since my Amazing Bob has been gone, he hasn’t made so much as a cameo appearance in any of my dreams. The nerve! On Tuesday and Wednesday nights of this week though, he gave all-night-long, trance-time, standing-room-only performances.

On Tuesday night, my beautiful man had returned from the dead but was still in dire health. He and I were at MGH throughout every chapter of this nightlong chimera – sitting stooped over on hallway benches in agonizing pain, morosely cooling our heels in doctor’s waiting rooms, dejectedly standing in line for meds. I had my arms around him, trying to shore him up and shield him from his body’s virulent self destruct mode.

I was thrilled beyond belief to have him by my side. I didn’t want to lose him again BUT I couldn’t bear to have him in such horrible torment either.

Of course.

All night this went on. Exhausting shit, I'm tellin you!

The meaning? Pretty obvs. I want TAB back with me but I know that his body was waving the white flag – it’d had well more than enough and had given irrevocable notice. In Dreamsville, I was once again facing the horrible decision that I'd had to make in life – do we keep fighting the harrowing, ultimately doomed battle or do we let go and welcome peace.

Yeah, so this was a nightmare then, eh? Except for the part where I got to hold him again. Jesus, that was good.

On Wednesday night, my man was once again back with the living. This time, it was so’s he could attend his after party (*cough* memorial service). In this dreamscape, the party was held at our home – a cavernous old factory building which we’d converted into a splendid crib.

Absolutely everyone who knew my wondrous hunnypie was there, including the owner of the printing company where we’d met. TAB dubbed him Blinky. He was a big, old, furry bear of a man who always seemed a bit off in the ether. While he possessed an incredible, ferocious intellect, he was also deeply plagued by some, not insignificant, madness. When I first started working for the company, Blinky would, reliably, vanish for a month or two in winter. Was he off to some warm place like Florida? Oh no. It filtered down to us bumpkin, worker bees that he was at some high end bughouse in Colorado, getting the cure. Whatever that was. When back he’d seem upbeat, good as new BUT with a synapse or 12 shorted out. Yeah, he blinked a lot. Spoke slow. Reaction times were on a serious delay. Still, he was a cool guy. TAB and I liked him and he seemed to like us a lot too. Did his lunacy see ours as kindred spirits? Mebbe so.

In any case, the shindig went on for more than 12 hours. TAB and I were sitting in an out of the way corner, wishing we could just be alone together. Then, as I held him close, he began to fall ill again.

I need a vaca from my dreams. Obvs.
~~~
You may be wondering, wut up with all the Winnie the Pooh drawings? The Amazing Bob was always Winnie and I was always Piglet.
Should I Stay or Should I Go – The Clash