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Friday, October 7, 2016

Approaching Full Metal Eeyore

One of the best parts of working free lance and mostly from home is that, when I get buried under a new hod of grief and am barely able to put one foot in front of the other, I can take a hot shower, put on my robe  and crawl into bed with a cat or two. The robe, by the way, was The Amazing Bob’s. Yes, I'm still, most days, wearing at least one article of his clothing. I'm keeping him close, wrapped around me.

Lunch table sans TAB – this is so WRONG
The best part of working from home used to be that I could be with him all day. We could leisurely enjoy each other's company – go out to Sparkle Boys for lunch, take in the Godzilla TV marathons, walk down to the seawall to watch the water and toss stale bread to the seagulls. I could take care of TAB, watch over him too. We'd attained max cozy.

On these new bottom-of-the-Grand-Canyon days, I'm generally able to accomplish a few things – I’m not a total smacked out Eeyore. The dishes get done, knitting is accomplished (though I’ve become the Dropped Stitch Queen), blog’s written and my herd of cat gets slopped and loved up. That's, honestly, about it. Oh yeah, I can watch Deadpool for the 500th time too.

You might be thinking "anti-depressants will help!" Problem – they don't work for me. I tried a zillion different kinds after my hearing took the last train for the coast. None, NONE OF THEM, worked. Walks and trike rides help A LOT but when I'm way down in the fourth sub-sub basement of Mood Tower, I can't find the elevator to get up and out. Yup, there's a big ol' Catch 22 for ya.

Being social takes an airbus full of energy even when I’m not rockin’ the Wish You Were Here indigo blues. Engaging feels like swimming through cold molasses. Lipreading and ASL quickly feel overwhelming.

To climb up outta Sad City I need that exercise and human interaction. Afterward, I reliably find that I can connect, enjoy and live a little once more. I step outta that big Sea of Sad, feel lighter and more able. It's an interesting trick, no?

The line from Streetcar Named Desire comes to mind “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers.” Pre-deafening, I felt that most people were self-obsessed shits. Post-deafening, I’ve found the opposite to be true. There are far more good, giving, kind, caring folk than I’d ever imagined. Having my sound turned off gave me a brill, fresh perspective.

Still, the callous, rabidly egotistical, greedheaded, world-revolves- around-me-ME-ME, rude as hell motherfuckers will always be with us. Which brings me to the fable of the scorpion and the frog.

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

  The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

        Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature…"
Advice to myself
  • Recognize the scorpions for who they are and keep interaction with them to a minimum.(also, invest in Kevlar)
  • Know that very few people in my life are scorpions – they are the exception, not the rule.
  • Know that my superhero, mega talented chums will help me face the battles, large and small, against the forces of scorpion assholery.
I’m always curious, how did these brainless attack lizards evolve as such. I ponder, I wonder, I really don’t want to always regard them as meth headed Macaques on Red Bull benders. They’re human. We must have some common ground. There must be some good in them. Right?!

That’s my Friday enigma – how can I gain a more full understanding of the Avarice and Ego Demons without getting burned in the process. Is this even possible?

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